Hello,

I am a single mother of 6 years. I have two kids my boy is 15 and my girl is 10. My problem is that, my kids have no respect for me what so ever. They tell me that they love me but, I think it only so that I will do something for them. They wont help around the house and I can't even get my son to help me mow the yard or anything. I am tired all the time because I work a swing shift job which poses another problem. I am never at home and when I am I am asleep so that I can get ready to go to work. I ask them all the time to help me around the house so that it isn't so messy all the time. They say that they will but they never do. At times it is so bad that your can't walk....literally. I have one week off a month and on this week I clean everything from top to bottom but, the day that I go back to work they destroy everything that I have done in one day. I am to the point that I say F**K it! Why should I do anything when you wont help me keep it. I have been trying to get my daughter to clean her room for five (5) months now!! I have had to move a dresser into my room for her and her clothes into my closet because I can't even get to hers.

The other day I was going to a function and I wanted to get my hair done. On the way to that my daughter started in on me that she was hungry. She had just eaten some donuts not 20 minutes earlier. Well I went to Sonic to get her something to eat and she flopped back in the seat of the car and told me that she couldn't see the menu. The way that I work we eat out most every meal so I know that she knew what was on the menu. Anyway, I asked her what she wanted to eat and she wouldn't answer me. I told her that she had two minutes to tell me what she wanted or I was leaving for my appoitment. She told me that I was an "ungreatful mother." I put the car in reverse and I left. When I got to where I was going I pulled into a parking space and we were still arguing about her not eating. I told her that we were going to go into the beauty shop and I didn't want her to make a scene. She then told me that "I killed my daughter" and that "I was a baby killer." She told me that the night before as well. I don't know where she is getting that other than from her father. I did have a child in 1992 and she only lived for 31 hours but, I DID NOT KILL HER!!!!!!!!! I have gone through so much just trying to deal with my daughters death and then for her to tell me that I lost it. I told her that I was going to take her to her father and I started driving out of the parking lot. She got the gear shift and shift from drive to reverse so I hit her on the arm. She again told me that I killed my daughter so I popped her in the mouth. She just kept on and on. She was also hitting me and telling me "You are not the boss of me." The more that she smarted off the madder I got. The more she told me about my baby the more hurt I was. She kept hitting me and reaching for the gear shift and one thing lead to another and to make a long story short, she got hit everywhere my hand made contact. I know that I didn't handle the situation correctly but, I have just had enough. It started the night before and was only getting worse and I just couldn't deal with it any more. I do everything for that child. I love her with all my heart and I would lay my life down for her this very second if I needed to.

Her father who barely pays child support and don't even talk to the kids when they are with him is threatening to call CPS on me. My child don't have a mark on her. I would NEVER in a million years hurt my child or anyone else's but, enough was enough and talking to her wasn't working and counting wasn't working and I really didnt' know what to do.

I think that alot of the problem is the job that I have because one week out of the month I don't even see my kids except to wake them up to take them to school and when they get home I am at work. I am currently looking for another job.

My daughter told me yesterday that when she was with her dad this weekend he told her "I gave your mother two weeks to get something done and she didn't do it so this isn't over." He told me to go to counseling, get him the kids grade reports from school and their attendance records for him or he would call CPS on me and take my kids away from me. My daughter also told me that he told her "When we go to court, you need to tell them that your mother abuses you." I DO NOT abuse my kids. If anything they need more punishment not less.

Please someone help me. I don't know what to do. I love my kids and I don't want him to take them from me. The kids don't want to go live with him either.

Wow! you really have got a difficult life haven't you. Firstly you need to rebuild your relationship with your children. To do this you need to take them out places together, pictures , soccer match, bowling etc. Get into their world and be interested in them as people. Once your relationship has improved then they will be more willing to help you around the house. Try not to shout at them even if they shout at you. You must remain calm and lower your voice not raise it. This will gain their respect. Good luck.

