Where to start? This has been going on so long now I hardly know. My son began being difficult when his dad left at age 4 and over the years it has just got worse.

To cut a very very long story short he is now involved with smoking skunk and I'm sure taking other things as well. He has also been drunk and assaulted me quite badly resulting in a final warning from the police. He agreed to attend anger management and counselling but has only been a couple of times and says its not helping.

His father drifts in an out of his life sometimes not contacting him for two years at a time.

My house is being sytematically smashed up with his tempers and I'm afraid for my safety sometimes. He says he will do something just to shut me up and then immediately does the opposite or does't do it at all. He is very manipulative and a master at sayng what he thinks people want to hear.

School are constantly on the phone to me; he's either not there at all or he's there and causing some kind of problem. He has missed the deadline for college applications now and won't study for his GCSE's at all. If he doesn't not go onto college my tax credits and child benefit will stop and I won't be able to afford to keep him come August. I can't seem to get through to him how serious the situation is and I'm sure he thinks I'm joking when I say he will have to move out and I will have to sell the house and find somewhere to lodge because I will no longer be able to pay the mortgage or afford rent. I can't get any extra hours at work because redundancies are being threatened even if I had the energy to do them. I work as a civil servant and have a flexible pattern whereby I only work term-time. I don't want to leave my job and find another because a) I'm not well enough to work full time and b) I need the small pension I'll have when I retire. I get no maintenance now from his father because he has given up work.

My son lies constantly and steals alcohol and money from the house. He even stole his baby niece's Easter eggs last week. It doesn't matter where I hide things he finds them.

I'm an older mum at 54. My health isn't brilliant; I am diabetic and have high cholesterol, blood pressure and underactive thyroid. Stress makes all these things so much worse, and I find myself tired,depressed and unable to cope a lot of the time.

I have been in contact with every agency I can find but to no avail. I have tried to get him interested in activities but he will not engage.

I have contacted my GP who prescribed me Citalopram which helped a bit but he wants me off it now.

I have tried Social Services repeatedly to see if they could offer some kind of short term respite for me and him in the form of local authority care or fostering but they simply say that if the child isn't in danger there is no provision for age 15 to 16 in our area. No matter that I could be in danger because of his violent temper; all they said to that was phone the police.

I have begged his father to have him for a while but he says he doesn't want him and that they have no room for him. His Dad doesn't even like him let alone have a bond with him.

I feel so sorry for him but I'm beginning to dislike him now too. I know he needs understanding and love but its so hard; no almost impossible when he keeps lying and stealing and doing everything humanly possible to upset and annoy me.

I really don't know where to go from here. I've been banging on doors for help for so long now and not getting any reply that I'm all out of energy to carry on.

I'm having counselling to try and keep sane but its my son who really needs the help; he has never got over being abandoned by his Dad and is now trying to effect the thing that he really fears most - me abandoning him.

A few days ago I really lost the plot and told him to go to his fathers and stay there; I said I didn't care that his father had no room and that he had equal parental responsibility and so should take his turn. I sent a text to his Dad and heard nothing back.

He hasn't gone to his Dad's and is staying at different friends houses. Some of whom are not exactly savoury. I don't want this for him but to be quite honest I absolutely can't have him back here unless he sorts himself out. I have said he has to come home tonight and I will take him to his Dads myself but I can't see that happening. Where do I go from here?

I/We need practical help not sympathy so if anyone knows of a way to make the authorities listen and give us the help we need I'd be grateful. Thanks

Know you don t want sympathy but you ve got it! I don t know much about this sort of situation but as an outsider looking at it it sounds like the only options you are left with are - to report him to the police to get him in the system so something has to be done. - to push the school to involve psychological services. - to get employment support services at your local council to get him into work to give him a positive direction to travel in. Good luck.

