I have this family member, and in-law, and i dont feel he is a good person to let around my child. This man in the past has beaten his wife, cheated on her, used drugs, and still is using them, and has lied and left his family repeatedly. They have forgivin him and taken him back each time, however I am not that forgiving. Well I just had a baby girl, and shes my first, and i have but my foot down and said i dont want that man around my child, and how there is some big problems between the family and me. I've seen the way he has raised his kids, his 13 year old son smokes pot and is already having sex. So i said he his not ever aload around my daughter. I feel in my heart that im right for the choice i have made, but as a young parent i dont now if im just being to over protective. He has claimed to have changed, i just dont want to take that chance. I just need to hear from people who are more experinced then me at this. I need to know if i really am over reacting, or if i am making the right choice.

He claims that he's changed, and yet he still uses drugs? And since his family keeps forgiving him, there's no reason he -should- change. He can get away with it, so I don't think he ever will change. I think you're right in this, I wouldn't allow him near her.

Hi, Christine,
I can understand your concern for your daughter's safety in a situation you see as potentially dangerous. And it can be difficult to set limits in a relationship when your family doesn't seem to agree.

Some things for you to consider as you get clear about how you want to handle this situation:
1) Will not allowing your daughter to be around this person cause you to lose other important relationships?

2) What is your goal in not allowing your daughter to be around this person? What will it get for you? (safety, secure boundaries, peace of mind, etc.) With your ultimate goals in mind, what are some other ways you can achieve them that might not have the same serious downside of causing a rift between you and your family?

3) As a parent, you can't protect your daughter from Life. It is much more important, and helpful, that you prepare her for Life's challenges. With that in mind, what are some other ways to approach the situation, that will help your daughter learn how to take care of herself as she grows?

I know you said your daughter is still a baby, but how you deal with issues/relationships/Life now will have an impact on her development. It's never to early to start planning for the teen years!

Good luck,
Helen Graves

Helen,
Its a little of everything, I've seen how this man has raised his own kids, he just buys them things whenever they get mad at him. He is more concerned about looking cool to them, then parenting them. I have seen how he has acted with any new person in the family, he will say and do whatever he can to 'look cool'. He try’s to control every situation, no matter what. He will bad mouth anyone who doesn’t agree with him. The family even said with the last stunt he pulled that he was no longer aloud around, and true to form he comes back saying he has found god and he showed him the light. He has said that every single time he has done his wrong, every single time he's left or got fired from a job for drug use. I’m worried that he will not only try to act cool around my daughter when the time comes and show her that smoking and drinking and drugs are ok, but also bad mouth me and my husband for wanting to raise our daughter catholic when he isn’t, for wanting certain rules that he doesn’t agree with, and mostly I'm afraid for my daughters safety, he does have 2 domestic abuse charges on his record in the past 3 yrs. I feel this man is an up most threat, and what gets me is that even after all he has done to his family that the repeatedly takes him back. I just can’t be that forgiving. The only person this seems to really affect is my husband’s grandma, who gets mad at anyone who disagrees with her. She might be manipulated by this man but my husband and I are most certainly not. I know that children look up to there elders, and I'm worried that he will try to appeal to my daughter as a cool person that understands her and will possibly cause her to be as disrespectful and selfish as his own children, until she is old enough to understand right from wrong I feel he is the worst example of an adult that could be in her life. I’ve just had some time to think about everything further, and more has happen since I posted my first message and I am now 100% certain that I do not want him anywhere around my family. I’ve given thought to those who are affected by it, but I feel that they should respect my decision as a parent, I never once told any of them we wouldn’t come around, and we just wouldn’t be around when he was there.

Thanks for your advise
Christine

Hi,

I think you're doing the right thing by keeping this man away from your daughter - better to be safe than sorry. Children do need to learn about the world, but they don't need to be in harms way when learning.

I think you are doing the right thing. With out going into too much detail, I have had experience of the sort of situation you have described, and this sort of character should be avoided - for your child AND yourself. In your heart you know that this person presents values that you do not agree with and are generally not acceptable, so don't accept them. If others turn away from you because of your decision, so be it. They obviously also have standards that are not acceptable to you either. If this means that you feel that you are isolated and alone as you have alienated yourself from this person and the family, then find another life for yourself. There are loads of great people out there, and all you have to do is be brave and go and meet them. Don't ever tolerate people in your life that are no good for you and your family, you will only regret it. A famous actor (irrelevant which one) was asked what it was that had given him the chance to become successful. He replied, 'I was a failure for many year, until I got rid of all the negative people in my life'. Do yourself a favour and do the same. xx

Well, I guess people can change. Making a broad statement like "I don't ever want him around my child" is kind of harsh. I mean he can't do anything when you are sitting there. Does this mean family events are off unless one of you stay home? I wouldn't recommend you leaving your child with him - but given it being family - it is hard to just totally cut out. Just be relaxed about it. Don't give him or the situation too much thought. Just be with her if he is at a family gathering. The thing is that there are these types of people all around - if not him - someone else. So what are you going to do to have different types of people around you? And how will you inspire your child to follow her heart and be with people who mean her well? Those are the bigger questions that he just helped bring up!!!