My three year old grandson has terrible head banging tantrums which are becoming very worrying,sometimes it is if he does not get his own way, othertimes you do not know what has upset him. He is very late speaking coherently but he is bright and understands everything you say and has a very good memory and sense of humour, also he attends play school where he is very happy and does not display any of this behaviour.
I'm in a parenting group of about 50 parents. Once a month we get together and talk about the issues. Most of the times, it's moderated by a speaker. One of the neatest things about going to this is I learn about what children do. I know what kinds of troubles I'll be having up to high school with my twin girls already. All children go thru the same brain development stages from birth to young adult.
One of the neatest things I've ever learned is that the tantrum is not new. Every parent in my group has had a child throw tantrums. It's part of being 3-4. The three year old has a strong will. It's shown in different ways. Sometimes anger, sometimes sadness.
Setting boundaries can set the tantrums off for sure. I know a trick and it's got lots of manifestations. The trick is this: Create a situation that draws the child in instead of a situation that pushes or pulls them in. Wouldn't it be great if they could happily do what you want because they want to do it? You can do this. Are they interested in stories? Often you can get a three year old to listen by telling them a story that tells them what to do. I can get my children to most anything we need to do by telling them a story or by singing a song that is associated with direction.
One thing to be very careful of is explaining or giving too many choices. This can be very overwhelming to a 3 or 4 year old. Here's an example: "Timmy you need to put your shoes on." The child may say, "Why?" or "No!". It's a push and may push right back. Do not explain why! Instead, tell a story. "Did I ever tell you about the time the Gnomes chased me down the street? Well, I was about your age when I went outside without my shoes on and the Gnomes love the bare feet of children, you know. It's the ends of your toenails they want. (This is also a good way to work in toenail clipping.) I just went walking and when out of nowhere I heard the call, Toenails!" You can take it from there or modify. Kids eat this up and will ask you for more stories which fits in with the need to get children to do what you need them to do. Warning: It can make you tired. But, it's better than being at your wits end after them crying all day!!
I'm starting a series of stories that can be used as templates for correcting undesirable behaviors in children. I have a few that are just interesting stories for stimulating a desire for goodness, compassion, and doing work. I'll be posting more every week. They're free. You can check them out if you like: http://childrenspodcast.typepad.com/blog/
