Hi Sheelagh,

You sound like you really need some outside support. Do you have any friends or family who can help you offload some of your unresolved grief? Losing a child will have long lasting repercussions on you, and your entire family. I can't say I know how it feels, but 6 years ago I did lose a daughter before I carried her to term, and I can say that around December time I do get very depressed and feel very vulnerable. The time of year, even down to the light and atmosphere of the season itself, can bring up strong painful feelings. Have you had any counselling to help you with this?

Does your 12 year old have his own space? I struggle with this with my own children. I have a 10 and 5 year old who are clashing a lot, because the age gap is getting more and more obvious, and my eldest really needs time alone to chill out and be away from "kids". My house is TINY and there is no way they can have separate rooms, so we are currently trying to line the attic so he can have a den up there to retreat to when he has had enough. It wont be grand, but its the best we can do. He needs his own things, that the little one is not allowed to play with, so he feels he has a certain amount of control of his own belongings.

I try to appeal to my eldest's ego a little bit, telling him he's a great big brother, and I'm proud of how he puts up with the little ones awkwardness, even if he doesn't. It seems to help. My eldest then seems to take pride in being grown up about things, paying no attention to the "babyish" behavour etc. We make it our little joke. If the little one is playing Jake up, I wink at Jake and say, "you know how he is", and Jake reacts quite well to this.

Its not great advice, no wonderful solution here, but I wanted you to know you're not alone.

You're welcome to post here anytime, let us know how you're doing.

Best wishes

Liz xx

This must be a very emotional time for you when what you really need is some space to grieve and all the usual goings on are just too much to cope with.

Have you told the kids why you need them to behave better atm? It does sometimes help just to say listen, mums not too good atm and it would really make me feel better if you could make more effort to behave for a while. Have a chat with them and see if they respond.

Do you have someone IRL you can talk to, if not maybe seeing your doctor would help, he might prescribe something to help you get through the next few weeks but even if you don't want to take anything just telling someone may help and he should be able to offer you support in other ways. If you think your suffering from depression, don't grit your teeth and bare it, tell your gp and let him treat you. As you have a two year old you could also try contacting homestart (if you google it you'll find there details), I know many people who've used them and they are very supportive. I can't imagine what it feels like to lose a child but I also can't imagine its something you should have to cope with alone.

If you want my advise on dealing with the kids bickering in general, leave them too it! Don't try to sort it out, don't lay blame, just make a rule that if they do it they will both be sent to there rooms and if they continue go deaf. The only time to intervene is if they're REALLY hurting each other, otherwise trying to resolve it will fuel it more as mostly us parents will never really know who did or said what and next thing we know there arguing about getting each other into trouble and off they go again.

Please do go and get some support for yourself though, don't struggle to cope alone when you don't have to.