Try not to blame yourself, you certainly sound low. I don't think for a minute you have brought this on yourself. P N D is a very hard illness to deal with but really, if you want to get better (and you obviously do) then the only way forward is to accept the help of your family, friends and the doctor. The sooner you have this support the better you will feel. Pick the phone up now and ring for an appointment and ask your husband or a friend to go with you. You deserve to feel well. Good luck.