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Children love control and testing the parent’s boundaries. If a child does not have control they fight to get it. If a child does not have boundaries they feel insecure and fight to get boundaries. The fight over cloths is a common boundary seeking and control battle for kids. I personally agree with you that it does not matter if the child is color coordinated and has matching cloths. Clothing coordination seems to feed the parents ego more than the kids. Kid feed their ego just by having the opportunity to pick their cloths.
Here is a simple technique that I have seen work with many parents and their children. Say to your child “you are welcome to choose your cloths from what is available” (The word choice gives control to the child, the term what is available sets the boundaries). Have cloths available for the child to choose from. If the child protest. Simply state “what cloths are available?” Walk away and do not let the child draw you into a fight. Fights with adults give kids control and erode boundaries. If the child continues to fight and you have an appointment and need the child to be dresses. Pick the cloths for the child, put the cloths in a bag and leave with a child in what ever state of dress the child is in. For this technique to work the parent must stay calm and loving, say an empathetic statement to the child such as “ This is so sad maybe next time you will be ready to pick your cloths.” Do not say another word that might suck you into a control battle with your child. What will you do with this technique; first the empathy maintains the relationship with the child, second you gave the kid the choice of picking out his cloths or letting you do it. In other words you let the child have control. Third you set enforceable boundaries with the child by leaving with cloths you picked out in the bag. It is my experience that the child will have a fit, however if you stay calm and empathetic the child will internalize and learn from the experience provided no preaching, lecturing, reminders and warnings are delivered. Stickers, some timeouts, talking, shouting and smacking are external motivators and do little for helping children develop internal motivation. Quietly letting natural consequences do the teaching and remaining calm and loving let the child develop internal motivations. Good luck,
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Replying to:
Please help! My little boy who is 3.5 years old is causing me real problems in the mornings. It all started about 6 months ago when he refused to wear what I got out of the wardrobe for him. We had battles for most mornings with temper tantrums, etc. I then thought "hey, why am I causing myself so much stress in the morning. It's not so important what he wears - if it doesn't colour co-ordinate, so what?" I then let him choose his own clothes which worked wonderfully for a few weeks. Now, things are even worse. He now only wants to wear things that are either in the wash, ironing, etc. He is so irrational (obviously - he's only 3) but it's driving me mad. I've tried stickers, time-out, talking, shouting, (sometimes smacking which I am riddled with guilt about), even completely giving in. HELP!!! I know how we should go about it by being consistent, but I would love to know why he's doing this? Is he trying to tell me something, what am I doing wrong?
