I have a 15 year old son and an 8 year old son. My husband and I are separated 8 mos. now. We get along pretty well and do family things together. My problem is that my husband has never been a disciplinarian. He left it to me, not at my choice. He has told my son in the past to let what I say go in one ear and out the other. He has told my boys once that I have a f---ing head problem when we were in an argument in front of them. He has allowed my son to disrespect me on more than one occasion, thinking that my desire to have him do chores was being too hard on him. Now we have been separated for 8 mos. and the son is out of control as far as behavior to me and husband has been giving him everything he wants until now, and now wants to repair our marriage and wants to know what we should do about our problem with our son. We have never put up the balanced front that everyone talks about. The hubby has been the gum ball man for years and now wonders what we should do with this monster we are raising. He can't even drive yet and has a decked out pickup waiting for him in the garage. Is on his 3rd 4 wheeler in four years. Has the best cell phone, phone and computer in his room with high speed internet. All of this at the support of his dad. I approved of the pickup because it was a good deal, but dad already has it decked out with all the nicest bells and whistles. How can I even consider reconciliation with a man who has allowed my role to be diminished in my home (part of the reason we had marital problems along with his alcoholism) He is now sober for 4 mos. That seems like the easy part compared to my anger at him over how he has befriended our child instead of parenting him and asking that he show his mom respect. Now my hubby asks for son to behave and not talk to me disrespectfully but he does it anyway. What should we do at this point. What should I do. Any advice would be so appreciated. I'm at my wits end..... I'm sorry this is so long.

Hi Tami,

What would it take for you to give up your position if you thought it might help your children? The psychology is easy. Everything you did not get through as a child comes up in your relationship. Everything you do not want to see or think about, gets acted out and mirrored back by your partner. Result? Lots of pain and lots of conflict, or deadness. Unresolved fights turn into deadness. Plus your children will not only act out how you guys are feeling towards yourselves and each other, they will also feel the impact of every fight or bad feeling you have towards each other as parents. Not pretty!! The eldest child is typically the ambassador of the family and seeks to live up to the value systems of both parents. You may not know it, or understand this, but your fifteen year old is being torn apart inside by the conflict between you and your partner. You need to change your attitude - this will bring up your bad/inadequate/sad/heartbroken feelings..a good thing! There is also a big authority conflict going on between you and your partner. Heal this and your child will behave better. It works if you work, and nurturing and attitude of appreciation, or even gratitude will change everything. Parenting is tough and no child is a monster - what we do to them unwittingly - can turn out wrong but there are, in the final analysis, no bad children. If you want to know more and get more info email me at david@childproblem.co.uk Brave of you to write so honestly, that works too! It can be saved but you need to be aware that everything we think of others we think of ourselves somewhere inside.
David