Hi Bryan,
This situation can be resolved by your consciously choosing your wife, to be bonded with her as closely as you can. Altho many of us are married or live together, the process of becoming close and closer still is a lifetime of lessons. So this is in no way a crticism of your relationship. The fact is your daughter feels she has won your heart over her mum - i.e. she feels closer to you than she thinks your wife feels close to you. It is so common as to be almost a universal process. But the commitment you make to your partner is the foundation of your happiness, your daughter's happiness in the long term, and your wife's. It may feel you are betraying your daughter if you do this because a 'special relationship' may seem to be lost for a while, but it will put everything back in balance. I do free reports about this if you subscribe at www.childproblem.co.uk. Mum and dad are the team leaders and their partnership provides the stability, the direction and the maturity for the whole family unit. In such a safe environment all things children face will be healed speedily. Communication is a good start.
David Peet

Hi Bryan,

Your little girl sees you as the one in charge, she doesn't see you guys as a team. I think this is due to you stepping in and exacting your own form of discipline, instead of backing your wife up.

I would suggest you don't take over, since this tells the little girl that mum doesn't have the authority. But don't leave mum without backup either, or the little girl will think you don't agree and are sticking up for her (your daughter). You need to back her up. While she is working with your child, you could say, "yes, mummy is right, please do as she says." Then let your wife continue with whatever she is doing with the little girl. Present a united front.

Perhaps your wife is a bit of a pushover, and she needs some parenting/discipline advice. And, please don't harp on to your wife about how your daughter is good for you and not for her. Try to build her self esteem with regard to parenting. When something is a success, tell her "nice job, mum" or something. She may well be feeling like a failure right now, especially if it is so obvious that her little girl disregards her and listens to you.

One last thing, I must repeat what I've said before on this forum. Stop "trying everything"! It doesn't really matter much what system you have, as long as you stick with it. It will work. It won't produce perfect behaviour, but it WILL send the message that bad behaviour has consistent consequences. Kids love predictability in their lives. Stick to the same reward/consequence system, keep it in place, and the message will come through.

Best wishes

Love Liz x

Don't step in but back mum up by saying 'do as your mum tells you' (and I would be quite harsh about it, Liz is obviously nicer than me ) without coaxing or attention, and then leaving mum to dish out the consequences. You have to give your daughter the chance to see that mum's in charge too, atm she knows she can act up for quite some time before you come to rescue her (mum) and any child would naturally revel in it. If you feel you can't resist the temptation to step in, go for a walk round the block to take yourself out of the situation which will also let your daughter see your just not playing that game anymore.
I imagine your stepping in knocks mums confidence a fair bit too so you'll be helping her too.