Hi,
thanks for this, nope, I'm frmo a stable background where everybody is still around. i lost my husband when my daughter was tiny, but my partner's ex wife is very much involved, so i hope that helps you. I agree that the children of my partner might have issues with stability, as they haven't shared their dad like this, but it has been a very gradual process and i believe that we both worked hard to make it succesful. in regard to me being right & him catching up, again, a little wide of the mark, we are a partnership, shoulder to shoulder, hence the support of each other. if you have any suggestion about how to ease the children, that would be greatly appreciated.

thanks,

debs

Hi Debs,

What a difficult situation for all of you ... and especially for the kids of course.

I'm not sure if this suggestion will be practical for you or not, but I wonder if you could try to spend some extra time with your daughter, one-on-one time, on the weekends, leaving your partner to have time alone with his two.

Ultimately hopefully they will learn to get on better, but taking a more gradual approach might help ... especially if they start to associate the weekends with NICE things - one on one time with the parent they love and want, then coming together as a family perhaps for the evening meal?

Good luck and please let us know how you get on!

cyberhugs,

Cassie

Parenting support from Monicka and Cassie at www.kidsgoals.com.

Visit us today to get your free fortnightly parenting newsletter.

I think basically dad needs to wise up to what his kids are up to and you both need to agree that when it comes to them saying she did this that and the other its time to go deaf unless you've actually caught them in the act. My solution with my kids is they ALL go upstairs until they want to be nice to each other...no blame laid just I'm not interested in there petty fights and not going to take sides. When you've got kids coming to you with different stories its hard to know which is telling the truth (if any of them are) and mostly there better off left to sort it out amongst themselves. If there getting a good response its only going to continue.

You say the boys doing stuff when dads not there...does that mean dad goes out during weekends with his kids? I don't think you should be left in the position of having to dish out the discipline in this situation.

Also, in your shoes, I'd pick them off one by one...get dad to take the girls out and leave you alone with your stepson, spend some quality time with him and have a casual chat about why he doesn't seem to get along with your daughter, don't try to convert him, just listen, then you'll have a better idea of whats going on in his head. Accept that they may just not like each other and that all your asking is he treats her with more respect pointing out that the benefit of that is a more enjoyable time at dads. Always get the ringleader on side!

Oh brilliant advice, thank you so much, I knew there was a way round this, I will try what you have suggested - in particular the not getting involved in the squabbles.
a million thanks for your advice Ellie,

big hug,

Debs & co.

I know what you are dealing with as I was in your shoes. I have been with my husband almost 12 years. He has 2 children from his previous marriage that we had every other weekend and a week for vacation during the year. When we had our 2 daughters there was so much tension in the house, mostly because my husband felt bad discipling his kids that he only saw every other week. I could NEVER say anything negative because then it was percieved that I hated his children. What it came down to was me explaining to him that we needed to be consistent with all 4 kids and not have two serperate rules. We also sat all the kids and went over the rules and let them know that no matter what, their father and I loved all of them equally, that we were one big family, and that none of us was going anywhere and we needed to learn to get along, that there would no longer be 2 sets of rules and that accountability was going to play a huge factor in our home. As it stands now, after 12 years and having my stepkids living with us 1/2 the time now, we have grown into a very strong, loving family, that yes at times will have arguements but hey, that's what families are about. First step is to get your partner on board or this will never work. Most importantly start doing things as a whole family (outdoor games, sports, trips, etc). This will also help unite the family.

Hi Gaby,
thanks so much for your time and encouragement. I'm inspired by you success and agre that I need more buy-in from my partner on the one set of rules thing. there's definitely a division in this area and it's that which is most uncomfortable - I don't dislike his children, but i also won't continue to put up with the attitude and rudeness of his son. it's obvious to me that his input pre- me was limited, as he is only just beginning to go beyond the old attitude of throwing cash at them, instead of giving them time. now we sit and play board games, eat together (they used to eat different meals at different times, on demand, with no structure) and they don't appear to be so demandng of material things. I think our ideals for parenting have been shaped so differently and that in itself is tricky.

Thanks so much (I'm having a bad day
your input has been very welcome
Love Debs
XX

Hi Debs, I know it is so hard and at times I felt like calling it quits. But, both of us having been married and divorced neither of us wanted to put the kids through that again. I really hope that you can get through this rough patch. No one is to say exactly how long it will last as it is obviously different in every case. BUT if you truely have the belief and strength to know that you are with the right person and that it's worth fighting for... then your beliefs and hard work will pay off and the kids will see that they are in a strong, loving and nurturing environement where they don't have to compete for the attention. Be firm, be strong and stay confident and everything will work out. Hope your partner is as supportive as mine and that your day gets better.

Gaby

hI gABY,
THANKS SO MUCH FOR YOUR GOOD ADVICE, MY DAY DID GET BETTER TOO, THANKS. i TOOK A GOOD LOOK AT MYSEKF, AND BELIEVE THAT I WAS TRYING TOO HARD (MAYBE!!) AND SO I RELAXED THIS WEEKEND, AND TOOK A BACK SEAT. WE HAD OUR BEST WEEKEND YET, WHICH, WASN'T WITHOUT INCIDENT, BUT TAKING A MORE DISTNAT VIEW WAS PROBABLY ONLY NORMAL BEHAVIOUR FROM OUR THREE LOVELY HEALTHY CHILDREN, SO I GUESS I NEEDED TO STEP AWAY A LITTLE. THANKS SO MUCH, YOU REALLY HAVE BEEN A FABULOUS HELP TO ALL 5 OF US!
WITH LOVE & HUGS TO YOU. DEB, LESLIE CHARILE-ANNE JOSH & SOPHIE