Just a bit more info. My daughter's boyfriend was staying at our house every weekend and so I am cooking for eight people. If they then decides not to turn up the food is wasted and if I don't cook for them she comes in guns blazing demanding to know what they are supposed to eat.

Sound to me like your daughter wants the comforts of home, being a minor, wants the freedom and wherewithall of an adult, without any of the responsibility. I live in the US, and yes, 16 sounds young to us, but at 16, I paid for my own things, my pager, my car, my gas, etc, because I was working. Also, my mother realized that I did these things, and afforded me some minor freedoms, like staying out later, never grounded me from my car, etc. I think you should tell your daughter that if she wants to live in your house, for which you pay, she should follow your rules. She couldn't live on her own (without her b/f), and not have to pay for housing, food, utilities, etc, so, if she wants to act like an adult, she should expect to be treated like one, in all respects. If she expects you to "have dinner on the table for her, and her boyfriend, when she arrives", then she's acting like a child, or like a childish man; either of which need to be put in their place. I say that since, in your country, 16 is considered legal to leave home, let her leave. I think, could be wrong, but think that if she truly needs something, she'll call, or let you know. Maybe she needs a dose of the "real world" to make her appreciate you a little more.

Hi

Your problem is a mirror image of mine when I was 16. A month or so before my 17th birthday I had a huge argument with my mum because I’d stopped going to college. The argument ended with mum telling me to get out and me leaving the house. She never meant for me to actually go but I took advantage and left anyway. This is something I’m really not proud of. After calling mum to let her know I was alright I had no contact with her for a few months, it was just too painful for mum to see or speak to me. Slowly we started to rebuild our relationship, it took about a year for us to be back on track and now many years later we have an extremely close relationship. I never did go back and live at home with mum but I did get a good job, take my A levels at night school and went to university as well, I could never have done any of these things with out the support, encouragement and friendship of my mum.

I guess what I’m saying is stay in contact with your daughter. If this situation has come out the blue and there hasn’t been significant problems before this, things will right themselves again. I left home not because I was unhappy with my mum but with my life while I was living at home, this included friends, college the lot. Personally I think the best thing you can do is firstly find out where your daughter is living (for peace of mind) and secondly start talking and listening to her like she’s an adult, I know this is a difficult thing to do when all you want to do is love and protect her but it’s worth it, it’ll help you understand her and be friends with her. For some people being 16 can be terribly frustrating especially if they feel mature for their age.

I wish you all the best with your daughter, I’m sure things will get better.

N

PS I’ve been on this website because I work for an ITV parenting programme, I came across your email and wanted to respond from the heart not from a professional point of view.

Thankyou for your replies.
I gave up my career to care for my three children and have always done everything for them (too much so my brother says) I suppose that is where I went wrong. My daughter is immature for her age as is her b/f, in my opinion. We are moving in a few weeks and she has said that she will only come if we convert the garage into an annexe for her!
I hope that she does come back and go back to college with our support, but with the temper she has I can't see it happening. This isn't the first time she has left either, she said then that she was treated differently to the other two children and that we are all boring and everything we do is cr*p but I persuaded her to come home.
If she goes back to college then she will go back to p/t hours so will not pay keep, but I expect her to have some manners and give us her parents some respect. Surely that's not too much to ask is it?