My brother and his wife have two sons, S,11 and J,8. S is a normal boys' boy. J has been into girly things ever since anyone can remember. Most of what I know I have either seen myself or my daughters (10 and 8) have told me. His hair is a bit past shoulder lenghth and done in a very girlish style. His mom has put it up in curlers several times. (I wish my 8year olds hair looked as good as his!) He often has his nails painted and has a doll collection that rivals that of my girls!
This past Christmas they came to visit us (Cleveland to Chicago). They walk in and the first thing I see is that he and his mom have matching nail colors.
The whole time they were here he played only with my girls. One day he came down to lunch wearing one of my 8year old's dresses.
His mom has been saying for years that it is nothing to worry about, "a stage", etc. I can tell that his dad has gotten very upset with this "stage' going on and on, but he wont discuss it with me. His mom, through her tone and attitude whenever it has been brought up my me, has a "mind your own business" attitude about it, without saying those words.
He doesnt wear girly clothes or nail polish to school, but he is quite effeminate and gets a lot of teasing.
I am at wit's end. Every time I try to discuss it with my brother he refuses to do so..they "are dealing with it".
What can I do? 8 years old is wayyy to old for this poor kid to be allowed to continue this. (and in my opinion, his mom encourages it)

I'd agree with his mum...not your business.

If he's happy then leave him be, he's not your child so its not your choice what he can and can't do. He may grow out of it or he may wear his curlers till the day he dies, so what, if thats his personality then you take him for who he is and don't crush the poor kids self esteem by trying to make him be someone he isn't.

I think his mother has a healthy attitude towards it, she's allowing him to have his phase and if it is just a phase her attitude is the one that will work it out of his system fastest, not yours or his dads.

I agree with the previous reply provided the nail polish, dresses, curls, dolls, etc. are the child's choice and not the Mom's.

Hi Lydia,

I think the problem comes more from peoples attitudes toward gender roles than from this little boys behaviour. For example, you yourself referred to the eldest son as a "normal" boys' boy. I think the real issue no one really says is that he may grow up to be a gay man. And people think being gay is somehow connected to mental disturbance, and that these traits could have been avoided, had something only been done differently.

This is a debate that hasn't been resolved, but my own experience has been that people are who they are from a very young age. Any attempts to kurb a deep personality trait will only cause someone to do things secretly, attach guilt to their actions, and will have very little effect on the outcome. My friends son was effeminate from an early age, in speech and posture, played with barbies etc. And, yes, he came out as gay when he was 17. He was kicked out of the home, treated terribly, even when it was obvious this is who he is, and always has been.

I'm not suggesting that, at 8, this little boy will be gay, but it is definately what is at the root of the concerns people have when boys act in a girlish way. He may very well grow up and not be gay, just sensitive and artistic man who likes looking after his appearance. Lots of men have manicures and their hair done, and love the pampering involved.

So. You feel 8 years old is too old for him to "be allowed" to continue. So what would you do? Would you forbid it, making him feel like hes doing something bad? If that is so, then its a good job he isnt yours.

You feel that your brother is upset, but he wont discuss it with you, perhaps because he knows your views and doesnt want to argue with you. This is a clear message that you need to let them get on with it, and stop judging them.

Liz x

I am sorry, but I agree with the other posts too... you are part of his family, but a distant part- interstate, so what would you hope to achieve in this anyway? Give him a good shaking and thats the end of it?

Perhaps this young bloke would appreciate a supportive and respectful aunt to confide in, in the future. 8 is very young to begin driving a wedge between you. I wouldn't encourage the behaviour by giving him dolls, but I wouldn't give anyone a gift that you knew they wouldn't enjoy, (like a trucks for instance) either. The old saying goes 'you cant choose your family' and he is your family, and all families need support and love, warts (as you perceive them) and all. Give him a hug, tell him you love him, or that you are proud of something he has done, then go beserk and do the same for his Dad, sounds like he has similar feelings to you ( go figure, when you grew up together...) so he probably needs some support too, both could be victims of teasing from friends etc...You have an important job to do here.

thats my 2cents worth...
jen

if i was you id be worried about you and not him. he doesnt sound unhappy the way he is.

its YOU that has a problem.

he may be gay, he may not be.
what you need to decide is if you love the nephew you have, or if you love who youd want him to be.

willow
xxx

Thank you all for your input. I had been getting similar input from a couple of my friends. It is so true that whether this is just a stage or not, he is my nephew and we should have as good a relationship as we can.

As soon as school was out, my 2 daughters and I visited them for a week in Cleveland. I was determined to be a good aunt to him...and I think I was. I was shocked when I first saw him (his hair is to die for, a little past the shoulders with beautiful curls and bounce, a knee length shirtdress, maryjane sneakers, and taupe nailpolish) but i didnt show it. I gave him a hug went our of my way to be nice and get to know him. He plays the piano some, and I also play, so I spent some time with him at the piano a few times and we had a nice time together.

We all went to an amusement park togehter one day and ALL had a wonderful time together. Even when dressed in boy clothes, anyone would and do guess he is a girl with his hair, delicate features (and often nailpolish). I am still worried for him. Its a cold cruel world out there. But i am proud of the way i have been able to chill out and just get to know him regardless of the gender stuff.

Hi again Lydia,

Its so nice to hear an update from you. You say you're proud of yourself, and you should be. It takes a lot of strength to see a flaw in your thinking and work to change it. Your nephew will benefit greatly from having your support.

I understand you being worried, and yes, it is a cruel world. My own son is very sensitive, feels deeply about things, feels like he loves everyone, hugs people who walk past in the street. When the big mean world takes its toll, I am scared he will be extremely hurt, maybe irrepairably so. So I can understand your feelings, but I feel that, like you, I must be on his side, and be there when he needs me, rather than try to change him.

On the upside though, attitudes are changing. People are starting to accept other people's differences, and I think the younger generation on the whole are very good at looking beyond the outer appearance. They are the first ones to pull us oldies up about racism, generalisation, sexism, homophobia and so on. So, maybe when your nephew is older, things will have improved and he won't have as hard a time as you feared.

I wish you and your nephew all the best.

Liz x