Hi, I am step father to Beth who is 13 yrs old. Generally she is a good kid, and does well at school, but when it comes to her not getting her own way, all hell breaks loose and I am on the verge of walking out because I cannot cope any more.
She becomes so violent and nasty towards my wife and I, that we have both been scratched, kicked and even bitten before. There have been many times when I have had to pin her down to the floor and just hold her there until she calms right down. I have in the past had to hold her down for coming up to 10 minutes with her thrashing around and screaming obscenity's underneath me. 10 minutes may not seem like a long time, but when you are wrestling continually with an angry teenager, it is extremely physically and mentally exhausting. A couple of nights ago, I came close to completely losing control, in my anger towards her, because of how nasty she was being to her mother, After demanding that she go to her room and having her shout back at me "NO!" I grabbed her by the throat and found myself squeezing. I let go and burst in to tears. I am not violent by any means, and this really frightened me. I'm no longer sure that I wont really hurt her the next time this happens.

She has had anger management, but since finding out that leagally we cannot force her to go, she just refuses and now things are getting to much for my wife and I to cope with. Obviously, like any mother would, my wife can forgive her and put it in the past, but this time round I feel that this has done some real damage as since a couple of nights ago, I haven't been able to bring myself to even be in the same room as Beth. I don't know what to do, I love my wife dearly, but don't know if that love is strong enough for me to stay with all this going on. Any suggestions welcome. Thanks. Rob.

Hi Rob,

Your situation is a sticky one. I don't have experience with Step Children and I am sure there are some issues going on here with the family situation -- new dad thing. Despite this her behaviour is unacceptable.

I think you and your wife need to first come to an agreement as to how you are going to handle the situation. It seems to me it might be best to just walk away from her-- both of you. If she is ohysically attacking you either leave the house-- I have a feeling she will not act like this in a public arena or if need be call the police. Violence is violence and is criminal-- it si probably just the rude awakening she needs.

If possible find a time when she is in a good mood or create a safe environment-- do something together that she enjoys-- i.e. board game, game of one on one basketball -- and slowly start asking her why she reacts the way she does when she does not get her way. Be very subtle and discreet with your questions and work your way up. Start with how things are at school. How are things with her friends and then start building into a specific event when she let loose. Ask her why that issue was so important to her? Why does she choose to react the way she does and does it serve her purpose? Can she think of a better way to handle the situation?

Major thing is consistency between you and your wife-- be on the same page use the same approach and make sure your wife is with you on letting her know that her behaviour is unacceptable and unforgiveable if shecontinues with this.

With respect I say this-- it is better for your wife to put her foot down and find a consistent approach and message with you or else she will herself resenting her daughter for perhaps breaking a marriage-- a tough thing to hear but it seems like a distinct possibility.
I hope this is helpful and I wish you all the best.

With lots of respect

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond to my problem, you seem very wise and I will take note of what you have said and try to put it to good use.
Thanks again.

Is her real dad in the picture, and how long have you been married? If she's never had a male role model in her life, it's going to be hard for her to adjust, and if her real dad is still in the picture, having to have ANOTHER male role model in the picture is going to be even harder.

Momof2 is absoltuley right though. Violence is criminal. But let me tell you, i REALLY doubt that holding her down when she throws a tantrum like that, helps at all. If anything, it makes it worse. It is being violent with her (in her mind at the very least) back. At the worst, it's abuse. If she starts hitting, simply leave. You and your wife leave the house. Maybe even go for a drive, and leave her there. You dont have to go anywhere, just drive around for a while. It'll give everyone time to get a cooler head.

Another thing I suggest, is that you sit down with her, like you would with an adult, and talk to her, and lay out some options. Options, that you and your wife have agreed on. Explain to her what is acceptable and what is not. Exlpain to her the punnishments that are going to be set in place for bad behavior, but even better, give her rewards for GOOD behavior. The reason I say as an adult, is that because teenagers are all craving respect. Holding her down etc is NOT respectful. If you show her respect, I can almost promise her attitude will change.

My final peice of advice is that you and your wife go to some couseling together. It will not only help you cope with your daughter's bad behavior, but perhaps the therapist will be able to give you some good techniques to help when she is acting out, like excersizes that will help keep both you and your step daughter in control of your own actions.

I hope some of this helps. It's very commendable that you were willing to take on a out of control step daughter.

