My daughter did about the same thing. It wasn't until I told her we would put "baby diapers" (regular tab type pampers) on her that she straightened out almost overnight. I had to fight for a half hour one night to try to put that diaper on her, but we never again needed to even mention it. She also was 3.
Well, we've put him back in baby diapers and he he's just fine with it. Though he sometimes does try to rationalize and say "Big boys wear diapers, babies wear underwear", it doesn't seem to faze him that he's in "baby diapers."
We're thinking we should say "Since you're in baby diapers, you can't do ____, because that's only for big boys." but we can't think of what that thing should be. Plus, is that considered punishing him (something I was told should never be associated with toilet training)?
It's a s**t fight and no mistake. As your wife is not sparing your son any of her irritation, your son is not sparing you guys any of his! In other words, this is a power struggle. And to the extent your wife is irritated and acting that out, it is only a reflection of how frustrated you are, but control your desire to 'react'. My intuition is that this is all about repressed anger in your family - how was it for you at 3.5? We all have it and to the extent the parents control it, the children act it out.
As a metaphor, the whole picture reveals the nature of the relationship with unwanted feelings - in the sense that poo is waste products, unsightly. Our egos do not feel good with waste products - physical - or emotional waste products eg anger, selfishness, neediness and so on. So your son is simply making sure everyone knows he;s not happy and there is 'not happy' feelings going on in the family.
SO WHAT CAN YOU DO?
Theory is great but we need practical and there are lots of avenues of solution here. I would assume it is a power struggle, a fight. The way to collapse any power struggle is to stop fighting back. Acceptance means you and your wife getting through the embarrassment of him being 'behind' the rest of them in class. You may not like it, but if you both accept it as his particular development path, I am sure he will start to make his own mind up without pressure. If you are treating him like a little adult because of his language facility etc, this is a mistake. He wants to be a three and a half year old believe me. He is protesting against the labelling of being 'grown up', he isn't. Many of us parents push their children through their dependent years because they are wounded themselves in this way.
I am expert in this stuff and you can get free reports all about parenting principles by emailing me at david@childproblem.co.uk or web site of same name- see what you think.
Remember: how many middle aged people do you see behaving like five year olds? He's not exactly way behind is he, when you think of it this way - give him a break I feel. Gifted is one thing, precocious is another, stick with gifted and drop the precocious because it has undertones maybe.
Nice to talk with you
David Peet
The very worst thing you can do as his parents is make any kind of big deal about this in any way shape or form, by putting him back in diapers is sending him mixed messages, you are telling him that pooping is for babies and then putting him in a nappy. put him back into pants and ignore, "yes ignore altogether" when he poops in his pantys. he will soon see it does not phase you at all. do not even talk to him as you change them, that way he gets no reinforcement whatsoever be it either positive or negative, but be vigilant, yes you may have to wash pants all the time (you could buy cheap ones that you can throw away when he soils them) don't give up and try to tell your wife not to freak out at him for it, its negative reinforcement! "ignore ignore" and don't talk about poop! talk to him about anything at all afterwards "when you've changed him" (calmly) its all about praise the wanted behaviour and ignore the unwanted, i think it will work, good luck!
I thank you all for your words. I am going to read up and think more on this. But the catch to your suggestion, Debs, is that I am not home during the day with him, my wife is. I tend to be more easygoing on this, and telling someone to take it easy usually has the opposite effect, you know.
