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end of tether

I can't cope with my 8 yr old girl. I have a lovely 6 yr old girl and a lovely 4 yr old boy and I am worried that my eldest's behaviour, and consequently mine (or is it the other way round?) is going to start rubbing off on them. My 8 yr old is exceptionally clever and creative, top of the class at private school, and both physically and emotionally very advanced for her age. But she does NOTHING that I ask, everything is a battle and she is frequently defiant, rude and occasionally mildly physically aggressive. The only thing that gets her motivated to be polite is food (am I on course for creating a food disorder?) Consequently I find myself shouting at her every day and saying things I regret as she drives me nuts with her bad attitude and desire to do whatever she **** well wants. Clearly we are in a vicious circle, with my negativity rolling onto hers, but I don't know any more what to do to break it. She is frequently mean to her siblings and finds it amusing, (let's be clear, not in any serious sadistic way but just a continual mission to annoy and dominate them) which I find depressing. She is as good as gold at school and when at friends houses, i.e. when I or my husband are not around. Any advice or "been there and come through" greatly appreciated.