HI
Thankyou for the advice.
The children are all under 7yrs old, I haven't worked for 7 yrs. Can't really go back to work now as my middle child has special needs and I am on call from the school.My partner gets involved with younger 2 children, but wont get close to my eldest.
This baby was planned and very much wanted by us all.
And yes my partner has always been going to football, but his previous wife went off with another man as he always put football first. But now he is doing it all over again, he tells me he won't do refereeing anymore, but now he put his name down again.
Don't get me wrong I love him very much, I just want some family time, rather then just me and the kids.

Hi Emma,

I am just finishing making a DVD - this is not a sales answer! all about realtionships. I have ten years experience as a life coach in this area but it was amazing to learn even more making the video. One thing that came over loud and clear is the Independent/Dependent dynamic. What this means is that your partner is dissociated from his feelings [I am guessing this must be so - speaking as a bloke I can relate to that]. The reason he became independent is because he did not want to deal with all his needy feelings. Which are packed away innside him. THIS MEANS: When you are needy, when you say 'Can we talk darling?' he wants to go and be a referee even more! He will do a runner the more you corner him BECAUSE he sees in you all the horrible needy feelings he hasn't dealt with himself! And, again a guess, anyone who is a referee is almost certainly carrying around a past where there was lots of conflicts - so he has lots of heartbreaks, couldn't control the situation, felt guilty, inadequate, a failure.....and so on.

How can you help yourself? Stop expecting him to meet your needs - be a leader in the relationship and start to be curious about this 'not wanted' feeling? When did it REALLY start - before you even met your guy I am sure.

But that past no longer exists! So all you are carrying around is unresolved emotional crapola that if you FELT YOUR FEELINGS with an intetnion to burn through them - the issue would clear and you would begin to win back your attractiveness.

So if you want to know more [ok it is a sales answer now!!] or buy the dvd which is over two hours of simply the best - let me know or subscribe to my free parenting newsletters etc at www.childproblem.co.uk Hope this helps
David

Dear Emma,

How sad for you... I know that feeling well, I used to 'nag' my husband to spend more time with me but it never worked. He might spend a wee bit more time with me for a short while but he would resent it and it got us nowhere.

My tip would be, to start doing your own thing and do things for you and the kids - social things. Make some new friends who will support you and help you enjoy life.

Every day, think: "What can I do and enjoy today for ME?"

Continue to be nice to your partner - but send him a clear message that YOU are doing YOUR things, putting yourself first (and the kids of course).

What MAY happen is as he sees you becoming stronger and happier he will WANT to spend more time with you. There's no guarantee that this will happen but it has a much better chance than the nagging/demanding approach. PLUS, by concentrating on yourself and expanding your social life in other directions, you will eventually feel better about things generally.

When you do need to ask your partner to help, I would suggest making it very specific and clear, and also make it clear that you expect him to comply! For instance, "I need a lift to the ante-natal class." Keep it simple and straightforward, and use phrases like "I need," "I can't do this, please help out," blokes usually like to feel needed, but it's important that you communicate from a position of clarity and strength. If you tell him for instance, "I can't take the trash out, please would you do it for me," and then the next day it's still not done, don't try to give him grief about it, just ask again calmly and simply. Literally repeat what you said the day before, and avoid accusations, "you didn't do what I asked you," - it would be justified, but it just doesn't work very well!

I hope that helps a tiny bit. I hope so much you can enjoy the last month of your pregnancy. Get all the support you can from everyone around you, and expect your other half to do his bit but try to become a bit more emotionally independant from him if you can!!!

Good luck and please keep coming back to vent if it helps.

cyberhugs,

Cassie

Parenting support from Monicka and Cassie at www.kidsgoals.com.

Unsure of what further advice I can offer. You say he has always gone to football and so I assume you're okay with this. It's the refereeing you're unhappy about especially after he promised not to.
My suggestion would be to try and talk to him again calmly and have a rational debate. Explain how it would be fun to be a family and share experiences together. I think if you come across as being so needy it will put him off. He needs to explain to you why it's acceptable and how would he feel if he were in your shoes. With men you really need to spell it out and askl him to put himself in your situation and what would he do? Your new baby once born may alter him to spend more time at home and you have to ensure that he does his fair share.

Should he be stubborn I feel you have no choice but to go your separate ways and you would have to tell him this. You would have to spell it out want you want from this relationship and ask him if he wants the same. However be careful not to make an idle threat as you would have to be prepared to carry it out. Perhaps he thinks your not confident to go it alone as you need him more than he needs you. If this is the case he will continue to make you unhappy. There's nothing worse if you're feeling trapped and you should take steps to ensure that you could live without him. Hope you can work things out.

Just read Cassie's advice and she's hit the nail on the head in what I'm trying to explain. You need to be emotionally independent and I totally agree with Cassie that you being a stronger person will make you more attractive to him.
Like Cassie I've done the nagging thing and it got me nowhere. So I went ahead and did things without him. I also ensured he didn't have anything planned before I would say "You will need to look after...as I'm going to the hairdressers"! Or "I need to go to the hairdressers when should I make my appointment?" Hope your getting the jist of what I'm saying. Just GO GIRL!

Okay I'm going to say something slighty different to the other replies, yes I do agree that you need your own interests but wonder do you ever support his? Do you ever go to matches and watch? I'm really not sure I'd want to be with a partner who expected me to give up my hobbies, and if I did I imagine I'd resent them as your resenting him for not letting you have keep your interests (being together as a family being the one you've mentioned). Presumably you got together knowing how he enjoyed spending his time but now expect him to give it up which doesn't seem very reasonable. If he has a child on the way he should expect to cut down and put his family first but not stop altogether.

Looking at this from his point of view, your asking him to give up something to meet your needs but asking him to give his up altogether and I think a bit of give and take would be better, you go to the odd match and support him, in return he spends regular time at home with you and the kids.

My ex fella used to cycle, frankly the most boring thing I've ever watched in my life but I watched him race then afterwards we'd go out and have a family session so we both got what we needed out of our weekends.(We split for other reasons!)

I do agree with the advice given above but include some team work too, not much point in a relationship if your only supporting your own needs.

HI
Thankyou all for your advice, I really do have to look at myself and be more independent.
I would like to go to football matches with my partner, but its very hard getting a babysitter.
But I don't want him to give up his hobbies, just cut down.