I am a single mom living in the south of France. I am originally Dutch and my ex is British. We moved to the south of France 5 years ago from London to get out of the rat race. I was working as a management consultant and travelling a lot and my ex was a stockbroker...although he had given that up a few years ealier to try setting up something on his own...which never took off. I knew i did not want to continue the consulting' type of life. So when I was pregnant with nr 2 we decided to move to the south of France where we had bought a property a year earlier.

I found a good job with regular hours and my husband moved into real estate.

For the 1st year it felt great...a new little girl...lovely french weather...and our son was learning french at the local school. However after about a year into my new job... things deteriorated for us. I was unhappy with my commute and with being the only breadwinner. My husband just was not pulling his weight...not putting in the hours it required ...and on top of that did not understand i was unhappy commuting 50 minutes to work 2X a day and then ending up in an isolated village with 2000 people....He also was a big drinker and i would definitely call him an alcoholic..

in any case...i moved out with the 2 kids in sept 2004....after 6 months he finally decided to move closer to my work and we tried living together again (my intention when i separated was not to divorce him ...but to make him wake up)....but after another unhappy year (i was also very unhappy with work) i finally decided to get a divorce as i did not see myself ever becoming happy with him. Not only was his professional life not going anywhere...the drinking was not any less....and he often put friends and sports above the kids and me. He did cook well...which was nice...but just about everything else...picking up kids...homework...baths...stories...etc was my job. I even took my son to play golf...


My son has had a very tough time over the last 4 to 5 years. (not a surprise..) and unfortunately he is 2 years behind at school...(although he would have been the youngest in his class if he had been in the correct class)
He just seems so uninteresetd in school....He is pretty sociable...has some good friends...and can be so lovely with his sister and people he trusts.

However the school was still complaining that he was not doing well and also quite naughty during recess...

As our future will likely be more anglo oriented...we
decided to put him into a private bilingual school this Xmas where he is learning english for the 1st time. So far it feels so much better....and i love seeing him read in english. English is definitely his main and favorite language. (Both kids understand dutch but don't speak it much.) I also have much more contact with the teachers...the classes are tiny...and there are many different types of children all with different backgrounds.

But my son is tough for me...and as he is getting bigger and stronger I feel it will only get harder. He resents me for leaving his dad.... and is obviously very hurt by the divorce and how this has changed his life. ie...We used to have a much nicer house..

He is very strong willed...and last week he did not want to go to school.I had to drag him out of the car which was awful.. Tonight he was in tears about school again...This seems to happen after the weekend when he has spent a lot of time with his dad...(usually this involves watching a lot of rugby or cricket or parties at people's houses)

I do think he likes his new school....but for some reason after the weekend he is very very disturbed.

We had a good chat at the school about our son....and that was helpful. they are aware of the isssues at home.

His dad is now living in a small apartment and generally he comes to my house in the weekends to see the kids. He never really takes the 4 year old girl...but does enjoy taking peter to his activities...and a sleepover every now and then. I like seeing them doing things together (they are doing more now then they ever did)....but I am so worried about my husband's influence...ie life is all fun and games...parties...sport etc..

I have stopped working and am taking time off to really focus on the kids (my company gave me a generous pay off..)...My husband is still not really doing much...at times he thinks he might go to Africa...and the latest is a new project in the north of england...I will not have any alimony...but do have some money ...but it is clear I will need a good job again in the future.


I am free to go wherever i want with the kids...BUT this type of decision is very tough..
I am pretty sure my future is not in the south of France. It is beautiful to live here...but I miss the dynamism of northern europe or the USA....esp. if I need to find a good job and good man...

My strategy has been to focus on getting divorced and solving all our financial issues which we have a few of...and just take the break i can now have with the kids. But every now and then I wonder if I should not just quickly jump ship and get away from my ex...

An issue is that i would not know so well where to go...the netherlands is tough although i have a very warm family there....London would be an option...but would put me in the rat race as a single mom... I have met a great guy in the states near NY...who would help me out...but it all feels so scary...moving kids from their father. The states option is pretty unique as the guy is dutch and also getting divorced...We've known each other for over a year...and I know he would be a great husband...provider and stepfather to my kids..

Some people say to me the worst thing you can do is do nothing...But in my defense i have done things...i have moved out..i have stopped working, we have changed my son's school...But the father is still close by....and visitation very unclear. He won't really agree to a schedule...which sometimes suits me as I like having 'control' over the kids and knowing they are safe with me. I am worried about his influence...He is a very loud and dominant man with huge opinions and a huge appetite for the fun things in life...But aboslutely irresponsible and lazy ...as I have learned the hard way...
I don't hate him....but then sometimes i am so angry at what has happenened...I feel pretty stuck in this paradise..

I have started going to al-anon which is helpful. My son did go to a psychologist...but did not enjoy it...The new school thinks he needs confidence...but maybe we do need to think about counselling for him.....

sorry this is so long...and in fact the questions i am asking are not straighforward...but it helps to share...any reactions are welcome..

Hi Lina,

Wow ... what a story you have there! And welcome to the forum. If you need to vent about these things, this is a lovely supportive place to do so.

You might find that it takes a wee while for people to respond to your post initially, as there is a lot to take in!

You should be very proud of yourself over how supportive you have been of your kids' relationship with their father. I get the impression that you are very aware of how important that relationship is and that if there is any way it is possible for you and their Dad to live in the same country then it's crucial for them going forwards.

Unfortunately with this kind of decision sometimes what is best for the children isn't the greatest for you, but you obviously love and cherish them enough to put their needs first.

Wishing you all the very best with some extremely difficult decisions!

You'll get lots of support here so I hope you can come back and keep talking about it.

cyberhugs,

Cassie

Parenting support from Monicka and Cassie at www.kidsgoals.com.