Thanks for your suggestions! I will give it a try. I really try not to yell at them and I try to be part of their lives but, the way that I work right now has me feeling like I don't know them at all. I guess that I really don't because I have been to busy trying to make a living and do everything else that I have really lost touch with them and with myself. I am hoping that I will have another job soon and we can get on some sort of a routine. When I ask their father for help with them when I am on my 3 - 11 shift so that they are not home alone he tells me "I am not your babysitter." Once I even had to PAY him to take care of them while I worked. There have been times that I have just wanted to pack my things and leave! Just go away and never come back. On top of everything else I was in a relationship with this guy that would beat me up all the time. He never hit me in front of my kids though, thank God. I finally got rid of him so maybe that will help some and then when I find a straight day shift job so that I can be home with the kids at night and the weekends maybe we can get on a routine. I am hoping that will help with the stress level. Things weren't this bad a few years ago when my parents were alive. They helped me with the kids but, they BOTH died two years ago 6 weeks apart. What I would give to have my mom right now!!!!!

Do you have any thoughts on the ex trying to take my kids? Do you think that I should be worried about that?

I can't even begin to imagine how difficult that must be although I was a single mother for quite a few years so I know it can get tough.
One problem I had with my 10yr old girl is the fact she did nothing around the house - at all!! So what I've done now is put up a chores list for the week ie: wash up, feed animals, bring in/hang out/do the washing, take out rubbish etc. I've done it in little boxes so if she does a job, she gets to colour it in. She gets 30cents for each job so she only makes as much money as she is willing to put the effort towards. The deal is - if she wants to buy something, she has to pay for it. If there's something she needs, then of course I get it for her but if it's a want like clothes or a magazine, then it's her responsibility. If she hasn't got enough money then she has to wait until the next week.
It seems to work quite well, possibly because at 10 they become little fashion queens and need the money:)
It has gotten to a stage now where I don't even need to remind her. She just does the jobs, and even though it's paid, I still praise and thank her for doing it.
Hope that's of some help with the chore issue.

Thanks for you suggestions. I have tried the chore lists before but, instead of money they earned points. Depending on the chore you got so many points. After the earned so many points you got a reward ie; 40 points = they got to go skating, 60 points = they got to go to the dollar movie, 100 points they got to go to a full price movie etc. That worked for a little while but not for long. I haven't tried the money thing though and I sure haven't made them buy their own things. All my 15 yr old son talks about is getting a job and making his own money. I really don't think that he will do very well because he had a real problem with people telling him what to do. For the most part he is really laid back but, boy when he gets in a mood....oh boy! One night I took the kids to go eat at a nice restraunt and my daughter was talking and telling my son that he liked some girls sitting at another table, well he got mad and yelled at her right there in the restraunt. Everyone was looking at us. I wanted to crawl under the tile floor and die!!! I told him later that if he ever acted like that again in public that we were all going to leave or that I would leave and he would have to find his own ride home and that I would NEVER take him anywhere else again. There was no need what so ever in that. I really do try to do nice things for my kids and with them but, when they act like that it just makes me not want to do anything for or with them. I really want what little bit of time that we have together to be nice but, most of the time it isn't and that just breaks my heart. They are all that I have in this world that really and truely mean anything to me. I think that my daughters voice box would fall out if she didn't yell at me.

Do you think that their father will take them away from me? Do you think that I should even worry about it? I am really worried, I don't want to lose my kids but, I don't want to be treated the way that they treat me either. What do I do?

i read a fantastic book awhile ago, i think i have posted on it before. It is all about how to deal with your children in ways that don't lead to conflict and end up opening up communication between you and your kids. It outlines ways to talk to your kids openly and as equals rather than you being the 'bad guy' and yelling all the time. It also has really good strategies to deal with conflict and disgreement so that all of you can be satisfied. is called 'the heart of parenting' by John Gottman. I have found it indescribably useful and by the sounds of your situation i think it could really help you too.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0684801302/qid=1128572392/sr=2-2/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_2/102-8819850-4467339?v=glance&s=books

there is some more info on the book at this site. i would really encourage you to beg steal or borrow a copy ASAP!!! sorry to sound like i'm trying to sell the book but i truly believe it has done the world of good for me and my family.
good luck!!

Thank you for the reply. I will check out that book. I really do appriciate it.

I tell you one thing.....If I could just start over I would do so many things different with my kids. I just want them to grow up and be good honest people. I thank you again for the name of the book. Have a good day.

