Hello
As English is not really my mother tongue I am already now saying sorry if this writing is not quite perfect. But I want to check some advices in an English spoken forum since the advices are more accurate and useful there.

My situation is, that I'm married with my wife from Japan for seven years now and we've got a son of two and half years of age. Because my wife is living far away from her home country and not having any relatives in Switzerland where we live, she is quite often travelling home to Japan, for sure together with our son. Mostly for a two month's period. Usually I join them for about 2 weeks in between for vacation.

Especially based on these circumstances, my son has a much better relation to my wife than to me. It even occurs that he is rejecting me when I am with him. Based on Japanese culture, our son is sleeping together with my wife. Since I am working shifts, I cannot really sleep with our son together in the same room. Also usually if mama leaves to somewhere he starts to cry and he is looking for her. I couldn't make it for instance to put him to bed on my own so far, he hardly protested. Or only once or twice I could make it after we had trained it together for a quite long time. Actually my wife slowly also wants to change the circumstance, that our son will learn to sleep by himself, in his bed, in his room. First maybe my wife will stay with him till he got asleep, then she will leave the room.

Now they were in Japan again for 2 months, returning coming Tuesday, the 24th of October.

My writing so far might sound like I don't really want to take care of our child, but for sure I do !! It hurts me when my son is rejecting me as his father sometimes. My advantage is that I work shifts and I can see my son at different day times and maybe more often than other fathers in week days.

But fact is, after they come back, we will have to assimilate again. Frankly I am quite afraid of that and feeling insecure. For sure I want to get by with my son, I want to achieve that he is respecting and loving me as his father and also that we can get closer again. For sure I know that mother is number one usually for toddlers, this is also okay, but I also would like to be part of it.

Does someone maybe have a hint, first of all to become closer to my son again and then also maybe how I can put him to bed, make him asleep at once.

It is clear that this cannot happen within a day or a week or even a month. But maybe after some months the situation should gradually improve. But would need your help for some advices.

Many thanks already in advance. Greetings from Switzerland. Rafael

Hi Rafael,

Wow, what a hard situation for you. I must say, you actually sound like a very loving father, this comes across very strongly from the way you write.

The problem is that your wife is so far from her relatives, but, I am a big believer that when you marry someone they are your family and should be number one. Does your wife need to stay for so long? 2 months is a very long time for a 2 year old, and like you are seeing, you are having to make friends all over again every time.

I'm sure your son will respect and love you as his father, think about all those fathers who don't live with their children, but still have good relationships with them.

Play with him, draw pictures, read stories, roll cars...all these things will build your relationship. Maybe you could do something alone with him that is "just for the two of you", quality father and son time. At bedtime, cuddles and a story, and maybe a favourite cuddly toy, are all helpful to settle a child. Try not to play with him before bedtime, make it a quiet peaceful time. I let my boys choose one story, and then have a cuddle, but not for a very long time, because i want them to learn to fall asleep on their own.

All the best to you

Liz x

I was thinking the same as Liz really, it does sound like your wife spends far too much time away from home, she needs to build up a life where you live really. Its not really right for her to keep going off with your son like that. Also it sounds like you never get any time alone with your son, you need to be left to work things out for yourself and not just follow your wifes instructions. Some good quality time with your son so you get a chance to bond with him, maybe your wife could go out and build up a social life while you stay at home with him and get to know each other again.
You sound like a very loving dad, just short on opportunities to put it into practice.
My son only see's his dad twice a month as we don't live together, he does love him but its not the same, they hardly know each other. Try to get her to see you need to be included more in family life, encourage her to find local friends and not go running home so often or for so long.

You sound like a loving dad to me too. Don't worry. Children go through phases of prefering one partner to another. My son went through a phase a little while ago of not wanting to be with his dad. It was tough for him but just being a dad brought him around.
Just keep being the loving father you are. He will know who his dad is and as time goes on will grow out of the mummy phase.
Kids like routine and if this is changing he will cling to what he knows....mummy.
Try not to show your hurt and just be the best dad you can be.
hope it works out,
nicki