i can understand your frustration and hurt. How old is your son? Do you have other children..and how long ago did you and your husband separate/ divorce?
I have a similar situation in that time with dad is always fun...lots of sports on tv...visiting lots of friends around the place , going to bed late...and even being taken out to wine bars. My son is 9 and adores his father.
Every time he comes back to me he is so difficult to handle...does not want to go to school..and is angry with life..
I don't have great advice....in fact I am wondering if I should try and move away from my ex....so that my son won't be so influenced by him.
Maybe key is ensuring your son has great friends...loves his surroundings and activities and therefore realises he does not want to move.
BTW Do you have a new partner? are half siblings involved? Did you move or your ex?
So hard the world we live in at times....i feel for you.
Hi Lina,
It was so nice of you to respond... it sounds like your situation is very much like mine.
My son just turned 7. His father and I were never married, but together off and on for 8 years. My pregnancy was a surprise that he was very unhappy about. He has never lived with my son and I, but would drive 300 miles each way almost every weekend to be with our son. Starting when my son was 4, he would pick him and keep him for 2 days, and my son would be exhausted, hungry, and quick tempered with me when he would return home. It would usually take 2 days or so for him to be himself again. After about a year and a half of this, he started getting more and more hostile toward me. My ex and I were on very bad terms and he was teaching my son to resent me. I finally realized that if I didnt get away, my son and my relationship with him would be ruined forever. We were in California, but I grew up in Florida, and my family are here, so I just left without telling my ex. That was 1 1/2 years ago. I'm lucky that we were not married and had never established any custody... my son had just always lived with me. Since we've been here, my son has been doing really well, and hasn't missed his dad much until recently, and I think that it's really the good times that he misses rather than the dad. I don't date at all, and have had no new relationships since my ex, simply because I gave my all to that, and really cant imagine doing taht again. I am working hard at enabling my son to build friendships here, and trying to keep him active and involved in activities. This past visit (2 weeks ago) from his dad was just so ridiculous with all the toys and forbidden behaviour that was allowed that my son has been having an especially hard time getting over it. I have spent the day with a renewed sense of helping my son get over this.
The one thing that I can say with absolute surety is that it was ESSENTIAL that I got my son away from that man on a regular basis. I don't know how your ex is, but mine is a truly bad person who was a terrible influence on my son in many ways. I would never eliminate him from my son's life completely, but keep his exposure to my son in very small doses.
Good luck to you, I know we'll need it!
Jamie
our stories are very similar...although you are much braver then me...
My husband I and got married in 1996. We have 2 kids...but he has let me down big time...(i wrote my story under another posting a few days ago...called dilemma in south of france)
At times I would love to get far away from him. He is not a bad person..just very irresponsible and a bad role model...ie bad language...very quick temper...big drinker....selfish....no job...
he lives off his past...he went to great bording schools in the UK...had a great job in the city of London...inherited some money....and then found me who supported him for 8 years...
My son is very troubled...and dad is his big hero...probably because I have exploded a few times and made it clear that dad has no job...drinks too much and that i can't live with him any more. My son still has hopes....and I have been very bad at making it clear that it is finished...and that life as a family is over. We still do things together...sometimes it is OK...but I think it makes it very confusing for my son.
I think you are doing the right thing by being with your parents...My family is in Holland...and I would love to be closer to them.But my son hardly speaks ducth (dad never learned it and was at times quite negative towards the netherlands) and does not enjoy going to the netherlands. What is so hard is the strong opinions and emotions of a 9 year old...i feel like i have robbed him of a carefree youth.
All I can say is thank god you have put distance between you and your ex....and as he makes more and more friends where he lives...and feels happy and secure, he will probably accept that life with mom is nice..
