Have you checked with the other parents to see if you're the only one? I had a similar situation happen with a personal caregiver and when I started asking more questions and probing more, suddenly he wasn't wanted there anymore. A couple of months have passed now and my son is finally opening up with bits and pieces about what their daily routine was, and in no way was he abused but he certainly wasn't entertained or encouraged there. Perhaps this is for the best for you and your son and a chance to find a place that will cater to your sons needs rather than try to stifle them. Good luck - I know it's hard to find quality care now adays.

Hi,
I wonder if you know why your child is behaving like this? Or maybe you could intuit what it is about? It's remarkable how much we know when we are willing to let down our defences.

We go into denial about things because we don't want to feel bad. This, in one go, puts a fence around the very areas we need to go into if we are ever going to find out what is going on for our children - in terms of their experience.

Feeling bad is not a good reason for avoiding a subject. It's actually a very bad reason. Ultimately a parent, or the principal care giver, is responsible for how the children are and how they behave.

When I say this, it is not an invitation to MAKE children behave properly so that we parents look good. It is an invitation to be responsive and curious about what feelings might underlie the behaviour we don't want. This is anti-social behaviour away from home.

How bonded are you to your child? If a child feels at risk of abandonment, rejection and withdrawal of love, they will fear to behave badly. This fear comes from lost bonding where the parents may have very busy lives, be devoted to their work, and secretly know that the child is coming a firm second to work - day to day- but they are not consciously admitting it to themselves. These are the dynamics that can lead a child to seem ok at home but go up the wall away from home.

Where parents create distance between themselves and their children it is only because the parents unresolved pain from childhood would be triggered by being close to the child.

These triggers are not set off in the office, at work.

So, in order to avoid feeling bad, we go to the office not the child.

The fact that you are in the dark about the emotional pain in your child is the msot important factor here and the fastest way to a solution is to get back in touch, real touch. Get close, open and maybe even say sorry for being aqway - that kind of approach maybe. On the other hand this may not fit your circs. I write free reports to help parents at www.childproblem.co.uk
Good luck
David Peet

Hi David

Thanks for your reply. You raise some interesting points, and certainly made me think about how my work could be affecting my child as I do have a demanding job.

However, my son and I are very close indeed. He has shared my bed since the day he was born (downstairs in the living room!) and continues to do so. He has his own bedroom which he knows is there for him whenever he is ready to sleep in it. I do sometimes wonder if it is the very fact that we are so close that causes him to miss me when im at work and behave badly, and yet he never behaved this way until approx 6 mths ago.

I should point out that my son has hearing and speech problems and is undergoing regular visits to audiology and speech therapy depts as an outpatient. Of course his brothers and I understand him perfectly well, but it is difficult for others to fully understand him. Could his aggression at nursery be a result of frustration at not being able to communicate with the other children as well as he feels he ought to be able to?

Either way, I still think it is wrong of his nursery to react this way, especially as they concede that he is n fact "a truly lovely boy" when he isnt misbehaving.

My sons behaviour is not coupled with bad language, just pure aggression, and he always always apologises afterwards.

I dont think my work impairs on our time together - today we have both been very busy and he has enjoyed helping me wash my car and doing some gardening, and we always have lots of cuddles and i tell him all the time how special he is and how much i love him - he has no doubt about that!


Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. Your words have not fallen on deaf ears and i will observe our situation much more closely from now on.

Kind Regards
Crystal

Hi Crystal,
Well I appreciate your maturity! Thanks. I may as well chuck in a couple of thoughts with the health warning it may not be right.
One is where's dad?
Two where do YOU feel like your child? When could you behave like him if you did not have the self-control that comes with age? Just guess. Could you be like this at work? Are you angry with someone and it is not admitted to fully in yourself...

Three The mind is in, kind of, layers so our conscious awareness is not all that is going on in our minds. So we can be totally ok with something consciously but subconsciously we are not happy at all. Can you find a situation which makes you feel the way your child is acting which you may have covered over as 'ok' but it isn't? RU at peace with his 'problems' - esp as far as it effects him in a world that may not be as co-operative and understanding as you?

Regarding point one above - if a child has a parent off the map, especially of the same sex, it CAN mean the child feels they have 'won' mum and they feel very bad about it - either they get knocked out by guilt or have to keep winning/competition.

As I say I do free reports about all this to help parents at www.childproblem.co.uk. I just did a newsletter about the experience of the child as they grow up sop parents can 'get' what they are going through. But you'd have to email me for it cos it's gone out last week - but that's no prob for anyone reading this- david@childproblem.co.uk


David