I have found the naughty step to be very effective with my 2.5 yr old son. I'm experiencing similar issues with yourself in that he always says NO to every request. So I sort of barter with him to gain his cooperation. For examply more often than not he won't volunteer himself for a nappy change so I have to tell him that he can't do someting until we've changed his bum (i.e. telly, play with his toys, can't go to playgroup etc). I feel he's trying to wind me up so I endeavour to appear calm even though I'm dog tired with my baby disturbing my sleep and could very easily just snap at him. You haven't mentioned specifically how he is misbehaving. Could you ignore some of them as I also find ignoring him works as he isn't getting my attention that he wants i.e. when he plays with his food I simply say "looks like you've finished" and take his plate away as telling him to stop wouldn't work.
As far as him participating in activities, as he always been like this? Did he ever go to a playgroup or socialise with friends at home or visit any? Also have his teachers expressed any concern to you?
I suggest that when home you should do activities together that he enjoys and try to praise him i.e. If he's playing nicely on his own then tell him. Try to involve him when ever you can. My son thinks it great that he sits on the worktop and puts the carrots I've peeled and sliced into the pan of water and says he's cooking!
I'm no expert on child matters but I'm trying to be a positive parent in that I praise him lots, ignore some of his bad behaviours but when he's being downright naughty i.e. smacking me or having a tantrum then he's on the naughty step. He hates being ignored and so if I say "if you don't do....." and count to 3 he has done what I've asked him just as I've counted 3!
All the things you do make your son worse because he is desperate. Punishment and spanking hurt. No one learns anything when they are hurt. All he learns is, "Mom doesn't love me. I am no good." This causes aggression and out of control behavior.
Children cooperate from their own free will when they see us being totally on their side. The moment we show up as the "police" they go against us if they can. (some obey and become depressed later.)
Please read, Raising Our Children, Raising Oursevles, and learn to understand your son. You will have much relief. You can have a boy who behaves well because he wants to, not because he is afraid of your anger.
