My 18 almost 19 yr old step daughter has droped out of school and stays out all night then sleeps all day. She will not activaly search for a job and has a car payment. She moved to Omaha last summer when she turned 18 because it offered better opportunities but when things didn't work out there she moved back home, dropped out of school and will not do anything all day but sleep then goes out all night. I am at my wits end and so is her father. Can anyone offer any suggestions?

OK... first up, I dont own an 18yo, so this is only what I think I would do...
How does she support her lifestyle? I would make it more and more difficult, financially, for her.I would start with that old chestnut that 'you need me more than I need you, and that would be better coming from Dad than you, in my opinion. I am figuring that you are supporting her? So, a few questions, 1) is your partner united on this with you, or are you worried about tackling this because of his reaction as much as hers? 2)Is she still respectful at home? 3)Does she do a fair share around the home? I wouldn't support her by paying her car payment, fuel insurances, or registration etc either... grownup gilr, grownup choices, grownup responsibilities...and of course still care for her, but that strategy could be tweeked along the way. You may need to buy her clothes, but no name brands etc...

jen

Of course its easy to do the tough love thingy when I am thousands of miles away, and don't own an 18yo...

We are not supporting her and I don't know how she is paying for her lifestyle. We don't buy her cig, gas or pay for her car payment or insurance. At this time I dont believe she has insurance. I am trying the tough love thing and her dad is trying but having a hard time not turning her away. As for how she is at home she is not respectful or considerate of anyone else.

You say you are not supporting her, but you talk about "how she is at home"... so I'm guessing she's staying with you.. is she paying rent?

I would make a hard and fast rule that if she is staying in your house, she WILL finish her school (and at 18, she can't have much left! what a waste). If she insists on dropping out, fine, but she will have to do so OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. Having a big rent to pay along with the car payment will give her an extra boot to find work. Help her with the damage deposit if need be but that's it.

I would be worried if she is not working but still able to PARTY **AND**make car payments... that smells of small-time drug-dealing to me... or working part time at a peeler bar... Sorry to be so blunt but something doesn't add up. Would your husband be giving her cash on the sly without telling you? That's the only "innocent" possibility I can come up with. Or she has a VERY, VERY generous boyfriend. If that's the case it won't last long.

I would kick her into having to pay rent (and NOT at your place unless she is in school -- period) PRONTO because at this point she's likely to cave and get a job. If it goes on too long and she's involved in something she shouldn't be, she may just turn to bigger drug sales or stripping full time or who knows what.

This isn't tough love, this is LIFE. You're always there to help her when she REALLY, REALLY needs it but you can't "save" her from the consequences of what she's doing or she will never learn. She CHOSE this route, if she were in school, she would have your support. This is about choices and what comes with them, SHE WILL PAY NOW OR PAY HARDER LATER. If she doesn't learn now, she will have a hard time dealing with the bigger consequences later in life. Bad credit and poor work ethic is more easily forgiven while she's young. It will be tougher on her later if you make it a walk in the park early on.

She's at home only when she doesnt have a friends house to stay at. I have tried telling her and her father that she needs to pay rent since she is not in school and if she would go to school then she could live here without paying rent. I also told her yesterday that she is running out of time to find a job or she will have to leave perminately. I am on her and her dad daily about making her get a job. He is getting annoyed with me always complaining about it but what else am I suppose to do? She needs to learn this is what she choose and that she needs to start taking responsibilty for her actions.

I don't believe she is stripping or dealing drugs, but I do believe she is doing them. I believe her "friends" give her cigs give her gas money to drive them around and what ever else she is doing. My husband is not giving her any money, I know because I asked him. I appreciate all the feed back that I have received and have tried the advice given to no avail. I guess I just need to know that what I am doing and how I feel about the whole situation is valid.

Thank you for all the advice and any other advice would be appreciated.

Well it sounds like you're doing all you can... your hands are pretty well tied if your husband won't agree and stick by it. A mind that's changed against its will is of the same opinion still, so nagging won't do much good but do continue to let your feelings on the issue be known.

I didn't mean to offend with my comment about drugs or stripping, I just didn't want to sidestep the issue since your post made me wonder where she finds the money. I can understand gas money and cigs etc. but is she still making her actual car payment each month? I know in our partying days a number of my friends were doing small-time dealings for extra cash or to make ends meet and their parents would never have suspected in a million years.

Kudos to you for exploring your options and getting advice, doing all you can to look out for her best interests. You sound like a great stepmom, I hope you are appreciated.