Hi Eric,
I'm so glad you asked this question.
The relationship between you and your partner, mums and dads, together or separate is the most important key to happy children. Loving the kids but being in a fight with their mum or their dad does not do it for kids.

Any issue you have with your partner, the mum or dad, is a relfection of your 'stuff' being projected and transferred onto your partner.

So her anger, which is a cover emotion for more hurt feelings, is a mirror to what is going in you - your anger. And underneath your anger is all the unresolved stuff from your childhood which you have denied and repressed [welcome to the human race!] coming up through your wife. If she was not acting it out and your kids did not act it out, you would begin to act it out.

Your partner is following the script you handed her and the only way to resolve this is to start to take the focus off your wife and begin to look at yourself.

The way things are, you are creating greater and greater distance between your partner and yourself, you are labelling the mum and repeatedly putting that label on her.

So if you want happy kids you need to draw breath and take the plank out of your own eye so you can take the speck out of your wife's. It is psychology. We are all driven by our unresolved childhood stuff which replays in our adult lives.

You wife is showing you, under her anger where you are hurt, heart broken, guilty and have unmet needs which you have judged as bad or weak. Then we become falsely independent 'I'm fine', but the fact that things went wrong when your wife was away displays the lack of trust in yourself and how much stuff is bubbling up in you to be dealt with.

I can say so much about this it's not funny. So I'll shutup now.

Children are way more self-aware than we are and they read energy very fast and very deep - notice how they come to and leave good and bad vibes in a room - so its not about how your relationship looks - it is really about you feel towards your partner.

I really recommend you subscribe to my free reports and newsletters at www.childproblem.co.uk - there's practical advice. Feel your feelings, forgive, integrate, but make up the distance in your heart between yourself and your partner and you will see instant results in her. Strange but true!

She won't deal with it, because you won't - she's a mirror.
Good luck
David Peet

Interesting perspective. Thanks for your thoughtful answer. Definitely something to consider.

Hi Erik,

Thank you for coming back to give us an update. I'm so glad that the weekend break helped your wife relax a bit more. Good idea to make it a regular thing if you can!

Good luck with all the colds and bugs - fun time of year, isn't it?!

cyberhugs,

Cassie

Parenting support from Monicka and Cassie at www.kidsgoals.com.

I have to laugh off the idea of me causing the kids to get sick. On the weekend I took care of them, we went to a birthday party with about 20 other kids at a gymnastics center. The kids all had their shoes off and were climbing all over the equipment and each other. I have to believe there were some nasties floating around the gym. Still it's not fun and now I'm battling the flu and "pink eye".

Hi Erick, good to see you again!

As one of the members who actually read your previous post about your situation, I want to thankyou for keeping us up to date. I know I, for one, do wonder about some of our posters who have posted problems, and how they are doing now.

I'm a big believer in busy, stressed out mums taking time out once in a while. We need time off from the role of mum, wife, cook and cleaner. Sometimes we start to lose ourselves, and forget who WE are, what WE like, because our lives are so full of looking afer the needs of others. I go to rock concerts with my sister about 3 times a year, and always come back feeling boosted. I can be a little critical of how my husband has dealt with the boys, while I'm away, but I am grateful to have had the opportunity for the break.

There are numerous illnesses rampaging around at the minute, I work in school, and we have a lot of kids absent with colds, tummy bugs, and even a couple with measles. You can't really blame anyone when a kid gets sick, specially with schools being the breeding ground for nasties that they are. You've done a good job, and given your wife the chance to have some "me" time, she might need reminding that kids=bugs.

Did your wife agree to get any counselling?

I do feel for you, I wish you all the best and hope things continue to improve for you.

Thanks very much for your post. Things are improving around here, partly because of the time off my wife had.

I think that did two things, it gave her a break but it also showed her that I understand what it takes to care for the kids for an extended period of time - multiple meals, baths, getting dressed, exccursion, etc. I think it allowed her to realize that my issues were not just complaints from the outside looking in, but that I have an understanding of the difficulties, giving me the "right" to comment.

I haven't spoken to my wife about any counseling but I think she did listen to me the last time I talked to her about the effect her anger had on the kids. I'm hoping things will continue to improve and that my wife will have more confidence in me to take care of the kids so she will go away on her own again, without worries.