Hi Sue

It sounds as though you are going through hell !!! I have read that your son is angry about his life and possibly the fact that his father chooses to ignore him and spend time with his new family. He may blame you for the fact that his dad is not there and is taking his anger out on you, unforty=unately. I have come across this website which may give you some further help. It is an American based site but it does have some good articles and solutions

http://www.familyfirstaid.org/?gclid=CJ7DxM2FnpICFQW_1AodtxCGFQ

good luck and I hope that things improve soon

Hi
Thanks for your replies. I once again contacted Social Services last night only to be fobbed off yet again. Apparently if I abandon him I will be in trouble with the authorities; yet the very fact that his father has also abandoned him seems to be ignored. We have joint parental responsibility so how can this be? No sign of son; when I phoned him he just let out a torrent of abuse and switched his phone off.

Sue, I'm sure you are.... but are you getting help for your own medical conditions? Is your thyroid being treated? An underactice thyroid can make you feel awful! I have an overactive throid and everytime my medication makes it dip under, I know about it... I just lose my spark, my get up and go. I have no energy. I ceetainly find it hard to deal with my children when I feel like that.
If your medication isn't right, please go back, get another blood test, and get your medication tweaked. Go to your doctor. Tell them how you feel and get help for you.
It might be worth contacting the school to see what services are available for him through the school.
I'm sorry I've of no real help... I just know that if your thyroid levels are low you will be really struggling!!! Please get all the help you can get for you.

Thanks my meds are fine. School have given up. He came home last night and said oh yes he would abide by my rules and stop with the drugs and not hang with the people who encourage him to do it; so I let him stay. Guess what he did first thing this morning? Went out again with the so called 'friends' again. I feel such an idiot for believing him. I just sent him a text saying that I won't ever believe what he says again and that the only way now is to show me that things are different. Oh I despair!

You say his biggest fear is being rejected by you but at the same time your biggest threat seems to be sending him away to his dads...who he knows doesn't want him. Seems like a vicious circle going on there, the more you threaten him with it the more rejected by both of you he's going to feel.

Please don't take that as a critism, just an observation from what you wrote.

If your doctor is taking away meds that have been helping you do you think its time to see a different doctor? Some just aren't that empathetic towards depression and mid-counselling seems like a very strange time to take away a crutch.

SS wouldn't see his dad leaving him as abandoment as he left him with you to care for him, they ought to though, he's not only abandoned him but emotionally abused him too.

Sorry I cant help more than that, it sounds like a tough situation for you both and I hope you find a way through it. Always someone here to listen so keep talking if its helping you.

Sue,

I had a step son exactly like that and we ended up placing him in a treatment center for disturbed children. He was there a year and a half which gave our household some peace for a little while. He is now 18 a drop out and out of the house but his anger issues arn't as profound as they were so the treatment center was able to teach him to control that. Have you thought of a big brother type person that will listen to him as well as be a mentor. It sounds like he needs a father figure someone who is tough and won't put up with his attitude and put him in his place. Good luck!

Lori (and everyone) thanks for your replies.

Unfortunately there is nowhere for him to go. Unless he gets into the Youth Justice system again for something really serious nothing will be done. Social Services do not have the resources to accomodate 15 to 16 year olds in our area of the UK. This is why I keep trying to send him to his fathers; it isn't because I want to abandon him but I'm trying to help him see that his behaviour is intolerable and has to change before I can have him here. He is making me ill but doesn't seem to care.

Any help he gets is on a voluntary basis and he won't engage with any of it. I do not have a partner but I do have an old school friend who may be able to talk to him but the problem here is that he is a recreational drug user himself so is bound to be biased towards illegal substance use. I fear it would look as though I am condoning the very behaviour I am trying to curb in him.

His elder sister has taken him in for a few days even though this is not ideal because she has a toddler who doesn't need to see his bad behaviour. But at least I know he is safe until Friday. I know he won't come back here because he hates me at the moment and is not speaking to me. So I've no idea what will happen from there.