Hi there,

I was sure I posted yesterday but I can't find my post so I'll try again!

My son is 6 and is in year 2 of primary school. Last year he was doing really well - working hard, making good progress and behaving himself. Since this school year has begun his behaviour has worsened at home and at school. I was called into the school a couple of months ago and informed that my son does not concentrate, questions his teacher's authority (he does this with me also), does not do as he's told and gets into trouble with his friends. He was also up in front of the headteacher a couple of times - once for throwing other childrens' coats in puddles, once for messing around in the toilets (sitting on sinks etc). Now I know all 6 year olds can be a bit naughty and at first I thought perhaps the school was over-reacting (however I did address his behaviour at school - have been speaking to his teachers to find out about his behaviour (he's aware of this), monitoring his progress, taking away privileges for naughtiness etc) but this has continued.

I thought that it could be because he has different classmates this year - the school split the year into 3 classes rather than 2 - and he is now in a class with his best friend.... i know this lad gets into trouble also so i suggested to the school moving my lad to a different class. However they've assured me it's not as i thought that my son and his friend just encourage each other, as it's with other children also. He, this boy and one other were stopped from playing with each other this week and 'buddied up' with other children to encourage good behaviour.

Sorry I'm rambling but i want to give as much of a picture as i can. Now i don't think my son is a really naughty child but this is clearly severe enough for the school to keep contacting me. They informed me yesterday they are drawing up a behavioural support plan for him. When i spoke to the deputy head she informed me that when she told him off he just didn't seem to care - this is a similar reaction that i get sometimes.

I don't know what to do or where i have gone / am going wrong. My son is an only child (although socialises with other children all the time, outside of school and afterschool care also), i am a single parent (do have a boyfriend but we don't live together) and I work full time. I try not to raise my voice above a stern tone when i tell him off, i explain to him why he needs to behave and make sure he understands when he's been naughty why it was naughty. I remove privileges for bad behaviour and he has to earn them back. We do 'time out' when needed. He doesn't watch much tv or play the ps2 very often at all. We spend time together making things, reading, writing, cooking / baking etc as well as going out to places.

Oh I forgot to say he also lies quite frequently, often about silly things - like he's lying just for the sake of lying.

Also meant to say the deputy head did say that it's often difficult going into year 2 as year 1 and reception is more play focused whereas year 2 is more academic / sit down work. I just want to know why this sudden change in behaviour this year. No significant changes at home. Also may be worth mentioning his birthday is right at the end of August so he is nearly a year younger than some of his classmates.

I don't think i'm worrying needlessly, i want to help my son to behave and i certainly don't want this to be the pattern for his schooling.

I don't know what else to say that might help. Sorry this is so long, i'm just looking for some advice / guidance / tips / stories of similar problems and how you overcame them....anything would help! Thanks :)

Hi Emma,

I just read your post, thanks for putting so much information, it helps other posters to get a good picture in order to give any advice they might have, so don't worry about rambling.

I have to go out right now, but I'll think about your post and reply properly when I return, I just didnt want you to think no one's here listening!

By the way, it doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong, you're doing a brilliant job as an involved and caring mum, spending time doing activities together instead of using the TV/console as a babysitter, it takes a special person to do that. You're a great example to lots of parents, myself included.

Ill be back later!

Liz x

Hi Emma,

I too am a working single parent of a just turned 7 yr old in Yr 2 at school. At the start of yr 2 i also encountered problems and changes in my daughter. I noticed she was also coming out of school crying, would never tell me what she had done that day. She started answering me back at home, terrible temper tantrums (not experienced any of this since she was 2). I felt that I was failing her as a parent. I started talking to a few other parents at the school who suggested that I confront the teacher (explain that there had never been any problems - she was being told off for talking in class and being dis-ruptive). Her form teacher said that she liked to make examples out of naughty children (making then stand up in class while she carried on teaching). I asked if she had actually seen my daughter being naughty. She said no. I told her that I was unhappy at my daughters treatment by her, mentioned the word bullying (her bullying my daughter) which she didn't like also told her that since being back at school i have noticed a severe change in her behaviour at home. My daughter has always been a happy child, well mannered and as many people have told me a joy to be with. The teacher stopped telling my daughter off, and my daughter started enjoying school again. But now I have found out that a couple of the other girls in class have been horrible to her, calling her names and leaving her out at playtime. I have sat her down and said that these people are not real friends. It turns out that these are the girls that we initially being naughty in class and blaming my daughter. I have asked the teacher to remove them any from my daughter or I would speak to the headteacher and the school govnenors. The only time my daughter is near them is at playtime, nothing I or the school can do about this but at least I know that in class where it matters she is happy and getting on with her work. I have been told by a friend whose daughter is older that this change happens at this age because they are not being treated as little ones anymore at school and the emphasis is greater now on doing well in class. They find this scarey and confusing, because when they come home we let them be themselves, 6/7 year olds playing and not learning.
I have started a reward chart for good behaviour and if she completes it has a choice of something really nice on the last day of the month. This month she has chosen a book to read and coffee at M & S!! So far we are on course for that coffee and book. She is also talking to me more openly about things that have gone on at school. Perhaps take the emphasis of the bad things that happen, talk about the good things. I am also finding silly rewards like a magazine helpful.

