3 weeks is still a very short time and for something that has obviously come so out of the blue to both yourself and your son, it is not going to be something that your son accepts or can deal with overnight.

Please, no matter what your feelings are, you must never bad mouth your husband to your son, but at the same time you have to respect your sons wishes. It must be such a huge mix of emotions for him (anger, betrayal, shock, etc).

Obviously with your son around when the events happened, he is probably tearing himself apart inside because he knows you are also trying to deal with the sudden separation as well.

13 is a really difficult age in that he is becoming an adult and you cannot force him to maintain contact with his father, but only encourage him where you see fit.

If you find that he really is adamant that he does not want to have contact, then just back off for a while and let him do what he wants with regards to his father and just reassure him that you are always there for him no matter what.

In the meanwhile if you are speaking to your husband then explain openly and honestly how your son is feeling about things and that he needs to give him time and space - maybe he could write an 'open' letter to him to try and explain things.

Mainly though your son needs to know that you love him and are there for him whatever he feels at the moment about his father.

I did not see my father from when I was young until I was 21 because both my mother and my maternal grandparents effectively barred him from coming anywhere near me after they divorced. I traced him myself when I was 20, but unfortunately he was very ill and I only had a year with him before he passed away. I know things are not always as they seem and every relationship is different.If you at least know that you have tried to encourage your son to maintain his bond with his father then there is not much else you can do.

He may just need space to get his feelings and emotions together. Ensure that he knows he can always talk to you about anything and that you are not going to force him to see his father.

At the end of the day I would imagine your son is still in shock (as well as yourself) and he is desparately trying to deal with everything and be strong in front of you, as he knows you are hurting as well. Just be there for him and be guided by what he says and does.

I hope everything goes okay and I know you must be struggling too, so make sure that you have people you can talk to and who can be there for you as well, as you need to be strong for both yourself and your son.

thank you so much for your lovely reply.Both of us you point out are very traumatised by all this and I am very aware of what I say about my husband in my sons earshot.I acknowledge that his relationship with him is very different to mine and I am determined that their relationship will be restored at some point, if that is what my son wants.Yes,three weeks isnt long but I feel so for my son and want him to feel better and maybe in that I am being over anxious about the separation between them at the moment.My husband has written to him at my suggestion, but it didnt seem to do much good and now he is accusing me of poisonong my son against him & actively preventing them being reunited, which couldnt be further from the truth.Your comments are so true I am amazed at their accuracy,he IS putting on a brave face & I know he is desperately worried about me because I am also in poor health at the moment.He is a fine boy and we are very close and I would hope he will confide all his feelings no matter what.I hope & pray that the strength we have found so far will continue and we will see light at the end of what at the moment seems a very long tunnel. Thanks again for your reassurance & help.

I am glad my comments were of some help to you.

Obviously, you are not poisoning your son against his father; I imagine he has managed that all by himself. It is natural for your son to be very angry and resentful to his father and you are just going to have to let him get through this in the best way he can and just like you say by ensuring that he knows he can always talk to you about anything.

Maybe you should just tell your husband that your son is very hurt by the events of recent and that he does not feel he can speak to him yet. Stress that it is his decision and not yours and that you are actively encouraging him to talk to his father, but that things are still very fresh in your son's mind and he is not ready. I would also point out to your husband that the best way is to wait until your son is ready to approach him, as if he pushes him too early he will only alienate him more.

Effectively, your son has lost all his trust in his father and that is going to take a long time to rebuild and there will be an awful lot of bridges to build if they are ever going to have a good relationship again.

It will come, it just takes time.In the meanwhile, if your husband does say anything to your son about taking sides or you 'poisoning' him against him (very common route of trying to blame others for what they have done), then your son is going to automatically want to protect you and so will probably let rip at your husband.

In some ways, this would be good as it lets your son vent all the pent up frustrations and questions that he has, but at the moment it is not a route that would do anyone any favours.

Just be stong for him and really ensure that your door is always open, no matter what. Hopefully if he has a good circle of friends, he may confide in them as teenagers normally do discuss most things with their friends.

I knwo you're worrying about the fact that your son is not wanting to see his father, but I imagine that your son is still very angry with his father and if you push him too early it could just become too stressful for your son. I really would not worry too much about trying to get your son to see his father. He will do it when he feels ready and if your husband is a good father, then surely he must realise that he needs to give his son time to take in things and not be pushed into something that he is not comfortable with at this particular time.

Please make sure though that you have someone you can confide in, as it sounds like you need someone too.

I know things look pretty bleak at the moment, but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel - sometimes it just takes while to find it.

Take care

Thanks again for your comments,I will take them all on board! My son is having difficulty with confiding in his friends about the split as,amongst other things, it involves his fathers long term (until 3 weeks ago unknown to me) use of internet porn. As you can guess along with the tremendous anger, he feels totally ashamed of his father and cant share this with any of his friends for obvious reasons.I do appreciate that I need a shoulder to cry on too and luckily I have very understanding,supportive friends who have carried me through the last weeks and no doubt will continue to do so for some considerable time to come.Sadly, a meeting I had with my husband last friday turned violent and the police became involved (my son wasnt there at the time thank God).So things seem to be deteriorating further at the moment.One good thing though,my son says the house is more relaxed and fun since Dad went!

Hi Jenny

God you really are both going through it. I can certainly understand about your son not wanting to confide in his friends, as like you say he is going to feel ashamed and I suppose probably worried in case it gets out as well. As long as your son knows it was nothing to do with him and that he can always talk to you, it's really a case of taking things slowly one day at a time.

I bet you are glad that your son was not in when your husband came round the other night, what a nightmare that must have been. I hope you are okay. Next time your husband suggests a meeting, I would really ensure that you have it in a public place with someone else there with you, as you need to make sure you are safe.

He really is doing himself no favours with regards to salvaging his relationship with your son though, so I would just keep looking after yourself and your son.

Your son will do what he thinks is right, when he feels the time is right.

My thoughts and prayers are with you both; I can't even begin to imagine what things must be like for both of you. Keep strong.