My ex and I separated in sept 2004. In march 2005 we tried living together again but by sept 2005 I had made the big decision to get divorced. But we did not actually live apart until March 2006...so now we have been separated for just about 1 year.

We have 2 kids a 5 year old girl and 9 year old boy.

Throughout the separations the kids were always with me. My ex took them sporadically (the son that is). My girl is too hard for him he says.

My ex does come and have dinner with us regularly or even spends the night (he lives about 30 min away). He then sleeps in my son's room. We also do joint activities every now and then. And because this makes my kids happy...it makes me happy. Although after a few hours with my ex...I have usually had enough.

It is all bizarre and difficult..and i am sure we should have a clearer schedule....

But on the other hand...i am glad the kids have one home and not split lives...and i feel it is good they see us not hating each other. (although this still happens sporadically)

But my son is suffering a lot. He complains of headaches...often comes out of bed at night and is very emotional. He is a very lovely boy...but is totally obsessed with his dad...daddy is the biggest...strongest..knows the most etc etc..He has lost a lot of confidence and his school work has suffered a lot (he is behind a whole grade). He sees himself as a kid with problems and the key one he mentions is that he hates the fact that we are separated....which is so painful to hear. He still asks if we will ever live together again...

the sad reality is that i had to move on because his dad has let me and them down big time ...I don't think he realised what it meant to be a father and how one needs to grow up and be responsible. He is a kid.(and i loved that part of him when we met)...but over the last 8 years he has let me be the only breadwinner as well as the main caretaker. (we have had nannies..au paires...while my ex tried to set up his own businesses..) when i wanted to move closer to work he refused to budge (hence the 1st move)...and when he finally did...nothing changed.....still no prospect of an income. He is also a huge drinker (alcoholic...although he totally denies it)...and always puts squash with buddies before crucial family time. I have come close to burn out and stopped working ...luckily i can do that for a bit....

I am wondering if I should be much tougher and make my ex take the kids every 2 weeks....and not just my son every now and then when he ends up taking him to all kinds of friends and even a wine bar...

it feels as if all options are hard...and sometimes it is so hard to see the light in the tunnel. Will the wound ever heal...will my anger and sorrow go away..? What hurts most is seeing my son so troubled. We have tried a psychologist...but he hated that...and in the end my gut feel was that all this boy needs is routine and lots of love...

I'm confused that you and your ex still do things together when you are separated! My parents divorced when I was 9. Thankfully they kept things fairly amicable.
I think your're confusing your son by still acting like one family unit which is giving him false hope that you may get back together. In my opinion you need to have a routine and that has to involve your ex taking both children or not at all. It is totally unjust to leave your 5yr behind, she will feel rejected and the repercussions will materialise in later life.
If your're intending to divorce you need to make a clear break for your own sake and the children. Things will become awkward should either of you meet new partners and I don't think they'd be a fan of these joint activities.
A routine should be made. My dad saw me and my younger brother every fortnight and eventually his new partner (now my stepmum) and her kids joined in the fortnightly activities. I recall being shocked and upset when my parents separated as I never saw it coming and nor had any of my friends experienced divorce. However due to a routine I received no mixed messages and fairly quickly adjusted to the new routine. My parents have never asked me to take sides which is a credit to them in retrospect.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't spend odd occasions together e.g. birthdays, xmas etc. However I don't think if you had a new partner that he would appreciate your ex coming round for dinner. Your son would resent your new partner if he believed he was the reason for your son not being allowed to spend time with his dad at your house anymore.
Your son is capable of being well adjusted if he sees his father on a routine basis. Quality time with dad is better than quantity.
You need to be brave and have a reasoned discussion with your ex and explain that he is welcome in your home to pick up the kids but there'll be no more dinners and joint activities. You can't carry on the way you are as your're confusing the kids and it will make life easier should either of you meet new partners. Hope what I'm saying makes sense.

thank you for your response...

your words make a lot of sense to me and I have heard them all along. The problem is that my ex will simply not obey by these rules...He says his house is too small to take both of them...which is not true...that is why i sometimes think fleeing is better...so that we don't have these confused messages.

But you are right...I need to be braver....