I truly sympathize with you, you are going down a rough road without any support, this can be tramatic and frightening.
I would doubt that the CPS could take your child for that one incident in the car.
It does seem as though they are showing resentment by acting out. Could be many resents due to not seeing you, the divorce, the dad telling them things that are inappropriate. Just remember you MUST always take the high road. Don't get down to their level no matter how much they push you.
They are both old enough you can sit them down and describe your feelings, use the I statements, and ask them how you can make them happier, make them help you to help them. Honesty is the best policy.
Then if that doesn't work, tell them if they don't start helping you out around the house, you'll stop helping them. That means no rides to friends houses, no money for movies, no fancy clothes, no extras. Bread and bologna, macroni and cheese for dinner. Its give and take both ways, they have to help you and you will be nice and help them. IT WORKS, and yes it's tough as a parent to say NO and be a meany sometimes, but it's how they learn. Good luck, perhaps you can get some free counseling somewhere too and work on bringing in the ex to get him to be more supportive for the kids!

Wow, you must really feel defeated at times both by your spouse and the children. Some parents find that if they take care of themselves first then they feel more empowered to take care of the children. Here are some ideas that I have seen work with some parents with similar issues.
When it comes to chores around the home engage the children by empowering them. Make a list of some jobs you would like completed in the next two days. Then set down with the kids and present the list of jobs and let them choose the job that they want to do and then you pick a job for yourself. Next have the kids each describe to you what their job would look like when it is done and the time frame the job will be done within the next two days. Let the kids have the dialoged and come up with the plan. This gives them control and they are less likely to fight you as they are setting there own boundaries. Now have them describe some possible consequences for not getting the job finished in the child’s stated time frame. After the plans are developed turn them loose and wish them luck. This process works best if you don’t say another word to them, no reminders, warnings lectures, expressed frustration or anger. Also model a positive work ethic by cheerfully doing your chosen job in front of the kids. Say stuff like “I like to start my projects early so I don’t have to worry about them all day.” Have a positive internal dialoged but voice it out loud such as “It feels good to me to work hard and finish a job.” This is good modeling for your child and helps them to develop a positive internal dialoged with themselves. As strange as it sounds hope that at least one of the children messes up. Remember no reminders, warnings lectures, expressed frustration or anger. At the end of the two days treat yourself and the children who did their jobs. If a child did not do their job be empathetic and sad not angry and preachy. Say something like; “This is so sad for you, I am happy to give treats to the ones who do tier work.” Also use the consequence that the child devised for themselves. If this is to work do not say another word about it. The child will try to engage you in a fight. This is when you take care of yourself. You take care of yourself by not joining the fight. Use a technique call going brain dead. Say to the child, “I know it bothers you and I love you to much to argue.” Say it a hundred times if you must but say nothing more and don’t let the child suck you into an argument. Another thing you could say to the child is; “I am happy to do nice things for you when I fell like you are treating me with respect and your chores are done.” And remember no reminders, warnings lectures, expressed frustration or anger.
My suggestion to you about the children’s rooms is; first, let them keep their rooms as they wish, this is the child’s piece of the world, close the door so you do not have to look at it (or smell it). Second don’t bring the children’s stuff in your room to store.Your room is your space they do not have a right to your space. Just stuff the kid’s cloths or what ever in the kid’s rooms and let them deal with it. Two things are accomplished by doing this. First and most important is you are taking care of yourself, second by letting the children have control over their rooms; you are sharing control with the kids and removing one more issue to fight over.
The issue with the hair dresser and Sonic was your child’s attempt to control you. Situations like this give you another chance to take care of yourself. When situations like this occur take care of yourself and the child’s needs by using enforceable statements such as, “I will be happy to take you to (fill in the blank) after I (fill in the blank).” If the child starts to argue, say “I know it bothers you and I love you to much to argue.” (go brain dead again). Remember no anger and frustration. Anger and frustration create resistance and a power struggle and I believe no adult can when a power struggle with a child in the long run.
The mean and cruel thing your daughter stated in the car about your deceased child was your daughters attempt to engage you in another power struggle. How did that turn out for you? Kids thrive of emotion, positive or negative. Here is another opportunity to take care of yourself. When children say mean things they are fishing for a battle or an emotional display this is how children control parents they controlling the parents emotions.. Don’t give it to them. As painful as the statement your daughter made was don’t feed her lust for a fight. You know the situation around the death of your child and I bet your 10 year old does as well. Say to her. “Is that what you want to believe? I am glad I know the truth.” Don’t say anything else and if she tries to argue, say; “I love you to much to argue.” A million time if you have to and remember no reminders, warnings lectures, expressed frustration or anger. Many times children are asking for you to set boundaries with them when they act out. The trick is to set those boundaries in a firm loving way without anger and frustration. Kids feed off emotions and they use them to control parents when the child fells they have no control. Let your child have some control by giving them simple choices that you can live with. Give the child a since of security by taking care of yourself and not being sucked into arguments and control battles with your children.
Take care of yourself, your children will be better for it. Good luck.

