Hi Nancy,

Hats off to you, what a job, raising twin boys! I have younger brothers who are fraternal twins, and I think they had developmental problems that are unique to twins, and horrible, sustained tantrums were certainly one that my poor mum had to deal with a lot.

Do the boys get quality time with you individually? Thats difficult as a busy Mum, but really important. Lots of my brothers issues stemmed from not feeling a sense of identity of their own. They were so different from one another, and were in constant competition for Mums attention (she already had 5 older kids ) Twins need to be allowed to develop their individual personalities.

Allowing them certain amount of choice is important, but its hard to strike a balance, without letting them rule. With Jack, I think you could tell him very clearly what he is allowed to insist on, for instance, choosing to brush teeth first or wash face, or choosing which plate/cup to use, etc, but other things are for Mummy to choose, and thats that. Yes, you will get tantrums, and yes, they will go on for ages, but don't reward the tantrum by giving in.

I woudlnt punish a tantrum at all. When kids tantrum, they have lost control because they dont have the vocabulary to talk about their frustrations, so punishing it is ineffective. Tantrums are best ignored completely, ensuring the child is safe from harm. When a child loses control, its scary for them, and the scariest thing to have happen is for the adult to lose control too, and shout and yell etc. Child has tantrum = mum has tantrum, and no one wins. Its the time to take some enormous breaths and stay really calm, stand your ground, and ride it out.

Declans issues do sound like theyre identity related. He seems to be attaching a lot of his identity to his favourite t-shirts. Would he like to go out shopping, just you and he, and choose some new ones?

Are there any mum of multiples support groups in your area?

I dont know how much help I have been, but I do know the unique issues with raising twins, and you have my sympathy, but also my admiration. Please come back and let us know how its going with you and the boys.

Best wishes.

Liz xxx

'Who cares about wearing only two shirts? '

I imagine the mother of twins with enough to do without trying to keep two shirts clean everyday!

I would do what Liz has suggested, take him shopping to choose some new ones...and buy 6 of them!