-Jade

Hi Jade,

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my problem. It is very hard to explain the sheer scale of my step daughters tantrums. As far as pinning her down to the floor goes, it is not done as a form of violence, it is purely to protect any of us from getting seriously injured. If we turn around and walk away, she will continue to throw a tantrum and like in the past, is likely to injure herself. Not only that, we cannot afford to keep replacing kitchen appliences and furniture the gets smashed up in her rage.

Yes her real dad is in the picture and to be honest, this was going on before I was around. The difference being, her real father had already resorted to using violence against her.

As for sitting her down and trying to reason with her and laying down some simple rules, well that seems to just anger her even more. In her mind, she has done nothing wrong, so why are we laying down these new rules?

You are right, she does crave respect and we show her respect when it is deserved, but, respect is something that has to be earned and not just given for an easy life. We also make a point of rewarding her for good behaviour.

My wife and I have had some councelling on how to deal with this, but to be honest, I think I am running out of ideas as to what to do next. I am so tired of trying to make an effort with her when this happens. Like I said originally I am at my wits end and on the verge of leaving. The one thing that has stopped me so far is the love I have for my wife, but sooner or later, the time may come when that's not enough.

Thank you for your time and help on this matter.

Regards.
Rob

Rob,

I absolutley understand your reasoning for pinning her down, but it doesn't have to do with the actual reality of the situation, it has to do with HER rality. In HER reality you are the one that is wrong because you are touching her. Im not saying that you are, because i totally understand your reasoning, but if you want to help her, you have to understand what is going through her mind.

Is she doing this in school or just at home? and what are some of the things that she is throwing tantrums over?

If you are letting it get to you and she knows it, then she is winning, and the tantrums are getting accomplished what they are meant to. Here is a suggestion that I read somewhere. For everything that she breaks, she has to pay for it. She's 13, so it's not like she has a job, but make her chores and other positive things, payment for things she breaks. For example. Unloading the dishwasher is worth $1.50, running the vacuum is worth $5.00 or whatever value you want to put on them. Make sure you keep track in some sort of notebook on about how much she owes. Also, when she does those good things, reward her. I know, it's suposed to be her working off her "debt", but you want to re-inforce the good behavior. Doing this will do two things. It will show her, on paper, that her behavior is bad, and it will show her the good behavior really does pay off.

My very last suggestion, and this is a bit extrememe, but have you thought about bootcamp? They have programs where they will show you what it's like to be in prison, because if she keeps on with violent behavior like that she WILL end up in jail. You might want to call your state police, and see if they have a program.

I hope some of that helps. I feel so bad for you, because you really are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Take care.

-Jade

Hi Jade,

Wow, thanks for taking the time to respond yet again, You know what? I think you may have saved my life. I remember hearing about 3 or 4 years years ago about a young offenders institute which is not too far from here who do a tour of the prison for children who have a high likelyhood of getting in trouble with the law. The success rate is really good. Tomorrow, I will contact them and see what they can do for me. Thank you for giving me that nudge, I had completely forgotten about it. I'll keep you posted.

Thanks again for all your help and advice.

Regards,

Rob

Hi rob,

I have not had a chance to check back for a while I was just wondering how things are going.

Hi momof2,

Thank you for your enquiry. Well, things are going ok at the moment. The first plan of action I took was to download some information on bootcamp and the like and left it where she would see it. When she did see it she asked what it was and I told her that her Mother and I could not cope with her violence any more. I said that we were concidering sending her to boot camp or maybe take her for a guided tour of the local young offenders institute. This, I think made her sit up and think about her actions because she broke down in tears pleading with us not to send her away. This lead Beth and I to having quite a grown up and calm conversation about these problems and basically it would appear that she does not have the vocabulary to argue back as most children do. Hence the violence is her way of arguing or answering back. She has been very honest with me in what she says and I respect her for that and I do think that things are looking up. I do know that she does need an insentive and I think maybe the boot camp thing could well be it. (A couple of years ago Beth and younger sister were at a stage when they were arguing every day (with out fail) and I foolishly said out of desperation that if they did not argue for a whole six months, I would pay them both £500 each. Guess what? I had to pay up. The greedy little tikes pulled it off, only just though.) So yes, I think boot camp could be the insentive she needs.
Since the big bust up there has been one situation where I have had to remind her about where she could be residing next if she didn't back down. This appeared to do the job.

So thank you for your concern, it's good to know that there are people out there who care.

Thanks again,
Kind regards,

Rob

Hiya Rob,
Im glad you got the situation with your 13 year old step daughter. Any Ideas how I deal with my stepson? See "13 year old stepson and drugs"

Ade