Joe, that is some excellent advice that I am going to try on my 15-year-old grandson. I have been raising he and his brother since they were toddlers and am having a lot more problems with them than I did raising my 3 children. I am searching various Websites and forums this morning for advice in coping with teenagers and the 'No respect' headline in this one caught my eye.
My current problem with the 15-year-old is getting him out of bed and off to school in the morning. He is naturally NOT a morning person and hates getting up. Starting high school this year, he is supposed to catch the bus at 6:50AM, but more often than not doesn't get out of bed in time and I have to drive him to school. He sets an alarm, but either sleeps through it or turns it off and goes back to sleep. I always go down to his room and wake him. The days he doesn't want to get up, I can sometimes coax him out of bed, but lately(twice last week and again today) he just won't get up. I have tried just ignoring him then and letting him face the consequences, but then have to decide if I want to call the school and excuse his absence or let him have an unexcused(which means any work for that day is a '0' and eventually could result in more serious legal consequences for truancy).
I am trying to decide if I should offer him the option of having the extra hour of sleep and not riding the school bus, if he will get up without a hassle every day, or just keep emphasizing the positive aspects of getting up and going to school on time, or what!
I would be intereseted in hearing your opinion...
Thanks
Sue

Children especially teenagers are attempting to emancipate, and have some control in their life. They often manifest this quest in defiant and disrespectful ways. When a child sees that they can control adult’s emotions by disrespectful and defiant behavior they have discovered a way to take control, even if this discovery is subconscious. Teenagers also learn that if they can turn their problems and responsibilities into the problems and responsibilities of the parents they again gain control. The child also learns not to own their problems or solve their problems because they also have learned that someone else will take care of them. Sad as it is this is a major component of diminishing a self concept and self destructive behavior in kids.
I believe in kids owning there own problems. With that in mind I think it is the child’s responsibility to get up in the morning. First I would talk to the child and apologize for medaling in his life and that you know he is old enough to manage his own time and schooling and that he can expect you to not lecture preach and remind him to do things that he is able to manage on his own. This could be vary empowering to him if the discussion is done in a loving nonconfrontational way. I suggest having such a conversation when there are no conflicts and you both are in a good mood. Second, I would ask the child in a nonthreatening way how he would solve the problem of sleeping through his alarm clock. He should own the problem not you. Let him come up with some ideas that he could try. In the spirit of the child owning the problem of getting up on time, no longer wake him. If the child knows that you are worried about him waking up and not getting to school on time he becomes dependent on you rescuing him. He figures if an adult is worried and will do something about it then why should I worry. Plus, since you empowered him with this responsibility he will feel you are not genuine and do not trust him. Whether you do or not let him think you do. Third, his education and responsibility for his education is his problem, you already went to school, it is his turn now. He knows that the bus leaves at 6: 50AM. Being on the bus is his responsibility and getting to school is his responsibility as well. The only way you should drive him to school is if he pays your fuel cost and for your time ( share that with him). Otherwise he needs to reap the consequence of being late or not getting to school at all. I need to say that a child will not learn from the natural consequences of their actions if the parent displays anger and frustration, further more the parent should not give reminders, lectures and preach ( “I told you so” etc.) is solely up to the child. If and when the child messes up, be empathetic and not angry and empower the child with a statement such as “what are you going to do now”. Be loving and kind with your voice this reduces the chance the child become confrontational. If the child is confrontational, state “I am sure you can solve your problem” and walk away without saying another word. I also suggest not calling the school and excusing the child because he really does not have an excuse. You should call the school and tell the school what happened but not to excuse the child. The child should then find ways to make up the work, suffer the “0”s, or experience the legal consequences. Tell the child you will love him no matter how long it takes him to get through high school. In the spirit of taking care of yourself let him decide how to manage his time.
Good luck and let me know how it works.

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Replying to:

Joe, that is some excellent advice that I am going to try on my 15-year-old grandson. I have been raising he and his brother since they were toddlers and am having a lot more problems with them than I did raising my 3 children. I am searching various Websites and forums this morning for advice in coping with teenagers and the 'No respect' headline in this one caught my eye.
My current problem with the 15-year-old is getting him out of bed and off to school in the morning. He is naturally NOT a morning person and hates getting up. Starting high school this year, he is supposed to catch the bus at 6:50AM, but more often than not doesn't get out of bed in time and I have to drive him to school. He sets an alarm, but either sleeps through it or turns it off and goes back to sleep. I always go down to his room and wake him. The days he doesn't want to get up, I can sometimes coax him out of bed, but lately(twice last week and again today) he just won't get up. I have tried just ignoring him then and letting him face the consequences, but then have to decide if I want to call the school and excuse his absence or let him have an unexcused(which means any work for that day is a '0' and eventually could result in more serious legal consequences for truancy).
I am trying to decide if I should offer him the option of having the extra hour of sleep and not riding the school bus, if he will get up without a hassle every day, or just keep emphasizing the positive aspects of getting up and going to school on time, or what!
I would be intereseted in hearing your opinion...
Thanks
Sue