Last night I gave my 12 year old girl a spanking for the first time in her life. About 9 PM, I got a call from the local police, and they had arrested her for shoplifting. She had said she was going over to a friends house, then they would go to the libary. While today she is very well behaved, no backtalk, or any other problems, I wonder if I went to far...Any suggestions?

hell no you didnt go to far! She needs to learn you mean business!!! Sholifting is a crime, she should know that.

I don't think you went to far. If it were my daughter, I would have spanked her for 24 min (2 min for each year of age) with the hair brush. A child needs to know there are consequences for misbehavior.

I can understand how upset and angry you felt, but personally I think that talk and discussion are better ways of dealing with issues. Do you know why your daughter did this? Who was with her? What was their motivation? Most importantly, does she understand the consequences? You need to prevent this and other worse behaviour from happening in the future, and the only sure way of ensuring this is by helping her to make the decision not to shoplift. Spanking her will make her frightened of you finding out again, it won't make her frightened of the actual deed itself. She will just make sure you don't find out the next time. I bet you the humiliation of talking about it will be a worse punishment than spanking anyway.
When you hit a child as punishment you are teaching them that violence is a good way to react when somebody does something they don't like. Remember, parents are the biggest influence in a child's life and they are likely to learn from their actions, so you must always try to behave in the way you want your child to behave.
I hope you manage to sort this out. I bet your daughter will react well to wise guidance and love and support. Good luck. :)

I agree with Rabbit, yes you did go too far. She is 12 not 2 and can understand talk, I think hitting especially at that age is pyscologically damaging. Why is she shoplifting, get to the bottom of the problem is it about attention or is something else going on. Given she has been caught she probably won't do it again.

And WTF is the advice about hitting with hairbrushes. Hitting a child with any object is absolutely unacceptable and I think it crosses the line from discipline to abuse!!! Some of the replies are just beyond belief.

Hi, A couple more thoughts. You did say it was the first time you spanked her so you are not an abusive parent. You probably got her attention more than anything else. I lean to the side of talking and grounding as a consequence but every now and then you need to really get there attention. Out of four daughters, I remember about three swats to the rear and it did get their attention. Hope things go good from here, Dennis with parenting-magic.com

Dennis again, One more thing, I was spanked twice when I was growing up. Both times well deserved and both times it got my attention. Keep on being a good parent, Dennis

It seems to me that you are a good parent, have never spanker her before now, and it was for a good cause. What really worries me is some of the comments back to you. I wonder if "Rabbit" has ever raised a child, or is she just in-experienced. Based upon your description, not only did she shoplift, she lied about where she was going and why. She needs to take responsibility for her actions - not just have a "good reason" for doing something...."Rabbit" are you reading this????

But does spanking her effectively teach her to be responsible for her actions? or just that violence is the solution if someone does something wrong to her?

Well I certainly didn't say that B Grey was a bad parent, nor did I suggest that her daughter had a "good reason" for shoplifting. I just think that the advice to hit a child with an object is bad advice and not very constructive. It could also be considered as child abuse. FYI I have worked with children for the past 12 years, so yes, I do know what I'm talking about. I agree that she needs to take responsiblity for her actions - hitting her does not fulfil this need.

I won't reply to any further messages here. I don't think it's very useful to B Grey to get into an argument in her post. If you don't agree with me, then just ignore my advice.

Please don't leave the forum. I totally agree with your advice. I don't think B Grey is a bad parent either, I can understand how disappointed and angry he was with his daughter. I agree with you that discussion, grounding are more appropriate discipline tools than corporal punishment.

I totally support your position about hitting children with objects. In my humble opinion it is not acceptable and actually harmful to the child potentially abusive. You like me were only expressing an opinion about some of the advice contained in the other posts. This is what a forum is about. People can take or leave the advice.

Jill I think you were very rude to Rabbit but respect you are entitled to your opinion. However, I don't believe personal attacks are justified and will now bow out of this discussion.

To B Grey I hope things work out well for you and your daughter

Hi,

Our daughter is 15 and we normally ground her. One think my wife finds effective is making our daughter write an essay whilst she is grounded. Our daughter finds them really hard work and tends to behave for a while after.

i don't think you went to far...i get spanked by my daddy and i even though i hate when it happens i think that it teaches me in the long run. if i shoplifted i could be sure i would find my self over my daddy's knee for a spanking

You did not go too far. If you had started spanking 10 years ago, she probably wouldn't have been out shoplifting now. I had 3 children. Spanked all 3 when necessary. I never had behavioral problems with any of them.

My goodness you did NOT go too far. What a load of crap saying hitting them only teaches violence that is what is wrong wIth society today. Far too many do gooders. It was the first time you hit her for goodnes sake. As soon as as i saw those replies it made my bllod boil. Yes TALK if it works- totally agree. I don't belive in violence myself - hate it! But it was needed at this point I know my kids think "oh we'll talk and discuss and make the right noises then I can go and do what i like"!

no way, dont believe these darn do gooders saying a spanking is equal to child abuse,what a joke, children need to have boundries and I'm sure your daughter now knows that stealing is very wrong, what you did was take a serious stand for her future,i'm sure she wont be doing it again.
Donna