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12 yr old is very disrespectful, and just doesnt listen

My quandry is that my 12 yr old is a very mellow 'good' boy, but is extremely defiant when it comes to adhering house rules like cleanliness and ordeliness. An otherwise 'mama's boy, behaves like he just doesnt hear me. Anything I say is repeated several times over and finally the father steps in and says...why cant you respond to ure mother. His rude behaviour is tearing me. I feel unloved and feeling like leaving them and going away... how do i help mould his 'pre teen' behaviour. My husband says I am hanlding him all wrong. But how can we cohabit in such a MESS??