what is it that they are fighting about?

If fighting breaks out in our house the rule is they ALL go to there rooms. Its not discussed as usually its petty and a case of them all winding each other up...though off course we listen if they want to talk later (rather than tell tales). No sides get taken, no blame is laid, they're as bad as each other and they can go and sort it out between them and leave me right out of it!!!

If there is something specific there arguing about have a little meeting and try to find a solution to it.

Try to find them both there own space too, at there ages all there little bits and peices are hugely important to them and I find that with my 10 year old daughter the cause of many fights is her little brother moving her things. If they have to share a room find someway of giving them each a little patch in it that is theres and theres alone. Maybe a little bathroom cabinet each which is out of bounds to the other.

You know that saying the kids are using these days...not bovvered...thats the attitude to take towards there fighting, there loss not yours. The more they see it winding you up the more they'll do it.

Earplugs are very good too

hmm, theres bickering and there is fighting with a genuine cause.

ie. if one girl is i dont know, breaking the other girls things then sending them both to their rooms means the girl whose stuff is getting broken, not only continues to get her stuff broken, but gets sent to her room for sticking up for herslef.

if they are "just" winding each other up then maybe someone should be watching to see who starts it and when.

its all very well saying its petty, but it may not always be that way.

and "she started it.." in my opinion is something that should be listened to.

otherwise if there is one who starts it every time, the other is treated as though they are doing something wrong by standing up for themselves.

and that just isnt fair.

also, sending siblings who share a room to their room doesnt solveanything as they continue to fight once they are there.

'and "she started it.." in my opinion is something that should be listened to.'


Willow: let me give you an example of kids fighting.

I have two 10 year olds, they are both happily playing on the ps, they've decided they'll do one level each and have done this for about 20 minutes with no problems. So I go off to make tea. 10 minutes later fightings broken out, I go down, issue the warning 'both play nicely or both go to your rooms' then go back to cooking. Not being silly they return to playing nicely. Later at tea time I ask them what the problem was. One took the controller off the other in the middle of a level. The other took 3 turns instead of the agreed sharing. The day before the other wouldn't let the one play the game they wanted hence getting there own back by taking 3 turns. The day before that...etc etc you get the idea.


So who is to blame? Both are wrong, and to get to the bit where I find out 'who started it' I'd probably have to go back several months. Can you see why who started it is irrelevant and what counts is a) who's going to end it and b) how are we going to resolve the situation?

By making the warning that they would go to there room I forced them into co-operating, by being patient and discussing it later with them I got to the bottom of the problem without another bickering match and could get them to see how this had escalated into something really a bit silly and prevented it from escalating further by not laying blame and leaving anyone feeling 'its not fair'

Most fights between siblings happen in this way, no one person is to blame (unless its blatant bullying by one which is not what the original problem was suggesting), its extremely difficult to work out who started it as its usually a string of events that have built up and often the kids themselves have forgotten what its all about.

I have always used this tactic, its always worked, no-ones ever shouted 'not fair' at me and the only reason we have a high level of fighting in the house atm is that my stepson is a recent addition...as you can see from above my tactic is already being effective with them and they are learning to co-operate with each other.

Even if you did watch them you still wouldn't get to the bottom of it all, you'd only see what went on there and then, not what led up to it. Thats when it gets to be 'not fair' in the eyes of the kids because only half the story is known to the parent. Sending them to there rooms forces them to co-operate, ends the fighting and opens the way to discussing it sensibly at a more suitable time. Ok so it may not work that way the first few times but once they know where they stand on it it's effective.

The day I stand over 2 10 year olds mid-fight and try to get out of them who started it and attempt to decide which one needs issuing with the consequence is the day I need my head read! That only fuels them further and gives them ammunition for the next time (you got me into trouble...its not fair...you did this...well you did that...roll on the next fight)

Respect your opinions Willow but I think your being a bit idealistic on this one.

sounds to me like you didnt read what i actually wrote.

You were suggesting that the parents find out what started it all, preferably by watching over the children and then deal with the culprit only to make things 'fair'. You were also suggesting that treating them equally and not taking sides was unfair and that forcing them into a position of having to co-operate to get back to doing better things than sitting in there room/s wasn't a solution as it would only result in more fighting.


If I've got that wrong perhaps you'd like to explain it again.