Why do you look to a child for the reason? You husband is the adult and must learn better ways to communicate and to understand his daughter's frustrations with him.
Read some books on communicating with children like Gordon's book, and even better, Aldort's book.
I wasn't suggesting it was my child at fault - just wondered whether other parents had any good ideas for dealing with pre-teen moods & the "whatever", "talk to the hand" attitude. My concern is the divide between them may widen as she gets fully into adolescence.
I absolutely agree with Terry that your husband needs to change the way he responds to her.
I would stop refereeing there spats and discuss it with them when there calm...indiviually is probably best or there likely to start again. Don't take sides, your on the side of your family only. Try and get them both but in particular your hubby to work out for themselves how it escalates and the damage it does/may do long term and what they can do to prevent it reaching that point another time. Then step back while they practise putting it into action. If you don't make any progress in the next few months you might need to think about getting family councilling to help. (And earplugs.)
Talking about family counseling, there is phone and skype counseling on ParentingTips.com. It is international. go to the counseling page.
Also, as for your daughter moods, there is a great connection between moods and foods. Soft drinks and junk food cause depression and other health problems. Keep her on good whole foods diet. Read "Food and Behavior" and see the film All Jacked Up to learn about the direct harm of processed foods.
Stay in open communication. Listen to her. There are lots of communication examples that can help you in Aldort's book. Including with teens and preteens.
Thanks Terry for this. She does eat a fairly balanced diet, we don't have junk or fast foods & she doesn't like them. My daughter & I went to counselling to help us both when my mother died two years ago & with some friendship issues she had at school. This was very succesful & they had suggested my husband came along as any ongoing problems seemed to come back to the relationship between father & daughter, unfortunately he doesn't believe in counselling so we hit a brick wall. She communicates extremely well with me & we have mostly a very positive relationship - I will just have to work on ways of getting my husband to improve the way he communicates with her.
I agree with you both that he does need to look at the way he communicates with her. I'm very careful not to take sides & but it's difficult at times. I've ordered a book & suggested he reads this as he will not have counselling although I have suggested this on many occasions.
If hubby won't go to counselling then go on your own. You can learn to get different responses from other people by picking up new ones yourself, (an obvious example is how we respond to a toddler having a tantrum)...and if nothing else it gives you space to talk about how it affects you.
