wow, this is a pretty tough situation, and i dont know if i can help too much except to say that at this age she will be wanting to separate from her parents and form a separate identity of her own, except there is one problem! she can't know yet just who she is. this takes time to work out and issues of self identity and belonging are probably making her very frustrated, i know i was at 13. you probably do this already, but making a concious effort not to talk down to her and to start treating her more like an adult will probably help to affirm her sense of growing up. on top of this there are also feelings of abandonment because of her biological father. she probably feels very resentful towards him and is taking out her feelings on the nearest father figure which is you. maybe you and your wife should try having a chat to your daughter and simply reassuring her that what happened was not her fault, that she is loved very much and that both of you are always there if she needs to talk. she may simply be looking for some reassurance and to know that you understand her feelings, or at least are trying to! if she is feeling really down all the time, or you think it might be good for her to talk with some one other than you guys, it might be good for her to talk to a counsellor or psychologist, i know this helped me a lot when i was going through some issues at the same age. having someone else outside the situation's point of view is very helpful and she will probably open up more to someone who knows how to talk to her objectively. anyway sorry for the long rant, good luck with this, you sound like a very good supportive family and im sure you will get through this.

Boy can I relate to your post. I am a step parent to a 12 year old girl, soon to be 13 in October. When my husband and I married, she was 4 years old. My husband has primary residential custody of his daughter so she has always lived with us. She would see her mom occasionally, like every couple of weeks. They have always had a rocky relationship because her mom doesn't really know how to be a mom. When my daughter was 6, her real mom moved to Las Vegas without saying good-bye. We got a message on the answering machine and that was that. My 12 year old was devastated at the time and I was there to comfort her.

She feels the same way many times that your daughter feels. I think it must be really hard to feel abandoned by your biological parent. That is what my daughter goes through. Her real mom never calls, never writes, never emails. She sees her mom once a year for that fun-filled weekend, where every activity is crammed into one weekend. It is difficult.

I also remember back to being that age. I had a great life, great parents, great house etc. However the grass was always greener at my friend's house. Things were always better over there, I mean at my friends house they had Kool-Aid!!

From what I read in your post, I pat you on the back for stepping up to the plate as dad to the kids. You are doing a great job. I recommend keeping an eye on your daughter, and if your wife and you feel that she is getting depressed or really anxious, then you need to seek some professional help for her. It might be that she needs someone to talk to that is outside of the family and situation.

My 12 year old sometimes thinks her life stinks, etc. I think some of that comes from the age, because in my heart I know that I am doing the right things for her.

Amy