Hi

A similar case to yours with my girl! She's 11 and I love her to bits, but sometimes I am tearing my hair out dealing with her screaming at me!

Take last night. She was playing on the computer upstairs and started shouting for me to come up. I thought I won't respond to getting shouted at, I shall wait for her to come down and speak to me in a normal voice. But she carried on shouting, getting louder and louder until she was screaming and bashing about up the stairs. Then she came thundering into the lounge and screamed at me ... didn't you hear me shouting for you. So I said to her there was no need to shout at me, because she was right next to me and that I didn't respond to getting screamed at. She stormed off upstairs and crashed about a bit more!

After she had calmed down and we were friends again.

Then after bedtime, I was in the computer room checking my e.mails and lo and behold there was a large dent in one of the walls! I asked my daughter if she had done it and she sheepishly nodded. I have banned her off the computer for a month and taken her Nintendo DS off of her as well, which will hopefully give her the message that that kind of behaviour will not be tolerated. She wrote me a very apologetic note and said that she realised that she wouldn't get her DS back and by the time she did, her dogs would all have starved and run away! She tells me she is going to try very hard not to lose her temper.

We are having a family meeting tonight to talk about things. All credit to my son, he kept well out of the way and ignored all the goings on!

So we shall see. It must partly be due to hormones, though, I think!

--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---

Replying to:

My nine-year-old son has an anger problem and it seems to be getting worse. He hates being told to do anything by his parents or teachers. At home he answers back, shouts and swears, at school he raises his eyes skywards in a defiant way and makes sarcastic comments when he is told off. For example, if asked to get of the computer, he won't. If we persist, even turning it off at the mains as last resort, he storms off slamming doors and shouting with outrage. On another occasion just before Christmas he lost it in a shop when we wouldn't buy him a book he wanted (I had already bought it as a Chritmas present) - we had to cut our shopping trip short and go home. Last night he wouldn't get into his pyjamas when told and then stood there shaking with rage and screaming, red in the face and eyes bulging. This am he has nearly lost his voice, but is acting like nothing happened. Two school teachers have told me it is like speaking to an adult and he doesn't seem fazed by any form of discipline. He is not over-naughty, he just gets told off at school for talking or messing about - no show of anger there. He is not at all violent and has never hit a child (well, his sister quite a few times). He seems popular at school and with friends at home as well. He is quite bright and finds things for his own age boring. He asks so many deep questions - about the war in Iraq, how America was discovered, Roswell (!), science, nature, aliens, space, dragons ... you name it. He can't accept we don't have all the answers. He can be the sweetest, most loving child, but I am starting to realise it can be to get what he wants. All our friends think he is an absolute angel, but he is starting to make our lives at home hell and we feel we are treading on glass most of the time. We try to reason with him, all the text book advice, but he just shouts us down and won't listen. Has anyone experienced a similar problem? If so I would be pleased of some advice.

Yes, my 11 year old daughter has the same anger issues. she likes to push the envelope and not do as she is told until i have lost my temper and yell at her. she is reprimanded a lot at school for her sassy mouth and has taken to telling adults to shut-up. she has also admitted to me that sometimes she gets so angry that she wants to scream. i've been told it's natural hormones and growing up. i think the world has changed so much that kids are now growing up and being forced to deal with adult issues at such a younger age that sometimes they think they are mature and shouldn't be told what to do and the only thing they know to do is act out or be defiant. maybe you could talk to the guidance counselor at school or family counseling.

Hi Ruth
I think you are spot on about children having to deal with so many issues at such a young age and I believe this has had an effect on my son. The onset of war in Iraq and the tsunami were two topics which were discussed at school and which I know worried him. As a result of one session, when he had to write about what he did in his holidays, he wrote about our holiday in Iraq and illustrated it with tanks and planes. The teachers asked me why we went! He seems to pick up on things which go over other children's heads - the ads on tv for charities disturb and upset him, especailly the child and animal cruelty appeals and the appeals for help in third world countries. We have now just found out his class are going to have sex education a year earlier that previously 'because children are developing earlier these days'. The headteacher said perhaps we should speak to the GP, which we did, but she didn't recommend counselling because she thought it would make it worse, and might lead to more attention-seeking. She also thought it might be bereavement trauma - he lost his grandmother April 2004 and was devastated, but he seems over that now. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me and good luck.

Hi Linda
It's good to know I'm not the only one. After a particulary bad beginning to the week at school, I have banned PS2, Gameboy and computer (Runescape). I also told him that I will be speaking to his teacher every Friday for the next month to see how he has behaved, and also take into account his behaviour at home, if he has had a generally good week I will let him have his privileges back for the weekend only. He took it really badly but has now accepted, and his teacher was pleased this week. He did write a letter of apology to his teacher, but I found it and it said that we were not going to feed him if he didn't behave at school! Cue the social workers! I know what you mean about the damage - my walls are OK (so far), but the bathroom door has been slammed so many times it won't shut properly and cracks are appearling around the frame on his bedroom door! Perhaps we are just having the terrible teens early?!

I think so! I must admit, she's been a whole lot better so far this week, so I think something must have stuck. We were talking about her dogs on the Nintendo game and I asked her if she thought I had given her a fair punishment. She said yes, she did think that and realises that shouting is not going to get her anywhere.

On discussion with colleagues at work, it seems that girls would appear to be more trying than boys on the whole (especially with their mothers!)

Bless ...