I have two children:a girl of 11 and boy of 8. They are both loving, intelligent and highly creative but very emotional and have been hard hard work to raise in various ways.

My son has always been prone to anger and tears as was I when I was his age. By and large, I can understand some of his frustrations and angers - however I am finding his behaviour harder and harder to deal with and just at this moment I feel at the end of my rope.

At school he is popular, a high achiever and very polite and well-behaved, but at home he is the opposite. Firstly, he is exceedingly unpleasant to his sister: criticising her for humming, the way she eats, calling her names and hitting her when she disagrees with him. She never stands up for herself and I end up having to pick him up every time he does it. This has reduced a little with a concerted campaign on my part, but it is exhausting.

Quite apart from that it's the way he speaks to myself and my husband - i.e. if we ask him to do anything/or if something has not turned out the way he likes/if we say he can't go onto the computer/watch tv he shrieks and shouts, rolls around on the floor, complains that we are horrible to him, argues back etc. etc. Though we always make sure that he does not succeed with this behaviour: we use humour, kindness, firmness, positive challenge techniques, consequences etc. I find it exhausting.

I'm not sure how it has got to this, but he appears to be unable recognise/acknowledge that he is behaving/speaking in an unacceptable way. He seems to justify his behaviour by blaming it on us (you hate me/you're being horrible/his sister was being annoying). I give him options/alternatives/ways he can express his annoyance in a different way, but he just can't do it.

I've tried behaviour charts which work for a while, but naturally run out of relevance. I try to provide a good example, always say please, ask for things in a pleasant way and apologise if I've overreacted. I refuse to listen to his demands unless he talks to me in a normal/even vaguely pleasant voice but it is an uphill struggle and I am very very tired and I think he's tired of it too.

I've tried to work out what is behind it - he may be jealous of his sister because she doesn't get told off so much but I think he just needs to let off steam with someone. Controlling himself at school as emotional as he is, must be an effort, but it's still unacceptable to behave the way he does at home. There is an attention issue - he demands a lot of attention, very loudly and I'm certain some of the bad behaviour is attention seeking.

I could rattle on about the strategies I've tried, but at the moment he's really getting to me and the rest of the family and we need some kind of plan.

Hi, its always difficult to see the wider picture when you are so close to the problem but from what you have said your son is indeed seeking attention. Listen to what he is saying to you "you hate me, you're being horrible" etc and you probably are (without realising it) I'm afraid to say.

Firstly try get off his case, don't put him in a situation you know will inflame him, then while you are concentrating on this look at how loving, clever, creative he is and start focussing on this aspect of his character instead, give him loads of praise as much as you can, whenever you can. If he is sitting quietly tell him how proud you are of him, if he is behaving well tell him. You need to take the focus away from his bad behaviour and turn it round on its head. Do this and within a matter of days you will see the lovely little boy he once was return.

Obviously he will try to provoke a reaction to certain incidents so you perhaps need to have your daughter and the rest of the family on side.

I hope this helps you, I understand how tiring it must be for you ALL (including your son) just try to focus on the good behaviour and not the bad then he will be getting the attention he wants and deserves. Try to also give him some of your time to play with him, take him to the park for football, or to the bowling alley etc. share in his life and learn about what interests him. This way you will be showing him how much you care. Very good luck.

Hi Angela

I totally agree with what you are saying but feel I need to put down the fuller picture. When he has been lovely I do praise him, I take care to point out the good things he does, I play football, cricket, catch etc. etc with him. I do honestly try hard, but I have another child and I have a life and tasks to do myself. I make sure I get most of my work done before they get home from school so I can help with homework etc. Obviously, I cannot dedicate every waking moment to him, that's totally unreasonable, he needs to learn how to entertain himself sometimes, so I make it clear that if I am busy for a while and will be available to do stuff later if necessary.

It's true, sometimes I am 'horrible' to him, but I never start out that way and it takes quite a lot to get me there - his version of horrible is if I ask him to do something. I am very very aware that the way you ask things is important, so I always ask him things pleasantly - the very slightest (and I mean slightest) edge of annoyance is interpreted as being 'horrible'. I am actually a patient and forgiving person and my mother plus others think I am too patient and forgiving and that's why he is how he is!

