I am married to a wonderful man who has a unmarried son who is 34 years old. He lives in his own house that his father helped him buy. Both the father's name is on the deed with the son. This is because the son is not responsible how to manage his money. Our problem is the son and father are so enmeshed they control each other. This is becoming more than I can take and I feel I am married to two men at times and second in line with my husband. Every thing revolves around the son wheather we go on vacations or even eating out. My husband and I do take some vacations alone and our time is great together then. We just returned from a vacation with three other couples who are over 50 and we are in our middle sixties. Why would a man of 34 want to be around? We went where he wanted to go unless I went by myself with the other couples. The father feels guilty if he does not include his son in everything. When the son does do something that the entire group is doing, he gets up late and makes everyone wait because his father won't go without him usually. His father says he doesn't care if I go without him because he too wants to sleep late. He is a late sleeper like his son. I feel hurt and angry with my husband. This ends up with us both being miserable and we drift farther apart. Am I selfish and jealous like it seems to them? This son even reserves where we will stay.
Let me say this that when we got married my husband had only been widowed 7 months. I was widowes for over two years. I regret believing he was ready just because he felt he had worked through his grief before his wife died of a brain tumor. He and his only daughter both believed just because they knew she was not going to live long they had all ready worked through their grief. Looking back I know they really believed they had.
I need a book on how to deal with a blended family of all married children and one that totallly depends on his father. His father pays most of his bills and helps with the ones he can't pay by paying a partial payment with what he can pay. This is not my concern other than I do not want our world to revolve around making Daddy happy by over looking the enabling that my husband has created. He admits he has done this and has before he met me. He holds it against me if I don't understand why. This same son was addicted to prescription drugs and has been going every week to get off of these prescription drugs. His dad doesn't understand why the councelor still gives him different drugs to wean him off of the prescription drugs. I know I am rambling and probably this doesn't make a lot of sense but we do need help and I hoped possibly you would have some written material that might cover situation we are dealing with. I love my husband and I love his son but I need help on how to be their for both of them in a healthy way and positive. I should probably just bow out but I hate to give up on our marriage. What are the bounderies and what is my role? How do I deal with being second with my husband and not feel mistreated and hurt.

Thank you and I hope to hear from you soon.


Beverly Keister
kstr@scican.net

I am sorry to hear of your situation. I personally find your stepson a bit weird and think he needs to get his own life and friends. Sorry I really have no real advice to offer.