I am sure you have tried this, but perhaps get him to draw his own chart and let him choose the reward.

Sorry this is so long, but wanted to let you know what I have been through and that YES you will both get through this.

Finally, he is struggling with the work at school. This can cause problems. Ask him what he thinks of his teacher. There might be a class or personality there!! There certainly was for my daughter.

Hope this helps. Remember you are not alone.

Julie.

Liz - thank you for your reply and your words of encouragement :)

Julie - thank you for sharing that with me, it's very reassuring to know i'm not the only one in this situation and that it could just be down to the move to year 2. You make lots of good points and there are several similarities between our children. My son can often be reluctant to tell me about his day at school also. Although he's not really lacking in confidence he's not one of the most outgoing in his class, he has also mentioned incidents of other children pushing him over etc.....so i am going to give this more attention and make sure it's not a case of bullying at all. The points you make about the relationship with the teacher are very valid also - i feel to a degree that my son has been labelled as a 'naughty child' and as such she may be quicker to single him out / make an example of him etc. So I shall speak to him tonight about his opinion of his teacher too. In his class the table are organised according to ability / concentration / behaviour and when i went in to see his teacher she told me she knows he has the ability and that he started the year on the top table but has now moved down 2 because he doesn't concentrate. I will ask about not letting him sit near his friends who he is disruptive with and see if this is feasible.

We don't actually have a reward chart at the moment but i think i am going to try and do one this afternoon - there are examples on this site aren't there? I was thinking that he could earn himself pocket money on a daily basis ie 30p a day for good behaviour for him to spend on the weekend. Does that sound like a good idea? I figured that would also teach him that he has to earn money and save for the things he'd like and if he behaves well at the weekend he can get a magazine and maybe some sweets.

thanks again, em x

I'd be careful giving money for good behavior, since you'll be in for some nastiness any time he decides he wants a raise.

I like the chart and reward idea, but I think the reward should be something other than money, more like a thank-you gift.

If you want him to learn about earning money, give him some extra chores so he's actually doing a job.

Just my 2 cents.

Also, in my humble opinion, authority is meant to be questioned. Otherwise we get idiots in places of power they have no business being in. Respect is earned... by self-respect, by doing what you say you will and having valid reasons for your actions. I LOVE kids who question authority, it shows they won't do just anything for just anybody. In this day and age, that's a very important self-preservation quality. The thing is, these kids EXCEL when you give them a REASON to. (BTW, when I was a kid, my teachers either loved me like gold or hated me with a vengeance. Depends whether they earned my respect or not. I graduated with honours. )

Definitely ask him about his teacher and other kids at school. You mentioned some not-so-nice things that he's doing at breaks (the jackets in puddles, etc.), but how exactly is he disruptive when he is being disruptive in class? Sometimes teachers call fidgeting disruptive when realistically children were not designed to sit in chairs all day and of course get restless. If your son tends to be very active he may just be having trouble with sitting still for so long.

hi aerin,

thanks for your reply - some good points there. Yes i was thinking about the pocket money thing over the weekend, and i agree - it would be better if the reward is something that involves him and i doing something nice together. perhaps like julie said - i could take him out for hot chocolate and a snack etc.

also, that's a really good point about questioning authority and to a degree it's my 'fault' as i always explain to him why he needs to do things, why he shouldn't do things etc. so i guess it's just that he wants to know WHY he should do this or that.

re how he's being disruptive in class - yes it is often that he's not sitting still doing as he's been instructed, or messing around with his friends.

i feel a lot more positive now. i'm expecting another call from the school today to arrange to go in and see them.

thanks, em x

Hi again Em,

Sorry I abandoned ship like that, it seems now, I have no better advice that what the other ladies have said. I echo the other post about questioning quthority not necessarily being a bad thing, people like that are the ones who make changes when they grow up, and will stand for what they believe rather than be Yes people.

How did your call from school go?

Liz x

when i took my son to school this morning the family liasion officer mentioned his behaviour to me as well. i informed her i am waiting for a call to arrange a meeting and asked her to chase this up for me. i'm hoping someone will ring once the school day is done.