I realise it's hard to comment when you don't know the situation and I realise I am not totally blameless: I can be distracted sometimes so not paying full attention/I can be stressed and a bit snappy at times: but surely children need to learn that other people have needs, bad days, worries and problems too? I do make sure that I apologise or at least explain why I was like that.

Also, sometimes anything can inflame him - another example: he can't decide on what to wear asks me to suggest something and when I make a suggestion he shreiks and throws a wobbler: I give him a time limit to decide - but again, we are all exhausted.

Another example: he disagrees with a fact my daughter has come out with, but he is incorrect. If I say actually she was correct he will argue with me and her saying we are both wrong, throw another tantrum, say we're being horrid and hits my daughter.

I have read enough parenting guides in my lifetime to know that such behaviour has to be dealt with and that there are consequences.

I have tried sitting down with him and talking about it. Understandably he doesn't really know why he does all this, except that he's annoyed/cross. He knows it is not acceptable to behave like that (after all he behaves well at school).

Other mums at his school with boys the same age think there may be a hormonal thing going on, but as my son has always been emotional, I feel that what I need is some way to help him deal with his emotions that doesn't impact so heavily on the rest of us - any ideas??

Im no expert but i do have a suggestion for you. Have you tried giving him a diary? just a book that he can keep private and use to write down all of his feelings. When he starts to get angry you could tell him to go and write down what has made him angry and by the time he has done that he may have calmed down enough for you to talk to him about why he feels like he has to hit out at other peolple. If you try it let me know if it works because my son is 3 and cant write but i will be getting him his own diary when he is old enough!.

I'm sorry Miranda I hope I did not come across as being high handed.

Perhaps from what you have said your son needs to find a new way to deal with his temper, have you spoken to the school about how he is at home? They may be able to help support you or direct you to a counsellor. I wish you the very best of luck.

Thanks Angela

No, I didn't think you high handed! I do mention that he is difficult at home, but his teachers can't believe it as he is so very well behaved at school!
Thanks for your advice Claire, I might try that (though I can see him moaning about having to do some writing).

I have had just him this afternoon as his sister is with a friend and he has been quite delightful...but then again I have given him my whole attention. So maybe there is a lot to be said there as well.

Miranda

Hi, I was an au pair for a few years and one of the children (who was a girl of about 7 or 8 at the time) had horrible tantrums all the time...especially during home work time. It would take us 2-3 hours to calm her down enough to read her book. She would scream, throw herself on the floor, cry, spit, name it, she did it. After numerous tactics failed we decided that we'd video tape her. She had no idea that we were recording her as we tried to get her to read her book. After the huge ordeal was over and she read it (took all of 5 minutes and she was a great reader) we showed her the tape. She was mortified and begged us not to show anyone. Reading after that was quite enjoyable!

Might be something you would like to try...video tape him when he's good and then again when he's bad. Then show him the difference in his behaviour so he can see it for himself? Just a thought. Good luck!

I know a boy who is the same way sometimes. but like you said when you give them individual attention he is great. It sounds like that is the key, give him some more individual attention. Many kids who have other siblings need their parents attention all to them selves without sharing all the time. I would make sure and set aside a minimum number of hours per week where each child spends individual time with each parent. I would plan it ahead of time to make sure it happens cause again like you said life has other tasks that have to be done to survive, so if you plan certain days and times to spend only with him he will see that your not horrible and you dont hate him. Make sure to point out how great he is at school and give him alot of praise for it. He will love that and hopefully strive to get that great positive attention and get in the habbit of behaving that way at home too. It sounds like you dont have that problem with your daughter and so one more thing that is very important is to make sure when you are all caught up with your son, dont forget to acknowledge how great your daughter is doing and give her individual time too so she doesnt lack attention. It sounds like you work as hard as you can to solve the problem and that's great, it shows you really care.