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Replying to:

Hello,

I am a single mother of 6 years. I have two kids my boy is 15 and my girl is 10. My problem is that, my kids have no respect for me what so ever. They tell me that they love me but, I think it only so that I will do something for them. They wont help around the house and I can't even get my son to help me mow the yard or anything. I am tired all the time because I work a swing shift job which poses another problem. I am never at home and when I am I am asleep so that I can get ready to go to work. I ask them all the time to help me around the house so that it isn't so messy all the time. They say that they will but they never do. At times it is so bad that your can't walk....literally. I have one week off a month and on this week I clean everything from top to bottom but, the day that I go back to work they destroy everything that I have done in one day. I am to the point that I say F**K it! Why should I do anything when you wont help me keep it. I have been trying to get my daughter to clean her room for five (5) months now!! I have had to move a dresser into my room for her and her clothes into my closet because I can't even get to hers.

The other day I was going to a function and I wanted to get my hair done. On the way to that my daughter started in on me that she was hungry. She had just eaten some donuts not 20 minutes earlier. Well I went to Sonic to get her something to eat and she flopped back in the seat of the car and told me that she couldn't see the menu. The way that I work we eat out most every meal so I know that she knew what was on the menu. Anyway, I asked her what she wanted to eat and she wouldn't answer me. I told her that she had two minutes to tell me what she wanted or I was leaving for my appoitment. She told me that I was an "ungreatful mother." I put the car in reverse and I left. When I got to where I was going I pulled into a parking space and we were still arguing about her not eating. I told her that we were going to go into the beauty shop and I didn't want her to make a scene. She then told me that "I killed my daughter" and that "I was a baby killer." She told me that the night before as well. I don't know where she is getting that other than from her father. I did have a child in 1992 and she only lived for 31 hours but, I DID NOT KILL HER!!!!!!!!! I have gone through so much just trying to deal with my daughters death and then for her to tell me that I lost it. I told her that I was going to take her to her father and I started driving out of the parking lot. She got the gear shift and shift from drive to reverse so I hit her on the arm. She again told me that I killed my daughter so I popped her in the mouth. She just kept on and on. She was also hitting me and telling me "You are not the boss of me." The more that she smarted off the madder I got. The more she told me about my baby the more hurt I was. She kept hitting me and reaching for the gear shift and one thing lead to another and to make a long story short, she got hit everywhere my hand made contact. I know that I didn't handle the situation correctly but, I have just had enough. It started the night before and was only getting worse and I just couldn't deal with it any more. I do everything for that child. I love her with all my heart and I would lay my life down for her this very second if I needed to.

Her father who barely pays child support and don't even talk to the kids when they are with him is threatening to call CPS on me. My child don't have a mark on her. I would NEVER in a million years hurt my child or anyone else's but, enough was enough and talking to her wasn't working and counting wasn't working and I really didnt' know what to do.

I think that alot of the problem is the job that I have because one week out of the month I don't even see my kids except to wake them up to take them to school and when they get home I am at work. I am currently looking for another job.

My daughter told me yesterday that when she was with her dad this weekend he told her "I gave your mother two weeks to get something done and she didn't do it so this isn't over." He told me to go to counseling, get him the kids grade reports from school and their attendance records for him or he would call CPS on me and take my kids away from me. My daughter also told me that he told her "When we go to court, you need to tell them that your mother abuses you." I DO NOT abuse my kids. If anything they need more punishment not less.

Please someone help me. I don't know what to do. I love my kids and I don't want him to take them from me. The kids don't want to go live with him either.

