I admire what you are doing and know that it is a very tough job. I have watched a friend of mine handle a very similar situation, and I am in awe of her style: There is nothing you can do about the children's mother. She is their mother, and deserves the respect of her position. The children need to know that you support them, AND the mother. Build a home that is an anchor for them. Let them know that YOU love them no matter what, and you are there to support them. There is no more important job for you than to be the best mom you can be. When the kids come to your house, they shouldn't have to deal with the tension between the two households. Those kids are lucky to have you in their lives. Keep up the good work.

Just a thought, but maybe the mother has some minor mental issues which would explain so much, hence her bad behaviour.

If you look at her as someone who needs help but won't get it, maybe it will help your day to day life. Not much I can think of to help you with her negativity, but it's something that won't change, no matter what you do, needing to be "right" won't help you are doing what needs to be done, be secure and love them unconditionally!!

You are a model to us all!!

when the judge gave you 50/50 contact arrangements, I suspect his thoughts were you could work as a team rather than against each other. Else, as the main criteria for such desicions is the welfare of the child, he would have given one of you full time care and the other weekend contact. He must have seen something in you all that made him think you could work together.I can't imagine what.
You say she won't work with you, but are you working with her? Why would she work with you when you seem to be so judgemental of her? I think your as bad as each other and if one of you were to back down you may find some middle ground.
You say he's with you one week full time, the next part time as his carer, surely that means he's with you most making you the bigger influence on him? Yet you lay all the problems firmly at his mum's door?

Mum may well have some issues that need dealing with, however thats what you have to work with so no point fighting it, find some level you can co-operate on, even if it gets your goat to do so.

Your fighting between yourselves for brownie points, the kids are being effected, frankly my advise is get over it, stop the I'm right she's wrong routine and grow up.

Well Amy, obviouisly you are not in the picture so you can not see the effect and toll it's taken on the children and our family. When the kids tell the court mediator, the therapist AND us that they are being subjected the negativity, being told that thier own mother introduces them to people as having mental disabilities or sharing their personal story with strangers or that their stepfather refers to them as having mental issues, severely disabled, or even being called retarded. This was written in the mediators recommendation and is why the judge awarded us 50/50. It was to alleviate the situation for them at home with their mother and stepfather. The other reason why we all share 50/50 is that with Autistic children they need stability and consistency and we were the ones who knew that taking our stepson away from his mother full time would be devastating to him.

I'm not sure what you meant by "You say he's with you one week full time, the next part time as his carer, surely that means he's with you most making you the bigger influence on him? Yet you lay all the problems firmly at his mum's door?". Honestly, this was confusing. I'm not sure if you are referring to my husband and if so what you meant to gain by stating this. Again there are 2 children involved who we have on a week on/week off basis and who I do daycare for during mother's custodial week. I quit my job after 15 years to be a stay at home mom and assist with the children so my husband is now the main provider for our family.


Again, let me reiterate that we have tried to work with the mother. We even suggested co-parenting classes that she refuses to participate in and makes excuses. My husband and I have done EVERYTHING we can, even giving her the benefit of the doubt that she will come around, and nothing helps. When you have her telling you, (like she just told me a few weeks ago)that it is difficult to have her see me with her ex-husband. Does that not give you an indication that she still has some feeling for him even after 11 years of being divorced? This could be the reason that she is taking things out on us and the kids. I am not the experct so I can not say for sure. I do agree with you that the kids need for everyone to work together, but that is not possible, through no fault of our own, as the ex and her new husband do not want to and have already admitted to that.

I was merely asking for advice as I am in a situation that is now become greater than anything I have experienced. If anything, it has brought my husband, the kids and I closer because we need to remain positive for their sake. We agree that mom may have some issues but that is something she will need to come to terms with. We at this point are reaching out to families who have gone through what we have and can share some advice.

Gaby, Stay positive and keep up the good work. She sounds like she is a mental case and needs lots of help. She does not realize the only people she is hurting is her children. I think she still loves her ex-husband and would do anything to get him back, she needs to wake up and smell the roses and realize it is time to move on. Again, she is only hurting her children!!

I had all this with my ex.....slagging me off in front of the children,writing nasty letters to the children about me.It even got to the point that he upset my eldest when asking about my private life,that my son asked not to see his father.He would change times of picking the children up and dropping them off so that it interfered with my life.I ended up having to call on the assistance of a solicitor.After he found out that I was seeing someone things got worse and always with the children being caught up in the middle of it.He does not have contact apart from written now as he could not comply,been committed to a term in prison and spent two years harassing us.....our tight knit family unit.

At the end of the day she is not happy and wants to destroy other people's happiness.It is such a shame that these sorts do not consider the children in all this though.If the children are becoming more upset and unhappy I would consider getting a solicitor involved and contacting a social worker.It is not in the best interests of the children to be continually bombarded with this kind of behaviour and the psychological effects are far reaching.My eldest son has to see a counsellor as a result of his father's behaviour.