Obviously, you are not poisoning your son against his father; I imagine he has managed that all by himself. It is natural for your son to be very angry and resentful to his father and you are just going to have to let him get through this in the best way he can and just like you say by ensuring that he knows he can always talk to you about anything.
Maybe you should just tell your husband that your son is very hurt by the events of recent and that he does not feel he can speak to him yet. Stress that it is his decision and not yours and that you are actively encouraging him to talk to his father, but that things are still very fresh in your son's mind and he is not ready. I would also point out to your husband that the best way is to wait until your son is ready to approach him, as if he pushes him too early he will only alienate him more.
Effectively, your son has lost all his trust in his father and that is going to take a long time to rebuild and there will be an awful lot of bridges to build if they are ever going to have a good relationship again.
It will come, it just takes time.In the meanwhile, if your husband does say anything to your son about taking sides or you 'poisoning' him against him (very common route of trying to blame others for what they have done), then your son is going to automatically want to protect you and so will probably let rip at your husband.
In some ways, this would be good as it lets your son vent all the pent up frustrations and questions that he has, but at the moment it is not a route that would do anyone any favours.
Just be stong for him and really ensure that your door is always open, no matter what. Hopefully if he has a good circle of friends, he may confide in them as teenagers normally do discuss most things with their friends.
I knwo you're worrying about the fact that your son is not wanting to see his father, but I imagine that your son is still very angry with his father and if you push him too early it could just become too stressful for your son. I really would not worry too much about trying to get your son to see his father. He will do it when he feels ready and if your husband is a good father, then surely he must realise that he needs to give his son time to take in things and not be pushed into something that he is not comfortable with at this particular time.
Please make sure though that you have someone you can confide in, as it sounds like you need someone too.
I know things look pretty bleak at the moment, but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel - sometimes it just takes while to find it.
Re: Re: separation difficulties for 13 year old son
Thanks again for your comments,I will take them all on board! My son is having difficulty with confiding in his friends about the split as,amongst other things, it involves his fathers long term (until 3 weeks ago unknown to me) use of internet porn. As you can guess along with the tremendous anger, he feels totally ashamed of his father and cant share this with any of his friends for obvious reasons.I do appreciate that I need a shoulder to cry on too and luckily I have very understanding,supportive friends who have carried me through the last weeks and no doubt will continue to do so for some considerable time to come.Sadly, a meeting I had with my husband last friday turned violent and the police became involved (my son wasnt there at the time thank God).So things seem to be deteriorating further at the moment.One good thing though,my son says the house is more relaxed and fun since Dad went!
God you really are both going through it. I can certainly understand about your son not wanting to confide in his friends, as like you say he is going to feel ashamed and I suppose probably worried in case it gets out as well. As long as your son knows it was nothing to do with him and that he can always talk to you, it's really a case of taking things slowly one day at a time.
I bet you are glad that your son was not in when your husband came round the other night, what a nightmare that must have been. I hope you are okay. Next time your husband suggests a meeting, I would really ensure that you have it in a public place with someone else there with you, as you need to make sure you are safe.
He really is doing himself no favours with regards to salvaging his relationship with your son though, so I would just keep looking after yourself and your son.
Your son will do what he thinks is right, when he feels the time is right.
My thoughts and prayers are with you both; I can't even begin to imagine what things must be like for both of you. Keep strong.
