Hi,

I'm going to try and keep this brief because I'm worn out and in tears as I write.

I've had a constant battle with my 12 year old daughter for the last 3 or 4 years and I'm now getting really worried for her.

Brief history:

Her dad and I split up when she was about 4. She has a sister 2 years younger. I have been with new partner for 5 years and she adores him. We have had a few moves in the last few years - meaning she has changed schools twice. The last move we had was to Spain, so another country as well. I am on my own over here with the kids while partner works in UK.

In the last few years my oldest daughter has displayed signs of insecurity and jealousy of her younger sister. Her younger sister is very good at everything and I know this makes her very jealous. I have tried to reassure her that she is very good at things as well but she doesn't believe me. Unfortunately during rows I have said some horrible things to her and now she always brings those things up so obviously they have sunk into her head which I hate myself for. She has acted very selfishly over the last few years and caused problems with my step children, she has also had problems at school of disrespecting her teachers whereas usually she was the perfect pupil.

She thinks she is ugly (she is beautiful) and stupid. Or this is what she says when she gets angry.

I can't put this into words that make sense, i am so confused and depressed by it all. we row morning and evening. I dread her coming home. My youngest daughter is always comforting me when I end up in tears.

what is really worrying me at the moment, apart from us just not getting on at all is this:

she has put her hands round her sisters neck during an argument, and in the pool she has threatened to push her under the water. she has also said she wishes her sister was dead. the other week she was in a bad mood and she went and got a knife out of the kitchen drawer and I had to go over to her and take it off her.

tonight after a row she told me that she had put her hands round the dogs neck and squeezed it.

I am scared to death that she is turning into some kind of monster, or that she will seriously hurt her sister or herself. I can't believe this is normal adolescent behaviour. I dont know how to deal with it, it scares me and upsets me.

The other thing which is a big deal is she has something she calls "the thing" inside her head telling her to do things. Like, she has to turn the bathroom light on and off 3 times in a row or she will die......or she has to say goodnight to me twice or I will die.......things like that. And washing her hands - she washes her hands then washes them again, over and over. I've tried making light of this and ignoring it but it gets trying and I know it bothers her.

It's harder to deal with because we are similar - both sensitive, both very fiery so we clash and have very explosive rows. She throws things at me, she has so much anger inside her (I think stemming from the insecurity and now my inability to handle it).....I don't know what to do to help her. We're stuck in this awful loop of rows and then I threaten to send her back to the UK to her Dad, and she goes to bed hurt and upset and I sit here hurt and upset.

And now I'm in Spain I have even less of a clue of how to deal with it. In England she saw a social worker, but that was useless because she was all sweetness and light for them and they couldnt see past it, and I couldnt explain it properly when it wasn't actually happening. I don't know what to do, I feel so alone and so scared for her.

Hi Sarah,
Does your eldest daughter have any contact with her dad and is your youngest daughter your ex husband?

I kind of know what your going through, I have 3 children from a previous marriage and my 8 yr old daughter is very similar. My ex husband walked out when she was 3yrs old and I have a new husband now. My daughter is so nasty to me and we argue all the time, yet she adores mynew husband who she calls dad! My ex wants contact,but my daughter doesn't, yet she is still so angry towards me!!
I have been told its her way of dealing with her emotions and she knows that I wont walk out, so treats me terribly.
I wouldcertainly say try and get help please, as she may need to see a councillor to talk through her feelings.

'The other thing which is a big deal is she has something she calls "the thing" inside her head telling her to do things. Like, she has to turn the bathroom light on and off 3 times in a row or she will die......or she has to say goodnight to me twice or I will die.......things like that. And washing her hands - she washes her hands then washes them again, over and over. I've tried making light of this and ignoring it but it gets trying and I know it bothers her. '

This sounds like OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and you should see a doctor for help. Its a serious condition and needs proper treatment.

The 'thing' could be voices, which is a sign of a personality disorder and ties in well with OCD and her overall negativity and behaviour. Before you panic, personality disorders CAN be treated very well with CBT (cognitive behavorial therapy), which is based on changing the way someone thinks about things, from negative to positive, so they can find the positive even in negative situations. (In other words she'll see she is beautiful and accept she doesn't need to be like her sister to think of herself as succesful). It takes time though, so don't expect a miracle recovery.

I think you know that the loop you've got into isn't helping, but its an easy one to fall into. Don't be afraid to ask for some support for yourself too, your coping with an awful lot on your own.

Cant imagine what the social worker was playing at if she couldn't recognise OCD? Think you've been a bit unlucky in support so far, hopefully they'll do better for you both in Spain.