I am caring for my niece aged 6 for the next 3 weeks while my sister and husband are away on vacation. The problem is that my sister is a loving mom and takes very good care of her daughter but baby's her far too much. My niece turned 6 this month and is still in diapers and still has a Nuk. I am trying to potty train her without any success so far. I don't have any children myself so it's not easy for me as this is all new. The question i want to ask is. Is the way my sister is bring up her daughter a form of neglect ? I am concerned as her parenting style is not helping her daughter to become independant. My sister thinks that kids should do things when they are ready and that it will happen and doesn't believe in putting pressure on her child to grow up. I agree to a point but this girl is 6 YEARS OLD ! Now she goes to school and is very smart so it's not as if she just doesnt "get it". She wears a diaper to school but they wont changer her there and when she gets home in the afternoon she always has a full diaper. Sometimes they have to call my sister up to the school if she has a messy (soiled) diaper to change her. She doesn't get teased or so my sister says. My niece is not embarrassed one bit about other kids knowing she is in diapers infact she will tell them herself ! I sat her down today and told her that when this packet of diapers runs out that is it, she has to start using the potty. I told her how much of a big girl she is. We only have about 15 diapers left so i think i should prepare her now because she goes through about 10 a day. as soon as i told her that she started crying and saying she doesn't want to be a big girl. I asked her why she doesn't want to wear big girl panties and she told me that she likes having a 'warm ' diaper. i asked her what she means by that and she told me that likes having a poopy diaper. I thought kids HATED having a dirty diaper ? I don't understand it at all. She does hide when she messes in her diaper and sometimes even cries when it is getting changed so i do believe she likes the feel of a a wet and messy diaper. on top of that is the problem with weaning her off the NUK she is addicted to it. The only time it's not in her mouth is when she is at school. She still wont sleep alone and sleeps with her parents everynight. At the moment I'm having problems getting her to sleep at night as her parents put her in the car and take her for a drive to get her off to sleep. I refuse to do that and i let het cry herself to sleep. I really want to try and break that habit. I'm not going to try to take the Nuk away as it would be bad timing since she would be missing her mom and dad but i want to try and toilet train her over the next 3 weeks. Am i wrong in trying to do this as she's not my child ? I feel she needs to be potty trained and It concerns me that my sister is not trying to push it more then she is. If anyone has any ideas on handle this situation it would be appreciated. I have tried talking to my sister and her husband but its like talking to a brick wall. Also does antone have any potty training tips for an older child ? Ive had a look on message boards for tips but its all about toddlers. sorry this was very long winded.

Please help
Thankyou

Hi,
I have just posted on this forum and noticed your post. I was really upset for the little girl. I have a 6yr old girl and trying to imagine her going to school with a nappy on was very disturbing. I think her mother is doing something very wrong here and needs help(dont mean that in a bad way). Her daughter cant be having a nice time at school. More i think about it the more its really hitting home what the litle girl must be going through. Also the school cant be impressed with it. Its really not fair what her mothers doing/done. Its up to the parents to teach their kids and ween them off the nappies and use the potty then on to the toilet.

Hope it works out and im sorry if this hasnt been any use to you but I felt that I need to say something.

Good Luck

Thankyou Keith for your response.

I agree with what you are saying also but it's hard when it's not your child. I'm hoping to get some more similar replies to show my sister and hopefully convince her that how she is bringing up her daughter is not good for her. The little girl is an only child and my sister and her husband tried for 13 years to have a baby and after several attempts at IVF she finally had my niece at 46, so I think that is part of the reason she does baby her. they obviously wont be having more children and dont want her to grow up too quickly.

Thankyou again for your reply.

Hi Lisa.

First, yes you are wrong to try to train this girl, she's not yours and your merely looking after her for a few weeks. The reason I think your wrong is she will go home and most likely it will all go back to normal confusing her and quite possibly alienating her parents...when you'd be much more use by staying involved.

