I have been contemplating whether I should post this – for fear that I will be misunderstood and get scolding left, right and centre from all of you out there… but please listen with an open heart and try to feel how I feel from my stand, and give me feedback, please?

My significant half (Z) is a divorcee and so am I. Due to some complicated problems, his ex did not allow him access to his only son who is now 8 yrs old. The son and ex stay approximately 250 km away (in another state).

I have a 9-yr-old son staying with me. Z has a very good relationship with my son (because he misses his own son very much, so he treats my son like his own). My son likes him a lot too.

Everything went well until lately, Z couldn’t help the pain of not seeing his son (also partly due to my sincere encouragement) (it’s been 3 1/2 years since Z last saw him) and had decided to go to his school to see him (there’s no way for Z to see son at home cause the ex deliberately keeps the son away from Z). He finally met son at school 4 months ago (the son could hardly recognize him!!). Z burst into tears. He followed son back home (even though the ex and in-laws were there). Z even had meals there with them just to be with the son as long as he could (even though he had to endure the fierce looks from the ex and mom-in-law). Z followed behind when the ex brought son out for a walk (Z doesn’t speak to ex anymore). Z was even scolded by the mom-in-law with harsh words (the ex left Z because she could not get along well with Z’s mom and was angry that Z gave pocket money to his own mom on a monthly basis!) After seeing the son, Z kept thinking about son and that made me feel I am losing him.

Please believe me, since day one, I have been praying with all my heart that Z would reunite with son one day. I was the one who encouraged Z to make all possible ways to see son again. But things turned out that, I feel left out and unimportant to Z now. Z said he would take leave to see son at school every month (that leaves me with no more leave to go outing with Z and I was sad and felt resentful). I started to compare the way he treats his own son and mine (even though he has been real nice and kind to mine). I felt that it was just DIFFERENT. Resentment started to build up within me and finally, I burst out one fine day and had a fierce argument with Z (never before – he is a very gentle and soft-spoken man). Even though it was real hurting (we said words that we shouldn’t have) but it ended up with a better understanding between us and made our relationship stronger.

I must emphasize, Z is a very nice, kind, gentle and soft-spoken man. We love each very much. The thing is, I feel very unimportant when compared to his son (he always tags his son as “my son, my blood”). I have suggested that he brings me along the next time he goes to see son and introduces me to son (I think that would make me feel being a part of the whole thing) and Z has agreed.

Please advise if I have been narrow-minded in dealing with my feelings (but please spare the scolding?) Thank you for your time in reading such long posting.

You are just being human, its natural as a parent to encourage another parent to make contact with his child, and just as natural, I would suspect, to start feeling left behind and insecure when that contact happens. It's all pretty intense isn't it?

Has he reassured you that he loves you still?

Has he dramatically changed the relationship he has with your son?

Z has a lot to deal with at the moment, facing the ex, deciding how to achieve a decent relationship with his son, perhaps the court system, maintaining things with you and your son, and that on top of the day to day pressure we all face.

No scolding, feeling insecure doesn't have to be rational, just calm down, support him and things will be fine, if you had a good relationship, there is no reason for that to change, unless you put him in a place where he feels he needs to make a choice, my advice is don't stand between him and his son... but you know that...

I remember my sister, when she discovered she was pregnant with number 2, saying 'how can I have enough love for them both?' the answer is, you just do. He just will too.

Have faith in him - sounds like you have a great guy... and have faith in you too.

Jen

Dear Jen,

Thank you for your reply. You wont believe this, I actually said a prayer before opening your reply and read (prayed that you guys be lenient to me).

Z has reassured me that he loves me still (very much, indeed) and that he couldn't leave without me. In fact, I can feel his love all the time. And he did not change one bit in the way he treats my son (it was only me being too sensitive). The problem lies in me I know. I feel insecure like how you rightly pointed out. I didnt want things to turn out this way. He has promised that the time for our outing won't be compromised.

Things got stable now but I'm quite sure I'll feel the same again the next time he sees the son. That's why I suggested that he brings me along and introduces me to the son the next trip... do you think it's a good idea?

I just wanted to know if I have been a monster having such uncalled for feelings. The feeling has been in me for the past few months and I didnt know who to turn to, fearing that people might misunderstand me and form an opinion that I'm a terrible person.

But one thing for sure, I wil never stand between Z and his son because I know how precious his son is to him (the quote "my son,my blood" says it all.. that alone makes me feel "unimportant"... AGAIN!!!)

Hi, welcome to the forum.

I may not be the best one to answer you, I have not experienced divorce, or stepchild situations, but I just wanted to reassure you, I'm sure you will get no harsh judgements here. The ladies and gents who post here, while very honest, are very understanding and open minded, and we all have our own issues that we hope others will understand.

What I do know is, emotions run very high when children are involved. I don't know why your husband isn't allowed to see his son, but I do know it must hurt him terribly, and he sounds like a very loving Dad.

I think you are being too hard on yourself here. Your feelings, whether they are right or wrong, are very real, and if you feel your needs aren't being met, then you are quite right to say so.

Is there any way your husband can go through the courts and legally get the right to see his son? I think this would help to lessen the strain on your family. The seems to be a hint of panic here, due to the fact that access is being denied, or at least made very difficult. Z is obviously devoting so much emotionally to seeing him now that it is affecting your relationship. If he had guaranteed access on a regular basis, he could let his feelings calm down and enjoy rebuilding the relationship with his son. Perhaps in the future both your sons could get to know each other too.

I wish I could help more, I wish you all the best

Love Liz x

He chooses to be with you.....

jen

You've just put a tear to my eyes, jen. Thank you for your support (and Liz, thanks for being understanding). At least I know that my "silly" feelings are considered normal but surely, I'll try to make things work better for us.

Thank you once again.