Hello
My son is 4, almost 5 and has recently started full time at school. Prior to that he was at full time nursery from 4 months. He is a bright child, seems to have lots of friends and has settled well at school. He is also a big lad. I have spoken to the health visitor about his weight - I am very careful about his food and he rarely has sweets/cakes/pies etc and loves fruit and veg etc, however she is not unduly concerned.

Lately he has been seen invading the space of other children by pushing himself onto them, hitting out at them, he has also started openly being disrespectful at home demanding I go and do things for him, slamming doors when I tell him off etc. Nothing seems to work - I have tried all the supernanny tactics I am aware of - sitting on the naughty stair, taking away toys and treats, rewarding with treats and stickers etc.

I work full time so am beginning to think this might be an issue, although I am very careful to spend quality time with him - I have changed my hours to allow me to walk him to school and take him to swimming lessons and so on so I am not sure that this is definitely the problem. Any help welcomed!
Kind regards
Sharon

Hi Sharon,

I admire you for being a vigilant parent here, a lot of parents would turn a blind eye to this kind of thing, feeling thankful that their child is, at least, not being bullied themselves.

My instinct would be that he is testing his power, finding out what he can make other people do. Being bigger than his peers may make him feel powerful and strong, and he probably likes this feeling, who wouldnt?

Perhaps you could introduce the idea that bigger people should look after little people, and that he is special because hes bigger and needs to use this power responsibly. (I'm stealing Uncle Bens line from Spiderman here "with great power comes great responsibility" ) The idea that he this is an important job may appeal to him.

At the risk of sounding like a stuck record, I always say that "trying everything" where discipline is concerned is much less effective than sticking rigidly to one method. Some methods take a long time to actually start having a positive effect on a child's behaviour. I'm not a big fan of the naughty seat, but obviously Supernanny has great results, it just doesn't work for me and my children. I use a marble jar, letting my kids choose one when they do something good. When its full we have a treat. This works because the good deeds are there, shiny in the jar, and even if the kids mess up, the good deed jar is still there, proving they are well behaved, to me AND to them!

For negative behaviour, I've started using a penny box. I put £2 in loose change in at the beginning of a week, and take out pennies if they don't co-operate. Usually this is for serious back chat. Whatever is left at the end of the week, they keep.

Whichever method you use, use religiously and stick with it. I find children behave best when they know exactly what will happen. It could take a while, but the routine is the key.

I applaud you for working and raising a child, and trying to spend quality time with him. Swimming and such activities are great for exercise and working off pent up energy, but we cant ever underestimate the importance of one-to-one parent and child time. Stories, craft activities, opportunities to talk, are all valuable times for communication.

On last thing, when my boys were younger I would employ the use of teddies or favourite action figures to role play with, any tie I needed to explain appropriate ways to interact with other people. Maybe you could make it a game, show him how one poor teddy feels when the other is being rough and not thinking about his friends feelings.

Best wishes, sorry this has turned into an essay!

Love Liz xx

Hello Liz
Thank you so much for responding!
This is the first time I have taken part in a forum like this and to get your comments and support was really moving!
I like your idea of the coin box and will try this next.
Thanks so much. I will let you know how it progresses. It is really tough being a parent sometimes!
Kind regards
Sharon

Hi,
One of the greatest defences there is against solving lots of problems in our lives is the embarrassment, humiliation, shame and general 'I want to die' feeling that our ego's throw at us the moment there is ANY sign of us being imperfect.

How CAN a child admit, safely, to bad feelings in a society which is basically putting on an act?

This act we all put on to some extent or another, is a compensation. We adopt roles and personalities, do our duty, and follow rules - as best we can -and then forget we did that.

But inside, there is a lot going on that has not been aired or allowed out. It is this 'stuff' that takes us over when we get triggered.

And for every person who manages to control themselves there's another one out on the street going crazy or someone else having a heart attack - taken out by unfelt feelings.

Yes it's great to learn to control yourself but this is only a number one step. The next step, which only a few brave folk take, is asking ourselves 'Why do I have to contol myself?' In the old days it was lot of nonesense about 'sin' and 'evil' and so on -this is what has to be controlled. But this really IS nonesense. If we are willing to face all the stuff we pushed down, maturely and with as much self-honesty as we can muster, it clears - we have to control ourselves less and less, we are freer, we can be outragoues and safe...life gets back its colour and we are more powerful and more creative. God knows how this may help you Sharon! Kids are ok, they need safety and wide understanding, they need depth in us. They will be stifled brought up in a society of people looking like they are OK when inside is a very different story. I do free reports etc and ww.childproblem.co.uk - thanks for reading this
David Peet