Hi Jane and Lee,
I remember being shocked at my own children's sometimes selfishness. It was shocking, and embarassing.I am lucky that I have a friend who is a consultant child psychiatrist,who has a daughter the same age as my eldest. I can remember talking to her about ths matter. She said children do not really develop the ability to empathise until they are in their teens or older. Some adults do not truly empathise. She said that to expect children to be selfless because they understand what it must feel like from the other person's viewpoint is frankly, unrealistic.
What we can do is to help them learn to share but young children are selfish. At first, a baby must get it's needs met. As parents, we usually meet our eldest child'needs pretty quickly, as we can put our needs second. All we can do, as they get older, is praise kind behaviour, model generosity and sharing, talk about sharing etc and why it's nice and good.
I noticed that my eldest didn't develop things like the concept of ownership and choosing to share as young as y youunger 2 children did. All the toys were hers.... she didn't have to fight anyone for them. Even though I had a baby when she was 2, I still met my eldest's needs first usually (if she needed the toilet.... it didn't matter what my baby was doing.... I had to meet the eldest's needs, or there would be a mess to clear up.) As my youngest child had to make her presence felt very quickly, one of her first words was MINE... so she learnt abot ownership... then sharing very quickly. My youngest 2 children always had to share me with their siblings, they know no difference.
It sounds like your daughter just got too excited on the day of her birthday (it is really common!!!!!! birthday parties are often just that little bit too much... they want to be the centre of attention and can't cope with it all). It sounds like you did all the right things.... She is also learning to share you. At 3, her little sister may well be entering your daughter's own space. My 2 girls are 9 and 13 now... and they fall out with each other more than with their brother in the middle, as they are both seeking to be the girl in the family... they are in each other's space. All goes well when the youngest is prepared to be 'girlified' by her big sister (so she loves it if big sis puts make-up on her, straightens her hair, watches 'girl' movies with her), but if her big sis doesn't want her around (which is fair enough sometimes) or decides that she'll make tea, and little sis doesn't want it, it's awful. That's ok... it's life.
Yes, encourage her to see the value of non-material things, say 'no' to some things.... but don't beat yourself up about it. It's all quite normal behaviour. My 9 year old had a big sleep over with 4 friends staying last week... it all got too much for her. She had high hopes and some of he girls were being difficult.... she stormed off to her bedroom. She wouldn't have done that in someone elses house.I just told her to go and get back down there or I'd have to send the girls home. She said to me afterwards 'I'm not going to have X when I have more than one person, as she made everyone else change and I didn't like it'. That's OK.... she learnt something about her friends.....
Good luck... don't worry. You won't worry so much with your second child!!! My first had a major tantrum at 9 (after 7 tantrum free years)... I heart searched 'What have we done wrong etc?'. My 9 year old had a tantrum on Sat night.... I realised she was tired (she'd just done 4 hours gym) and she was just cross. I left her to it... it stopped... she got over it... I didn't soul search... It didn't mean anything.
Your daughter will be fine....
