Hi Sylvia
I didn't really get as far as offering any practical advice because I wasn't sure if your situations were similar or whether you felt that "being in control" was the issue.

I am reading a good book at the moment called, "The Science of Parenting" and it offers some really good practical advice. It has some good advice on dealing with inappropriate behaviours.

Perhaps you could contact the school and ask for their input and their thoughts into why these outburst occur at school. They may be able to advise you on what you could do to help the situation.
Best wishes.

This is totally normal with some children and people in general. One of my boys is the same. I go a head and make sure everything I do for him is exactly as he wants it. In day-care he will face reality where it won't work for him as easily and that's good. Read, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. It helped me so much.

The fact that you are easy going does not guarantee that your child will be the same. It is often the other way around. It is not your husband's fault either. It is not a fault. it is just how he is. Love him as he is. Don't give him a message that something is wrong. He will face the limitations of it along life.