Your not wrong to be concerned though and the situation sounds very absurd. I'm suprised the school hasn't involved the authorities, I don't think neglect is the right word to describe it but there is definitely something very wrong here, not neccasarilly in the way they love there child but in there efforts to keep her a baby, and I think your sister needs some kind of support. (Depression springs to mind)

i can sort of understand your sisters position in away, i guess its natural to want to protect your child and not being able to have more kids will exacerbate your sisters wish for her not to grow up, she is trying to savour all these moments in her childs life as they wont happen again. however, stunting and restricting her own daughters development, physically and emotionally, to make herself feel better is TOTALLY selfish. the best gift a parent can give their child is to raise them to be independent and self reliant, a stable and balanced person who can make a meaningful contribution to the world. the way your niece is going she will be none of these things, all you will end up with is a damaged person who wont learn to be her own person or to trust herself, instead go through life absolving herself of all responsibility. i dont know that it is neglect or abuse in a way that the authorities would take notice of, and this course of action would probably damage your relationship with your sister beyond repair. is there a child or family health care service you could contact for some advice and who could talk to your sister and put across some of your concerns? she would probably take it better from an independent professional than from family, silly but thats often how it works! i wish you all the luck in the world

Dear Lisa,

Your post really tugged at my heart strings. You are in such an awkward situation and it is so difficult to know what is the best thing to do.

My opinion from what you have said is that this little girl is rather disturbed and that the way her mother is keeping her a baby is not only stunting her growth but is nothing less than emotionally abusive. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I have personal experience of emotional abuse and I know how much damage it can do years and years down the line.

As to what you should do over the next three weeks, that is a really difficult question. Although she is not your daughter you ARE responsible for her during this time and need to care for her in what you feel is the best way for her needs. At all costs avoid saying anything about "Mommy shouldn't let you wear nappies" (I'm sure you wouldn't say anything like that anyway)... but if you treat the potty training as "in this house we use the potty" then perhaps that would be acceptable - that way if her mother does revert to all the old behaviors afterwards, your niece knows that auntie has different rules in her house and mommy has different rules at home rather than feeling that you and her mom are fighting over what she should do generally. I hope that made a bit of sense.

Given that point of view, helping her over the next three weeks to use the potty seems like a fair thing to do, but as she is disturbed by so many things at the moment I think you will have to go very slowly and gently.

I think the most important thing for you to focus on, if you're able to commit the time and energy, is spending as much quality time with your niece, really focussing on her interests and needs in an age-appropriate way as you can to help her build some self confidence. Certainly criticising or punishing in any way regarding the nappies would be counter productive. She needs to feel more secure I think is the bottom line.

Try to make the next three weeks about loving and confidence building. That would be the very best gift you could give her. She is a lucky little girl to have such a caring aunt.

Very best of luck and please let us know how you get on.

Cyberhugs,

cassie

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Thankyou all very much for your views on this situation. Also thanks Cassie, it's good to see that I'm not the only one who thinks the way my sister is raising her daughter is like emotional abuse.

During the time she was staying with me, I did get her to use the potty for the first time, just not consistantly, but its a start. She was in pullups when she was with me and some days she really made an effort to go on the potty, she didn't like it when the pictures faded away lol. Unfortunately she has totaly regressed since going home, even though my sister has been encouraging her to go and rewarding her when she does. I think my niece thinks now she's back home that she can just go back to diapers. She is back in diapers all the time now, even though my sister asks her often if she wants to go potty, she just says no. My sister is making more effort to potty train her, but she still puts diapers on her which I think it's giving her mixed messages and she wont go at all now. i do feel she will if my sister gets rid of the diapers. I guess there is not much I can do for now and just hope that she decides herself that she wants to stop wearing diapers for good.

Thanks for your help

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Thank you for coming back to tell us how it has been going. I'm sorry to hear that the good help you gave your niece seems to have been in vain! The good news on the nappy front specifically is that you can be pretty sure the girl will eventually work things out and train herself. More generic emotional issues, however, worry me more.

You say you feel like there is not much you can do now and to some extent of course that is true. But please don't under-estimate how important you are to this little girl that you love. When we have emotional issues at home, the knowledge that there is another adult who will always be there for us is invaluable.

When I was little, my gran was that person. I was rarely allowed to spend time with her and indeed sometimes didn't see her for a few years at a time, while going through some quite traumatic experiences with my mother. But I always had that knowledge that she was there to help me if it came to it. I fantasized for many years about running away to live with her until it came true when I was 15!

I'm not suggesting for a minute that my situation was similar to your niece's, but I do believe that you being there for her, letting her know that you love her in an appropriate rather than narcissistic (sp?) way, and are there to support her is a wonderful gift that she will value for the rest of her life.

cyberhugs,

Cassie


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