I know what you are dealing with as I was in your shoes. I have been with my husband almost 12 years. He has 2 children from his previous marriage that we had every other weekend and a week for vacation during the year. When we had our 2 daughters there was so much tension in the house, mostly because my husband felt bad discipling his kids that he only saw every other week. I could NEVER say anything negative because then it was percieved that I hated his children. What it came down to was me explaining to him that we needed to be consistent with all 4 kids and not have two serperate rules. We also sat all the kids and went over the rules and let them know that no matter what, their father and I loved all of them equally, that we were one big family, and that none of us was going anywhere and we needed to learn to get along, that there would no longer be 2 sets of rules and that accountability was going to play a huge factor in our home. As it stands now, after 12 years and having my stepkids living with us 1/2 the time now, we have grown into a very strong, loving family, that yes at times will have arguements but hey, that's what families are about. First step is to get your partner on board or this will never work. Most importantly start doing things as a whole family (outdoor games, sports, trips, etc). This will also help unite the family.

Hi Gaby,
thanks so much for your time and encouragement. I'm inspired by you success and agre that I need more buy-in from my partner on the one set of rules thing. there's definitely a division in this area and it's that which is most uncomfortable - I don't dislike his children, but i also won't continue to put up with the attitude and rudeness of his son. it's obvious to me that his input pre- me was limited, as he is only just beginning to go beyond the old attitude of throwing cash at them, instead of giving them time. now we sit and play board games, eat together (they used to eat different meals at different times, on demand, with no structure) and they don't appear to be so demandng of material things. I think our ideals for parenting have been shaped so differently and that in itself is tricky.

Thanks so much (I'm having a bad day
your input has been very welcome
Love Debs
XX

Hi Debs, I know it is so hard and at times I felt like calling it quits. But, both of us having been married and divorced neither of us wanted to put the kids through that again. I really hope that you can get through this rough patch. No one is to say exactly how long it will last as it is obviously different in every case. BUT if you truely have the belief and strength to know that you are with the right person and that it's worth fighting for... then your beliefs and hard work will pay off and the kids will see that they are in a strong, loving and nurturing environement where they don't have to compete for the attention. Be firm, be strong and stay confident and everything will work out. Hope your partner is as supportive as mine and that your day gets better.

Gaby

hI gABY,
THANKS SO MUCH FOR YOUR GOOD ADVICE, MY DAY DID GET BETTER TOO, THANKS. i TOOK A GOOD LOOK AT MYSEKF, AND BELIEVE THAT I WAS TRYING TOO HARD (MAYBE!!) AND SO I RELAXED THIS WEEKEND, AND TOOK A BACK SEAT. WE HAD OUR BEST WEEKEND YET, WHICH, WASN'T WITHOUT INCIDENT, BUT TAKING A MORE DISTNAT VIEW WAS PROBABLY ONLY NORMAL BEHAVIOUR FROM OUR THREE LOVELY HEALTHY CHILDREN, SO I GUESS I NEEDED TO STEP AWAY A LITTLE. THANKS SO MUCH, YOU REALLY HAVE BEEN A FABULOUS HELP TO ALL 5 OF US!
WITH LOVE & HUGS TO YOU. DEB, LESLIE CHARILE-ANNE JOSH & SOPHIE