I tried to stay very calm and told her I was disappointed that she felt she couldn't have waited longer before embarking on this path. We discussed the pill and I asked her to make an appointement at the docs. She led me to beleive that she was having safe sex and by that implied use of a condom. However I don't think I am now handling this knowledge as well as I had initially. Try as I might to keep quiet it keeps rearing its ugly head every time she goes out and comes back in. My husband does not know about this and would not react at all favourably but it is also difficult not to be able to talk to anyone else about it.

I hate to say it but it sounds like it is time to have a serious talk with her to MAKE SURE she is being safe, like using condoms for STDs and the pill for backup pregnancy protection. I know it is uncomfortable, but one of our worst nightmares as mothers is that our kids will get pregnant or get an STD.
It is really hard to get used to the idea that she is almost an adult (crazy as that may seem since you probably still do her laundry, cook her meals and take her shopping) and has started to make adult decisions.
It may be time to have a good talk with yourself about the fact that your job is to guide her in how to make RESPONSIBLE adult decisions. And maybe try to remember that you trust her and respect the woman that she has become. You may not agree with what she is doing, and as much as we hate it, that is part of this whole parenting thing we have gotten ourselves into
On the dad not knowing thing......I am not sure that he has a right to know unless she tells him. I know it is hard for men not to see their little girls in bows and dresses (my husband keeps saying that our daughter is going to have a locking chastity belt until she is thirty~poor kid). Your daughter is a woman that has a right to privacy. Since sex is a personal thing and you want her to trust you and be open and honest then you should probably respect that.
Remember that this is not about your parenting, you have raised a great girl that hopefully you trust.

Hang in there!!!!

You are a star, I really appreciate your response. thank you very much. I think you have really helped me to stand back a little. I will talk to her about protection and the pill. Even though she might not like it!

She probably won't like hearing about the pill and it will probably be embarrassing...for the both of you! But it's the only way to go!
I'm so glad you are stepping back! I'm 34 now, but I do remember when my mom tried to stop me from something, it only made me want to go back for more. Trying to stop them is the worst...helping them along with guidance is the only way to go!

Take care!

Thanks Roberta, its good to know there are others concerned enough to respond

It is uncomfortable sometimes having to talk to our "children" about sex however you MUST do it. Our 15 year old had friends that were doing it and we decided it was best to get our daughter on the PILL BEFORE she had intercourse. Then when she was in a committed relationship at 16 we knew that she was protected, and we insisted that she make the boy use a condom. Whether they obeyed is anyones guess. However, we also talked to the boy and our daughter about the fact that a pregnancy at this age would NOT be acceptable, and if they were responsible enough to engage in this behavior they better make sure they prevented any pregnancy. It's been a year and half and we keep our fingers crossed monthly! I couldn't believe that we had such frank talk with our child and her boyfriend, but really they were not embarressed and seemed okay with the talk! Good luck and above all, keep a diligent watch that she is getting her pills filled monthly, and of course that you reiterate the message that a pregnancy in your family at such a young age would never be accepted, and watch that the monthly supplies for the period are needed each month! Best wishes to you as a mother, and really you should involve your husband, there should be no secrets between spouses.

I will have to respectfully disagree with the person that wrote "there should be no secrets between spouses". A wife not telling her husband about their daughter having sex (if the mother found out in a confidential conversation with her daughter) is not about keeping secrets. It is about keeping a relationship built around trust intact with her daughter. I speak from experience as this happened with my mother telling my father about a conversation that we had about my sexual activity. At the time my dad and I did not have a relationship that included conversations about sex (I was his little girl and knew that he would not take the news well) and when my mother told him I felt so much betrayal that it took a long time for me to tell her anything that was personal again. The reality is that our kids have different relationship with each one of us and treating them with respect as to what they feel comfortable telling us is the only way that we can harbor a open and honest relationship with them. I would highly recommend that you encourage her to tell her father herself, offer to be with her when she does it and even ask her if she minds if you tell him but I would take her lead as to whether or not she wants him to know.

I agree with you Jay, I know for sure my daughter does not want her father to know about her behaviour, as she knows he would 'hit the roof' and not be able to cope with this knowledge. I want to keep pathways open for her to be able to talk to me whenever she wants too and I know also I can approach her too. I guess I'll just have to accept she's growing up and encourage her to be 'safe'. Thanks for all your support it has really helped me.

I think that one thing that you need to be thankful for is knowing that she has enough faith in you to trust you with that information. You also don't need to do anything to destroy that trust. If she comes to you with that she will come to you with anything.
Also, just because she had sex with a "long term" boy friend doesn't mean that she will have sex with this guy. I personally think that 20 is to old for a 16 year old. He is only in it for one thing! You might just try talking to her since she trusts you so much and tell her how you feel. It appears that she really respects you and what you think or she wouldn't have come to you in the first place. You may also want to put her on birth control if you haven't already. I don't really think that you have to much to worry about. If she was with the "long term" boyfriend then chances are she loved him and there was something there. That doesn't make her easy, that makes her human. If you freak out over it you can forget her ever coming to you with anything ever again. I would keep an eye on that 20 year old though. Don't be to pushy about her getting away from him though because that will just make her get closer to him. Good luck to you.