I absolutley understand your reasoning for pinning her down, but it doesn't have to do with the actual reality of the situation, it has to do with HER rality. In HER reality you are the one that is wrong because you are touching her. Im not saying that you are, because i totally understand your reasoning, but if you want to help her, you have to understand what is going through her mind.
Is she doing this in school or just at home? and what are some of the things that she is throwing tantrums over?
If you are letting it get to you and she knows it, then she is winning, and the tantrums are getting accomplished what they are meant to. Here is a suggestion that I read somewhere. For everything that she breaks, she has to pay for it. She's 13, so it's not like she has a job, but make her chores and other positive things, payment for things she breaks. For example. Unloading the dishwasher is worth $1.50, running the vacuum is worth $5.00 or whatever value you want to put on them. Make sure you keep track in some sort of notebook on about how much she owes. Also, when she does those good things, reward her. I know, it's suposed to be her working off her "debt", but you want to re-inforce the good behavior. Doing this will do two things. It will show her, on paper, that her behavior is bad, and it will show her the good behavior really does pay off.
My very last suggestion, and this is a bit extrememe, but have you thought about bootcamp? They have programs where they will show you what it's like to be in prison, because if she keeps on with violent behavior like that she WILL end up in jail. You might want to call your state police, and see if they have a program.
I hope some of that helps. I feel so bad for you, because you really are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Take care.
Wow, thanks for taking the time to respond yet again, You know what? I think you may have saved my life. I remember hearing about 3 or 4 years years ago about a young offenders institute which is not too far from here who do a tour of the prison for children who have a high likelyhood of getting in trouble with the law. The success rate is really good. Tomorrow, I will contact them and see what they can do for me. Thank you for giving me that nudge, I had completely forgotten about it. I'll keep you posted.
Thank you for your enquiry. Well, things are going ok at the moment. The first plan of action I took was to download some information on bootcamp and the like and left it where she would see it. When she did see it she asked what it was and I told her that her Mother and I could not cope with her violence any more. I said that we were concidering sending her to boot camp or maybe take her for a guided tour of the local young offenders institute. This, I think made her sit up and think about her actions because she broke down in tears pleading with us not to send her away. This lead Beth and I to having quite a grown up and calm conversation about these problems and basically it would appear that she does not have the vocabulary to argue back as most children do. Hence the violence is her way of arguing or answering back. She has been very honest with me in what she says and I respect her for that and I do think that things are looking up. I do know that she does need an insentive and I think maybe the boot camp thing could well be it. (A couple of years ago Beth and younger sister were at a stage when they were arguing every day (with out fail) and I foolishly said out of desperation that if they did not argue for a whole six months, I would pay them both £500 each. Guess what? I had to pay up. The greedy little tikes pulled it off, only just though.) So yes, I think boot camp could be the insentive she needs.
Since the big bust up there has been one situation where I have had to remind her about where she could be residing next if she didn't back down. This appeared to do the job.
So thank you for your concern, it's good to know that there are people out there who care.
