Hi,
Beating is not a good option, as you say, but appears so when we got beaten or bullied or poorly parented ourselves - in this case, John - who reflect us all. One way or another we re-cycle our issues as we go through life and have chance to make new choices and process unfelt stuff - anger, resentment etc. It can be in the womb onwards - so John is dealing with a needy baby feeling etc.

Your relationship with your son Sue seems to be a bit damaged right now. If he is lying to you it is because he feels like he would rather die than tell you the truth. Which means he is ashamed or feels bad about himself and what he is doing. When people lie it is because they do not want to face the feelings THEY have. So it is not about deceiving you, it is about lying in order to avoid something, a bad feeling or a nasty self-concept.

If you, as a person, are overly judgemental, demanding, strict, blaming, not accountable for your own behaviour but tending to see others as the cause of the problem, then you are caught in all your own projections. This means things you do not like to think about are hurled out of your mind and put on people around you, people that can take that particular projection in a plausible way. For example, if you think you are a bad mother you may project onto your son that he is a bad son - etc.

You have a 'lying' projection you are putting on your son at least. You know if it is a projection because of the level of judgement it brings up in you.

If, as an adult, you are refusing to face something, refusing to communicate with someone about how you feel, in your life, then in effect you too are lying. This may mean you are living in a role, pretending to be soemone you are not- we all do this. When your son lies, it really pushes your buttons. Perhaps you indulge yourself and feel bad about it, or you don't indulge yourself and feel resentful. Whichever way I look at this, there is a piece in you that is not being true. And, with the porn, give the kid a break! He's a boy entering adolescnce - be his grown up friend, let him feel safe with you.
David Peet
I do free reports etc you can subscribe at www.childproblem.co.uk

you could try putting a programe on your computer like net nanny. it might not stop the lies but at least he cant get on to porn sites.
11 year olds tend to push the bounderies to see what they can get way with if you confront him in a none judgmental way then hopefully he can be honest about why he was there and maybe open up the communication channel between you, making him less likely to lie and more likely to ask in future.
the other thing you could do is sit him down and say now he is older you think he should be part of the decition making process and ask him if he would like to help you make up his new rules.
that way you can both put accross valid pouints of view and he cn help decide on his punishments for breaking the rules.
im not sure if this will help
angela

Well, if you are sure of the time log, then I hate to say it, but have you broken the skateboard yet? Don't make empty threats, it only teaches him to not take you seriously.

And in the future, try not to make threats that damage property. ;D Make the threat match the violation -- he looks at sites you don't agree with, he loses his computer priveleges or has to be supervised (and at a time that is convenient for YOU. No guilting about "but I have to get ____ done", HE broke the agreement, right?)

At eleven, the most important message you can send to him is that you want to trust him to be responsible for himself. It's important for you to understand that in the teenage years, you just need to hold tight for the ride and be there for guidance. You can never have enough "control" over a teenager to keep them safe, you must teach them how to keep THEMSELVES safe. That won't happen in a lying/untrusting relationship. He needs to feel that he can come to you for advice and be awarded some respect for having the guts to do that.

For the porn situation specifically, tell your son (CALMLY) that you know he was less than honest with you about his computer ventures, and that you would like to be treated more respectfully and told the truth next time. Don't respond to any objections at this point, wait until he is quiet if necessary and then continue. You understand that he is trying to learn what it is to be a man, but while developing sexual feelings you feel he is looking in the wrong places. Explain specifically what makes you uncomfortable with porn -- that real women will require his respect, will not have balloons on their chests, will not play stupid for him, submit themselves to uncomfortable acts, rip all the hair off their nether-regions etc. etc. Ask him plainly if there is a respectable male figure (dad, maybe) that he would feel comfortable having a chat with about male sexuality and relating to women. Then follow through by arranging it.