Joe, that is some excellent advice that I am going to try on my 15-year-old grandson. I have been raising he and his brother since they were toddlers and am having a lot more problems with them than I did raising my 3 children. I am searching various Websites and forums this morning for advice in coping with teenagers and the 'No respect' headline in this one caught my eye.
My current problem with the 15-year-old is getting him out of bed and off to school in the morning. He is naturally NOT a morning person and hates getting up. Starting high school this year, he is supposed to catch the bus at 6:50AM, but more often than not doesn't get out of bed in time and I have to drive him to school. He sets an alarm, but either sleeps through it or turns it off and goes back to sleep. I always go down to his room and wake him. The days he doesn't want to get up, I can sometimes coax him out of bed, but lately(twice last week and again today) he just won't get up. I have tried just ignoring him then and letting him face the consequences, but then have to decide if I want to call the school and excuse his absence or let him have an unexcused(which means any work for that day is a '0' and eventually could result in more serious legal consequences for truancy).
I am trying to decide if I should offer him the option of having the extra hour of sleep and not riding the school bus, if he will get up without a hassle every day, or just keep emphasizing the positive aspects of getting up and going to school on time, or what!
I would be intereseted in hearing your opinion...
Thanks
Sue

Children especially teenagers are attempting to emancipate, and have some control in their life. They often manifest this quest in defiant and disrespectful ways. When a child sees that they can control adult’s emotions by disrespectful and defiant behavior they have discovered a way to take control, even if this discovery is subconscious. Teenagers also learn that if they can turn their problems and responsibilities into the problems and responsibilities of the parents they again gain control. The child also learns not to own their problems or solve their problems because they also have learned that someone else will take care of them. Sad as it is this is a major component of diminishing a self concept and self destructive behavior in kids.
I believe in kids owning there own problems. With that in mind I think it is the child’s responsibility to get up in the morning. First I would talk to the child and apologize for medaling in his life and that you know he is old enough to manage his own time and schooling and that he can expect you to not lecture preach and remind him to do things that he is able to manage on his own. This could be vary empowering to him if the discussion is done in a loving nonconfrontational way. I suggest having such a conversation when there are no conflicts and you both are in a good mood. Second, I would ask the child in a nonthreatening way how he would solve the problem of sleeping through his alarm clock. He should own the problem not you. Let him come up with some ideas that he could try. In the spirit of the child owning the problem of getting up on time, no longer wake him. If the child knows that you are worried about him waking up and not getting to school on time he becomes dependent on you rescuing him. He figures if an adult is worried and will do something about it then why should I worry. Plus, since you empowered him with this responsibility he will feel you are not genuine and do not trust him. Whether you do or not let him think you do. Third, his education and responsibility for his education is his problem, you already went to school, it is his turn now. He knows that the bus leaves at 6: 50AM. Being on the bus is his responsibility and getting to school is his responsibility as well. The only way you should drive him to school is if he pays your fuel cost and for your time ( share that with him). Otherwise he needs to reap the consequence of being late or not getting to school at all. I need to say that a child will not learn from the natural consequences of their actions if the parent displays anger and frustration, further more the parent should not give reminders, lectures and preach ( “I told you so” etc.) is solely up to the child. If and when the child messes up, be empathetic and not angry and empower the child with a statement such as “what are you going to do now”. Be loving and kind with your voice this reduces the chance the child become confrontational. If the child is confrontational, state “I am sure you can solve your problem” and walk away without saying another word. I also suggest not calling the school and excusing the child because he really does not have an excuse. You should call the school and tell the school what happened but not to excuse the child. The child should then find ways to make up the work, suffer the “0”s, or experience the legal consequences. Tell the child you will love him no matter how long it takes him to get through high school. In the spirit of taking care of yourself let him decide how to manage his time.
Good luck and let me know how it works.

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Replying to:

Joe, that is some excellent advice that I am going to try on my 15-year-old grandson. I have been raising he and his brother since they were toddlers and am having a lot more problems with them than I did raising my 3 children. I am searching various Websites and forums this morning for advice in coping with teenagers and the 'No respect' headline in this one caught my eye.
My current problem with the 15-year-old is getting him out of bed and off to school in the morning. He is naturally NOT a morning person and hates getting up. Starting high school this year, he is supposed to catch the bus at 6:50AM, but more often than not doesn't get out of bed in time and I have to drive him to school. He sets an alarm, but either sleeps through it or turns it off and goes back to sleep. I always go down to his room and wake him. The days he doesn't want to get up, I can sometimes coax him out of bed, but lately(twice last week and again today) he just won't get up. I have tried just ignoring him then and letting him face the consequences, but then have to decide if I want to call the school and excuse his absence or let him have an unexcused(which means any work for that day is a '0' and eventually could result in more serious legal consequences for truancy).
I am trying to decide if I should offer him the option of having the extra hour of sleep and not riding the school bus, if he will get up without a hassle every day, or just keep emphasizing the positive aspects of getting up and going to school on time, or what!
I would be intereseted in hearing your opinion...
Thanks
Sue