I have a unique situation.. I had a child (daughter) as the result of a one night stand back in 1994 and claimed responsibility for it and paid child support,
I never really tried to be a part of her life until 1997 when she was nearly three. The mother didnt want me there so she packed up and left the state ( I say kidnapped because she was under court order not to leave) as I had visitation rights..
ok so years go by the friend of the court refuses to give me her address as it is confidential. I hire a private I,and still no luck.. Mom must not work because her SS# isnt even traceable...
well on Nov 11th of 2004 I was at my desk at work when I got a call from the department of family services in Florida... a lady simply said that your daughter is with her grandmother. they gave me her address.. they also said that the mother was in prison! and that there was a dependancy hearing to determine where she should go,
I immediately get on a plane go to florida ( as I am from MI) rent a car and drive to grandmas house to see her..
grandma recognises me and invites me in. she introduces my daughter to me and we spend the next few hours talking and getting to be friends.
I even took her out to dinner.
grandma explained the situation and that my daughter would be staying with her.. to make matters worse.. her grandfather in law... grandmas husband died in the house a week earlier. and her mom was hauled off to prison a week before that.
so anyway I return home after getting all thier contact info and saying goodbye.
Now the real hard decisions start. Do I file for custody? she dosent know me?
I am a stranger to her.
I asked several people and friends, family, and churches, even a psychologist..
everyone said the same thing...
she had no right to take her from you and YOU are her father...
If one parent cant take care of heritsthe other parents responsibility..
well I file for custody in MI and get it. I call grandma and tell her.. she immediately tries to have a restraining order put on me to keep me away. ( judge threw it out) so I go to FL to pick her up... grandma wont let it happen,.. by any means...keep in mind that I am not trying to be mean to grandma at all I am grateful because i found out that she has raised my daughter for the last 10 years not her mother.
so grandma wont give her up. the police in Fl laugh at my michigan court order. So I hire a lawyer down there and start living in a hotel.. well after about 15 court hearings and a dozen plane trips to FL. the judge in fl releases jurisdiction to MI and honer my custody..
OK still with me..?
now I approach grandma and say can we please make this a positive transition for her? I dont want to get the authorities involved?
well grandma tells me EXACTLY what she thinks about me and stas I will have to remove her from her care by force...
I dont know what to do I am calling everyone I know for advice money isnt just running low I am borrowing to pay for lawyers and travel expenses..
so I go to the police and they escort me to her school we pick her up. we go to grandmas and get her things.. all the time watching this little girl and her grandma cry rivers..
we get home and it was a very hard adjustment... in fact it is almost exactly a year later and she still hates me..
she loves my girlfriend that has been there since day 1
she is an honer roll student and student of the month this month.
I found out thru this whole proccess that mom and randma both have large criminal records..
they both collect SSI for mental disorders
and that grandpas death was due to a painkiller overdose..
still there?....just think this is the very short version...should I write a book?
ok so now a year later mom is out of prison.. wants her kid back.. judge here says no way .. gives her supervised visits with a court monitor in a public place.
grandma shows up at my door while im at work and my girlfriend is home with my 10 year old and her 3 year old..
breaks in the door and tries to take my daughter..
the police we called and they removed her from my property.
I take the following day off work for emational support for my girlfrind..
grandma shows up again at 8am
tries to kick in the door.. the police are called and they come and remove her again.
the whole time my daughter is yelling and screaming that she hates us and wants to go with her grandma..
so now I have no choice I go and file for a restraining order ( and get it)
now she has to stay away from me and my doughter
ready for a twist..??
somewhere in all this my ex wife to whom I have 3 children and have been divorced for 2 years befriends the mom and the grandma..
how or why I will never know!!
so now when I have my other 3 kids every other weekend . I have to try and explain to my daughter why her brothers and sister can see her grandma and mom but she cant?
and now she hates me. well not all the time but most.
she hates me for taking her from her grandma.. not her mom cuz there was never a bond there for her.
we have fun play games, do her homework and have a normal life
but she keeps writing in her journal that she hates me and wants to leave.
I think I give her more that the average kid.
I am extremely patient to her needs.
but she still rejects me quite often.
so anyway on to the advice im looking for...
did I do the right thing?(s)
why is she lashing out to me when I have given up so much just to have her in my life?
now that mom is out of prison and visiting her. ( and seems to be ok) should I throw in the towel and say go home to your mom and grandma.. cuz thats where she wants to be?
I believe I am doing what I think is best for her.
I just have a lot of doubt now a year later if I am making a difference in her life.
she still sees the stranger that came to her school with the cops and took her away.
and how do I continue to show unconditional love and patience to a child when I know she secretly hates me?
please keep in mind that this is very abbreviated and for the whole story you'll have to wait for the book
but I need some advice...
I am a 28 year old single father
and I just dont know what to do
Thanks

FIRST OFF you did the right thing..it's the only thing a loving parent could have done. At age 10 everythingn is hard. It's a rough age and all this is just added on top but it's not yor fault. During her 10 years at gramas don't you think she asked about you? Who knows what her grama told her though. Maybe if you just sat down with her and explained what happened (which imsure you already have) BUT tell her that you love her and you did this because of that love..Ask her what she hinks you can do to help her with all this..Just keep reassuring her of your love. That's about all you can do. DO NOT send her back to gramas but maybe ifyou talk to grama you CAN work out where she can come over and see her..If you guys can agree on something maybe suprise your daughter with this. She will appreciate it and ONLY do this is you and grama TRUELY come to an agreement on her comming to see her at YOUR house and then she leaves at the end of the visist without your daughter.

Man....sounds like you've been under alot of stress. It appears your heart is definitly in the right place!!

Your little gurl is going through a ruff time and my only suggestion is for you and her to go see a counsellor.

IMO I think you have done the right thing. If you tell your little gurly how much you love her...and she sees it in your actions...one day she will come around.

I agree. You did the right thing. Your daughter will come around. She is too young to understand right now. It doesn't sound like her grandmother or mother are mentally capable of looking after her and giving her what she needs. She loves her grandmother but her grandmother is crazy. You don't go to someones house and try to kick in the door. She needs to seek professional help - and the mother too.

thanks for the comments....

in this world gone nutts I though I was the only sane one left...

LOL No not yet! I'm still sane! Atleast I think so LOL

I am glad more fathers are stepping up and taking the role of mother and father. I am a mother of three boys and my husband is a lot like you. Our oldest son(technically my step son) was in a bad situation with his biological mother and my husband stepped in and took him. I have raised him as my own. He is just like my son the only thing missing is I didn't give birth to him. I have helped him through everything in his life and now he knows he is in a good place with me and his father. He knows know he will have a chance in life to be something more, something his mother could not offer. He is now in a very stable and safe environment just like your daughter is. But it did take time. At2 and 3 years old he was in counseling.
10 is a difficult age for a girl anyways. Everything about her and her body are starting to change and that and everything else in her life are probably scaring her. Try and have your girlfriend get a close connection with her so she can have someone to talk to. You and your daughter should see a councilor. Get a neutral ground for you both. She will get over it. Things like this take time. When she is older she will see how much you have done for her and she will see how much you really love her. Just give it time. Don't give up! Children are a blessing and should bot be thrown away. Everything will work its self out. God brought you back into your daughters life for a reason. Good Luck.