'It's like a never ending cycle thats getting worse and worse instead of better and better as it has been for the last year. '

I can very much relate to this because I have to send my son off to his fathers once a fortnight and he really doesn't know how to a) handle him or b) work with me rather than against me.

Which is what the boys mother is doing because its almost like they have two seperate identities, one for you and one for her.


'We've tried counselling, but felt as though we took advantage of a space that a more unfortunate child could have had, and the counsellor spent a half hour with him then decided that their was no concern here'

If you feel counselling would help then don't worry about the size of the problem, your as entitled to help just as much as anyone and a family falling apart isn't a small thing. If your paying for the councelling yourself its really your choice whether you continue or not not the councellors...and I think it would benefit you a lot to have someone uninvolved to talk things through with. Have a think about trying it again based on your feelings about the situation rather than the problems with the boys behavior. It sounds like you carry a lot of guilt about it all and I think half the solution is relieving yourself of that.

The only way you'll find out what the boys really want is for them to speak to someone independant, you know already that elements of what they say to you or mum will be biased due to loyalties to each of you. By the way you say 'mom' not 'mum' I'm assuming your not in the uk so I really wouldn't know who to advise you to talk to about that.

If dad wants to go for custody get some good legal advice and take it from there, a reduction in contact sounds like a very good idea and the courts do understand these days that dads do the job just as well, sometimes better, than mums. If the school are seeing the same change in behaviour speak to them too as there support will count for a lot.

I can give you 3 tips to survive this that I use myself and help:

1) Don't feel guilty. You do your very best as there stepmum and you can't do more than that. You spend time with them, talk to them, love them...don't waste your time feeling guilty about other peoples actions, it only hurts you and your family and won't have any effect on her.

2) Don't hope to change the mother, only she can do that and you will just get more and more frustrated. Block it out and concentrate on what you can solve. Look for a solution to the situation rather than a solution to her failings. (Although first I'd try telling her straight to pull her finger out, you never know, she may listen)

3)Don't change the way you treat the boys, don't cut down on love and attention because you think it fuels bad feelings about there mothers standards of care, they need consistent behaviour from you. A change will only confuse them, if you change you won't be the reliable person in there life anymore.

I get the feeling you are being tested by the boys atm and once they've completed there test they'll settle back down, I can see why there behaviour was worse with the previous arrangements and it could be that after a year of the new ones they are wondering if its going to change again so pushing every button to test it all out.

And can I give you one more tip? 3 boys that close in age has got to be hard work, next time there off to there mums, find your son a sitter and get out and enjoy some time with your husband, forget all the worries and have a bit of space to put yourself first for a few hours, we sometimes forget how important it is to take care of us too.